Up The Horizon. first chapter

by ofir

okay, so i don't really know how this works. i'm going to put it here and we'll see from there. nobody ever really critesised me before because not many people ever read my stuff, so clearly, i could use your help right now! thanks! thank you for commenting! it really does mean a lot! I editted a bit according to your suggestions, hope you enjoy it!

chapter one

Confused. That's mostly what I was now. It couldn't really get any worst than this, I stated in my head, grinding my teeth. I hoped the boss wouldn't notice I was this grouchy, or else she would use it to annoy me, just like always.

But of course she did, she always did. A perfect, nice smile streched across Boss's pixie face, most people thought about that and chuckled quietly, comparing her with a pixie. Of course I knew the truth, it was exactly that. Of course most people would've thought her nice too, and the smile she was smiling right now would've looked completely normal to them. Maybe they would even smile back.

But they really didn't have my vision. I could feel her gloat from behind the friendly way she smiled.

To be honest, I really didn't like spending time with Boss. It usually meant some crises that one of our kinds caused, and that meant I would have to march there and clean it up. That's why I wasn't at all happy to be here, in this big office again.

The minute I walked in I knew something was up. Susan, the pretty, clueless secretary didn't smile. She fidgeted back and forth on her chair, biting her nails with visible stress . That didn't make sense. Susan always smiled.

She looked at me with an exhausted expression, letting her hands fall at once. Her gentle face was framed with long autumn hair, her skin was creamy and she had a pair of thin glasses covering her normal, human, brown eyes. when she looked at me I felt sort of unsure, I knew that my ears were tucked away under my black woolen hat, I knew that other than that nobody could really tell I was an elf, that I can hear things louder, that I can smell things and see things so much clearer then them. I can even twitch around with plants, making them grow in seconds, making them blossom. I couldn't make them die afterwards though.

Most people never really thought of me that way. Oh look, here's that silent weird boy with the ruffled brown hair and those big vulnerable green eyes of his, they would think, I knew they thought it, I could see it in their eyes, with that scary pale skin, he must not be eating well if he's that pale and that skinny! He must be a rebel, they would determine at last, and I would ignore, sinking deeper into the battered poetry book I always held in my hands.

I wasn't especially stronger than any other fifteen year old. Even my life span was as long as a human. It was just that I could feel everything so much sharper, razor sharp.

I knew what people thought about my parents death, poor him, they would whisper behind my back when they thought I couldn't hear, but I always heard, no matter how hard I tried, poor little Artemis. Nobody loves him now. No thanks to you, I always thought, but then I shrugged. They were just humans, and what upset me the most was that I was just about one of them. If not for these damn ears I could walk around just like anybody else.

But something was up, Susan didn't even look at my woolen hat, she was so used to it being there. it went well with the way I looked, I have to admit, covering my ruffled brown hair, sort of stunning against my pale skin and big green eyes. It was a little messy, a little unsure.

She smiled feebly and told me to take a seat. Boss would see me in a few moments. That's what got me stressed. It was like banging my head in a wall, I couldn't figure out what happened.

I read the tension in the other room with my nose. It reeked of fighting, even till the reception area. Count on Boss to do that part. No voices though. Boss never invited me over and wasn't ready to greet me, it really wasn't like her. Sure she was reckless, way too reckless than to be a minister to all magical creatures alive, but sure, she pulled that off, and then assigning me to be in the first line, another line up of disputes and arguments. She pulled through that one too.

What exactly was going on here? What sort of emergency was it this time? My face paled. Did the humans find out? I looked at Susan cautiously, all the bad energy from Boss was finally starting to rub in on her, but that was it. I felt better instantly, so they didn't find out then. I grinded my teeth, this couldn't be any worst, I grumbled in my head. Even though Boss wasn't here she was still annoying the hell out of me. It was so unfair.

A tall man walked from the conference room. He looked angry. he walked fast, not sparing either me or Susan a second glance. It was like in cartoons, when the main character said something about how it just couldn't get worst, it would rain just then. Instead of the rain I got my own personal thunder storm.

Boss walked over toward us, she had small feet, but was very balanced. Almost too balanced. She was about thirty, you couldn't really see that. Her straight black hair was cut with percision right untill her chin in a straight line. Her too bright and glistening blue eyes locked on me from her abnormally short hight. Her pointy chin was held up high, her sharp cheek bones, looking almost like arowheads when she raised her head in this angle, were taunting and sharp. Her nose was small and pointy, her face resembeled that of a childs, though her pixie features were perfectly clear. And she smiled. That was the worst of it yet. "Hey there, Artemis." She said, and she was gloating, in every single word, making sure I heard, I had no doubt about that.

I didn't answer, I was assessing the situation. So there was a fight between her and the man that left. She won. I almost snorted- how typical was that? But then her face clouded over with worry. She was so much like a child in many ways, in her behavior too. Not this time. This time something was dead wrong.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
averianmariej
Comment

First off, I'd just like to say I love the beginnings of your story.

User avatar
ofir
Comment

thanks! I editted it a bit according to your tips! It really helped!

User avatar
Dreamworx95
Review

Hello, Ofir, I'm Worx, and I shall be your reviewer for the day, my liege. ;)

The first thing I noticed was the giant block of text in the middle of the page. Seriously, homie. You could break that up into about five or six individual paragraphs. I highly recommend you do so.

This was actually rather interesting. Not your typical elf story, I must say. The main character seems misunderstood, but doesn't mind all that much. That's good, I don't like main characters who complain all the time.

One thing that confused me:

Susan, the pretty clueless secretary didn't smile.

I didn't know whether you meant Susan was pretty and clueless, or pretty clueless.

Also, some of the descriptions were a little telly:
She was about thirty, she had straight black hair and a pair of two blue glistening eyes, her features was sharp and taunting, like a little child who was sort of skinny.

Yes, very telly indeed. "She looked like this..." Try to show what the boss looks like. If I'm confusing you, here's an example: "Boss walked toward us, her straight black hair swinging from side to side down the middle of her back, staring at us with her sharp and taunting features. Her glistening blue eyes looked up at us condescendingly from her abnormally short height...."

Get what I'm sayin', yo?

Well, in any case, I found this enjoyable, although it was hard to get through the huge building of letters in the middle. If you have more up, I'd like to read it. Ciao, keep dreamin'

Worx.

Okay, so I know my advice won't help very much but here we go...
So I noticed that you didn't really describe your main character enough for me to imagine them.
And when you wrote about the boss you tended to just write 'boss' when it should be 'the boss'.
And why did the main character care if the boss noticed he was grouchy?
Why was the main character confused and grouchy anyway?
'The boss stretched a perfectly nice smile across her pixie face' should be written more like this(in my opinion),
'A perfect smile stretched across my boss's pixie face'.
I believe it works better.
'Susan, the pretty clueless secretary didn't smile.' should be written more like,
'Susan, the pretty, clueless secretary didn't smile.' or(depending on how you meant it to sound),
'Susan, the clueless secretary didn't smile.'
'She was fidgeting back and forth on her chair, biting her nails with stress visibly.' should be written like,
'She fidgeted back and forth in her chair, reduced to biting her nails from so much stress.'
I think that sounds better.
Also, your second(I think it's your second) paragraph is HUGE and I mean HUMONGOUS! You really need to break it down, otherwise it intimidates your readers so much that they don't read the story(it intimidates me too).
So, just remember to watch your grammar and don't make HUGE paragraphs like your second paragraph(it's scary).
Hope I helped(even just a little, tiny bit)!

User avatar
Blink
Comment

Hello. =)

That's mostly what I was now.

This is one strange sentence. You've got present, then past, then present.



Eating rice cakes satisfies that part of my brain that makes me want to eat styrofoam
— RangerofIthilien