chapter 2
I ducked as soon as I heard the crash. I squinted, listening carefully to the explosion, trying to tell where it came from. The floor shook under my feet, as if there was an earthquake, but it felt wrong for an earthquake. I listened even harder, it didn't sound like an earthquake either; I could hear voices shouting from outside. I finally noticed the sound of a rod being shot, probably the reason for the shaking building, though if they were magical beings they could be using spells.
The floor shook harder, rocking my entire frame along with it.
It was definitely directed at me. No doubt about that.
One of my walls crashed, pieces of cement falling down, covering me with dust. I racked my soldier brain to find a solution. I was surrounded with a number of unknown enemies with unknown powers. It just refused to come up with one.
But my brain shot me one clear message: get out.
Keeping my head down, I ran toward the door, half yanking it out of the way with one hand, holding close the rod and gun in the other. I was going to need them soon.
On the other side of the door stood a girl. I shot her one look. She looked terrified. I swore, and then shoved the rod into my belt. I had to get her out. Now. Before things got out of hand. I scooped her into my hands, not bothering to be gentle. The floor shook again, rougher this time. I shielded her with my body as well as I could, and started running again. I was doing this to protect people, after all, wasn't I? She went willingly, or maybe she was just too scared to protest.
I raced down the stairs. I couldn't believe this building actually had stairs. Most buildings used transporters, the older ones used elevators with metal frames. I let myself feel a little relieved. If this building was old enough to have stairs then it was old enough to have a fire escape. We were saved.
The girl whimpered in my arms. I didn't spare her a look, no time to be distracted.
Poor girl, though. I managed to think under the roar of the concrete being torn apart by spells or rods or whatever they were shooting me with. Wrong time, wrong place, and definitely wrong person.
The stairs never seemed to end, I was on the 80th floor, very close to the ground. Normally people staid at the apartments that were 400 stories high and going. I was lucky this was a dump. Only 200 stories high. Very, very short. So the way down was going to be easy.
I started racking my brain again, what will I do when I get out? I had a human on my hands here, no special weapons, just a lightning rod and an old fashioned gun stashed away in my tool belt. Other than that, I had to save my own life. I had no way to contact Lindsey, she was on her date, probably not wearing a communication ring. I grinded my teeth, looking for some other idea.
I didn't slow my running- I was half flinging myself down the stairs, two hands locked defensively around the girl in my chest.
The door was nearly there. I made up my mind quickly. I had a simple plan. There was no strategic move I could play without getting severally hurt. I didn't want that. I held the girl tighter. Running like crazy would be my best technique under this certain situation.
Sweat started dripping from my forehead and down my neck, my breath coming out a little ragged. My body was starting to give in. I put more strength into my run; I was almost at the doors by then.
I crashed into them, shattering the glass. Nobody used glass anymore. It was too fragile. But this building did, and as I ran, everything turning blurry, all the faces and weapons, I thanked god for that.
So did my enemies.
I heard a thousand electricity bows snap, all the targets aimed at me.
I did the only thing I could do. I rolled down on the ground, falling almost, rolling over as fast as I could push myself.
The air was stained with chemicals, what were these guys up to?
The girl in my arms shook. It wasn't voluntary, just spasms of fear, making her jump and twitch a little in my arms. Rolling wouldn't have been so difficult if there wasn't a girl in my arms, but I couldn't look at her yet, make sure she was okay.
I strained my neck to see where my enemies were, but before I could have a good view I started falling. I locked my arms around the girl's body. I didn't know where I was falling, or what would happen next. I didn't especially care if I died, but the girl in my arms… she was important. I just didn't know how much.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It's spelled "mystery."
Comma splice.
"Voices" themselves can't "shout." I suggest "I could hear shouts/shouting from outside."
There's a note of redundancy in this, as in, "magical beings using spells."
Soldier can't be used as an adjective. I suggest saying "soldier's brain."
Should be "holding the rod close."
The first part was meant to be suspenseful and fast-paced, so you could do away with needless details and stick to the action. Like in the midst of danger, there are better things to do than worldbuild about this building having stairs and not elevators like most.
Comma splice. Perhaps a semi-colon, though I'm not sure on their usage.
Period after "though" should be a comma.
Should be "stayed."
While your vocabulary is simple and to the point, sometimes you repeat words, like in this case, "racking."
Comma splice, after "Lindsey." I suggest a semi-colon, though, again, I'm not sure.
Passive voice, and rather awkward. I suggest something like "I was nearly at the door."
Should be "severely."
Is that the actual name of those weapons? Because if not, electricity is a noun and can't be used an adjective.
Is he assuming that, or did he actually see that (it's not mentioned)?
"Rolled" and "rolling" are rather close to each other. I suggest replacing one of them; the first one, it's sort of awkward, "rolling down." Why not just "dropped to the ground" or something?
Comma splice. Also, the use of "stained" to describe the chemicals is questionable, as stained implies it being able to be seen.
How does he know? This is one example of why I think the first-person narrative doesn't fit for this. It's not very personal, for one, and I felt third-person would've benefited it better. A quote from a website article on first person vs third person: "For the most part, I recommend writing in third person when you're starting out. Why? Because I've noticed that the "I" form to a new writer is like the temptation of the suicide ending--it's not usually done well when you're first starting to write. In first person, it's easy to be stilted and boring in your delivery. It's easy to use too many "I did X" sentence structures. It's easy to forget how to include description and emotion; easy to spend far too much time thinking, and not enough time in the here-and-now of the story. "
Replace the comma with "to."
The character seemed sort of flat. The first person narrative didn't really flesh out his personality, as it's supposed to. While you maintained action, that was all, sometimes: straightforward bombardment of "he did this" and "he did that." That's why I thought this would've been better in third-person; if you're not going to use the narrator's personality, thought processes, and perception to paint the setting and what's going on to the reader, then using third-person, you as the writer could interject and explain things.
The plot was interesting, and even though I've only read this chapter, it wasn't hard to understand.
Hey, I'm back!
Sorry this took so long.
Grammatical mistakes/ nitpicks
You use the word 'earthquake' three times in here. That's way too many times in too close proximity to each other. Try change two to other words or rearrange the sentence. Maybe you could change it to something like: 'The floor shook under my feet, I dismissed the idea of it being an earthquake, it felt wrong for that. I listened even harder, the sound didn't match an ordinary tremor either.' Then writing 'I could hear voices shouting from outside in another sentence because it didn't really have anything to do with how the earthquake sounds.
One of 'your' walls? Replace that with 'the'.
You used 'look' and then 'looked' very close to each other here. Try replace one of them, maybe the second with 'seemed'.
80th = eightieth
400 = four hundred
200 = two hundred
Never write numbers, always words.
I don't really like the sentence: 'I didn't slow my running'. I think it would be best changed to 'I didn't slow my pace' or something like that.
This sounds as if the door had legs and was running towards you.
His enemies thanked God because he couldn't see clearly? Or did I understand this wrong?
Remove the comma after 'yet' and add a 'to'.
Descriptions
I think your descriptions were better in the first chapter and prologue, for some reason here they seemed to lack something. I also noticed you use alot of telling in here. You have to show me what's going on through feelings, dialogue, etc. I have to feel what your character is feeling, see what they are seeing. This gets me into the story and I want to read more more more!
An example of telling:
John was angry.
An example of showing:
John stomped into the room, his face red.
"That jerk!" he shouted, banging his closed fist on his desk.
See the difference? Try use more of the second example.
Characters
I think we have to see more of your MC's personality. He doesn't seem very real to me. We know he's a quick thinker, and has a soldier's mind, but we don't actually know him. Show his character a bit more in the story and that will make it alot better.
Plot
I like how this is developing and especially want to know more about why he's a bounty hunter, and exactly what has happened to the human race (you gave hints about how they had become mindless). Elaborate more on this please.
Overall
I think your writing style is great, I love all the action going on in this and if you arrange the one or two small things I pointed out, it will be all the better.
P.M me if you need any more reviews or if you have any questions.
xxMiaxx
I found the concept interesting and the first-person POV is done really well, for the most part. I didn't get to read the second chapter, but I like this. The chapter also seemed really short. I'd keep this up, it seems good to me.
Hi there!
So far, this story seems pretty interesting. I just jumped in here, but it's not too hard to figure out what is going on, which is nice. You have a nice flair for action, there are just a few little things you might want to fix up...
The period should be a comma. Otherwise, the pause that the period creates breaks up the flow of your sentence.
This might flow better if you changed it to something like this: I started racking my brain again. What would I do when I get out?
Oh ho ho! Nice foreshadowing! I really like this - it makes me curious! You've done a great job with this piece of writing.