bounty hunter, chapter 1

by ofir

chapter 1

I hated waking up. It was the worse part of the day. My clock buzzed another demanding shrill chime. I opened my eyes unwillingly, staring at the boy in front of my eyes.

He was grumpy-looking. He had raven black hair, two sharp cheekbones, a sharp chin held up high. Two almond shaped eyes stared back at me, such a dark brown that you could hardly tell they were brown at all- they seemed black. I checked the boy's eyes for one more moment. Yes, grumpy indeed. His black straight hair covered about half of his forehead, which was now creased in a speculating look.

I laughed at my brooding expression. The boy in the reflection laughed too. And for a moment, I wasn't Stefan the Russian bounty hunter, off to another thrilling adventure. I was just Steff. The Steff I wanted to be. Just a regular Stefan between the hundreds of them in Moscow. I wasn't supposed to be any different. I could've been like them. But I just couldn't except that fact, I couldn't just sit back and take my fate as it was supposed to be, the right way my life should've gone. I couldn't be a good little idiot and do what I was told. I couldn't have a good, normal life.

I popped a toothpaste pill into my mouth, grimacing at the acidic taste. Tooth brushes had gone out of use about ninety years ago, before the big mutiny. A lot of things that the Metals invented were out of use now. They nearly ruined the world, and then thought they could fix it with science, so that just comes to show how smart they were. I wouldn't trust my teeth with their inventions.

I dressed slowly, not bothering to look at what I was wearing. I had bigger worries than that. So this was going to be my biggest account so far. Davie Jones. Now there's a big fish. I made myself laugh.

"Stefan? Laughing?" I heard Lindsey's clear voice, and knew the exact incredulous way her eyebrows were raised now. The left just a bit higher than the right.

Lindsey was like my semi-little sister. Only I didn't need to worry about her all the time- I knew she could take care of herself. She proved that at our training facility. I didn't want to remember that place. 'The 13 districts.' My home for about five years. We were given a chance, an opportunity not to be a puppet on strings. To deliver so called 'justice' in the supervision's name. To be a bounty hunter, and in return not get brain washed like everybody else. It was hard, managing a world where everyone has an opinion, so the supervision solved that. The operation solved everything. Humans were pretty much the same, only they didn't have an opinion about politics, or who runs their life. It's like somebody erased the part in their minds that said they had an option.

But there was one. And I took it gladly. I just didn't know what I was getting myself into.

Lindsey's winds flapped in the air, demanding my attention.

The magical society came forward then, revealing their true selves to the humans after hiding for years. We were entwined with each other now, both our societies bounded to the one ruler of the world. The supervision.

"Stefan! Are you listening at all?" she demanded, her gentle face was twisted in a scowl.

She looked nice today, her brown hair was pulled back into two braids.

"You look good sis'" I commented, as if unaware of her mood.

Lindsey seemed embarrassed. "That's none of your business…" she muttered, her cheeks growing a faint red."I just have something I want to look nice for today." She stared at the floor awkwardly, as if avoiding the subject. I was silent. "Fine! So I have a date, are you happy?" she snapped at me. I just stared at her dumbfounded. "I'm going to be fine," she calmed me, still staring at the floor, still very awkward. "I know how to look after myself… but you should start dating too, boss…"

dating? I thought blankly, other people got to worry about that. I didn't. I had to worry about saving my own life every night. Besides, anyone under the age of sixteen had already gotten the operation. I wasn't going to spend my life with a puppet on strings. I would endure what ever physical or emotional pain that would come as a result, but I just wasn't going to do it.

"I'll see what I can find about Davie Jones, boss." Lindsey muttered, nodding her head in my direction, still looking down.

"Sure…" I was able to force out the word.

"And think about what I said, okay?" she was still muttering. I heard the flap of her wings, and then she was gone. I shuddered. How could she do that? How could she want to date a brainless psycho? I didn't get it. I shrugged. I had other problems. Lindsey was a big girl, she could take care of herself. She didn't really need me. Another shudder, my whole frame shook this time. Why was that thought so scary?

A knock came from the door. My whole body sprung into action, my senses seemed sharper by the adrenaline rush. I pulled out my rod and held an old fashioned gun in my hand. "who is it?" I asked in the politest tone I could gather.

"Um, I'm Chris, your neighbor." Came a friendly voice, female, sweet and nice. I lowered my gun. "Sure, just a minute!" I yelled over the metal door. That's when everything crashed in chaos.

Comments & reviews · 4
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dragnet
Review
dragnet wrote a review · Sun Apr 19, 2009 7:46 pm

Methinks it was good. Me likey! Me like you! Methinks you good! Methinks you good good! Methinks you good good for junior writer. Methinks I be junior writers too, so I shouldn't say that. Methinks I should check. Methinks it was nice. Methinks I want more more MORE! Methinks I want to be friends.

What do youthinks?

User avatar
Cotton
Review
Cotton wrote a review · Sun Apr 19, 2009 5:49 pm

I think you got the opening just right with the introduction of your main character because you put in a fabulously detailed description of his appearance, then a subtle one of his personality. In the first half I chuckled several times to myself - I really liked the way you've written that. You get the strong sense of his age from those opening paragraphs. I think leaving it on a cliffhanger like that was a very wise decision - not only does it want me as a reader to know what happens next, it is in keeping with the story, and the character's life (what little I can glean from the story so far)
Just one point (other than what the previous post has said) is when you say "Lindsey's winds flapped in the air, demanding my attention." I think you mean "wings".
I can't wait to find out what happens next! It looks like it will be one of those stories that makes you think about things in a wholly different way/from a different perspective - which is pretty much my favourite kind of story!

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mimimac
Review

Hey ofir! I'm back to review chapter one! :D

Grammatical mistakes and nitpicks

I opened my eyes unwillingly, staring at the boy in front of my eyes.

Eyes is used twice in this sentence... I would change the second half of the sentence to: 'staring at the boy in front of me'.

But I just couldn't except that fact, I couldn't just sit back and take my fate as it was supposed to be, the right way my life should've gone.

I'm pretty sure 'except' should be 'accept'.

So this was going to be my biggest account so far.

You've already described something using a form of the word 'big'. Try describe the 'account' using something else. Maybe you could say 'So this was going to be my most important account so far'?

So this was going to be my biggest account so far. Davie Jones.

As I said last time, I'm pretty sure it's Davy Jones.

'The 13 districts.'

'13' should be 'thirteen'.

Lindsey's winds flapped in the air, demanding my attention.
The magical society came forward then, revealing their true selves to the humans after hiding for years. We were entwined with each other now, both our societies bounded to the one ruler of the world. The supervision.

I think 'Lindsey's winds flapped in the air, demanding my attention' should come after 'The magical society came forward then, revealing their true selves to the humans after hiding for years. We were entwined with each other now, both our societies bounded to the one ruler of the world. The supervision.' This is because how it is at the moment seems like you're skipping from subject to subject and it's confusing.

I just stared at her dumbfounded. "I'm going to be fine," she calmed me, still staring at the floor, still very awkward.

'Calmed' doesn't make much sense here. I think it should be changed to 'assured'.

dating?

Capitalize the first letter of dating!

"who is it?" I asked in the politest tone I could gather.

Capitalize the first letter of 'who'.

Descriptions
These were good! A definite improvement since last time. Just try and use more 'showing' and not 'telling' I'm pretty sure I explained this last time and gave you a link to a good article about it. If I didn't please PM me so I will.

Characters
Again, a definite improvement. I got to know your MC more, and the relationship between him and Lyndsey. ;) I love how she sounds like she likes him. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

Plot
You elaborated much more on this here, especially when you started talking about how humans seem all mindless and such. Don't think there's much to improve in this category too! :D

Overall
You've definitely taken aboard all I said last time and I think you've improved in leaps and bounds. There was much more descriptions, characterizations, and the plot thickened. Great cliffhanger ending too. Those are awesome because they make the reader want to know what's going to happen in the next chapter. ;)
Awesome job!
Keep up the great work!
PM me when the next part is up or if you have any questions.
xxmimixx



I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling