z

Young Writers Society



The realm

by ofir


Hey there! Please help with this chapter! I wanted it to be clear: this is not some love story, filled with gooy things. It has a bit of that - sorry - but please just put up with this chapter. I added my own experience of fainting here, though I never fully fainted, so if anybody has and thinks I got it wrong, please tell me! Thank you so much for you help! It is greatly appreciated.

Chapter two - Stranger

"Come off it! It's okay."

"Yeah, look at me; I'm a freak."

"Easy for you to say. At least you can do something."

"I turn into a rat with wings, is that really that great?"

"As I already said: I am a freak."

Damon simply refused to get cheered. His mouth stretched down at the corners, making him seem like a scowling child, despite his height.

Lily leaned on the moist bark of the big tree, her foot tapping the hard, dark soil rhythmically. Something uncomfortable twisted in her stomach, and her eyes clouded over with worry. This was serious. Damon never reacted this badly before; he usually just laughed it off. But seventeen was on the horizon now, and Damon was getting desperate about his powers, Lily knew that.

Lily's usually peaceful temper was at its limits; she wanted to pick a fight with whoever decided not to give Damon his powers now. A good, tough fight where she'd get to break a nose or two. And that was saying a lot on her behalf.

"It's not that bad, Damon. Honestly," Nell was saying with a shrug.

Damon's scowl intensified, and he shook his head, as if dismissing her concern. "Just go, guys."

"No." Lily laid her head stubbornly on an outstretched branch, murmuring a stiff "thank you" to the tree. The wind shook its branches lightly and it touched her pointed ear gingerly, as if in affection.

"Damon," Nell began, but he cut her off.

"You. Don't. Understand." There was a murderous streak in his brown eyes, one that was almost malevolent. Lily'd never seen him in such a bad mood before. She shared an alarmed glance with Nell before nodding slowly.

"You want us to leave?" she asked quietly, her face straight and her emerald eyes cool. Her hands were locked in two tight fists behind her back, fingers digging into her palms. The bark of the tree suddenly felt stingy, as if absorbing her mood.

It seemed like all the air sagged away from his body. Damon fell down to the forest floor, brown sand and dry leaves sticking to his knees as his coffee eyes stared at the earth. "No, I – I didn't mean that," he whispered to the ground.

His maple skin seemed a bit darker as the sun retreated slowly, the sky taking a slightly pinkish color. The moon was almost visible on the horizon now.

He seemed confused and scared. Lily couldn't stop the tears that fell from her eyes now. "Oh, Damon!" With only the least of uncertainty, she reached down and held his shoulders.

Nell let out a weak smile, putting a hesitant hand on his left shoulder as well. "Oh, get over it already," she said softly, all the sting taken out of her voice.

Damon nodded slowly. "It's just – just that I wish I was normal, you know?"

"I can't help you there," Lily said with barely any humor in her voice. There was a glum note added to it when she said the next sentence. "Freak, remember?" She pointed at herself delicately.

"Yeah," Nell said, her lips curled down in a grimace. "I don't really count normal either. Bear in mind: vampire speaking. There aren't much of us left." She made a face, as if she just smelled something awful. "I'm condemned to a life which I never chose in the first place."

A tiny smile tugged the corners of Damon's mouth persistently. "I'm sure you'd choose the same if you had a choice," he said in a small voice.

"Probably." Nell stretched her other hand to look at her finger tips.

"Besides, you are special," Lily intruded the shaky atmosphere of peace between the two. "Damon, you're special to us."

Damon huffed, trying to hide how much that meant to him. "How am I special?" he asked in disgust.

"You're a laugh," Nell suggested. The wind tossed her black curls away from her cold navy eyes. She nodded her head in appreciation, making them fall in once more.

Lily's amber colored hair smoothed out as the wind caressed her as well. The wind couldn't wipe her tears, though.

"And you're smart, and kind, and sweet." Lily's voice broke with her tears. "And you're my best friend!"

Damon hurried to his feet, swinging his arm around her from one side. Nell looked critically at the young man's awkward figure, her blue eyes flashing. "Now look what you've done," she scolded him, turning to her friend. Her hand instinctively flew up to hold Lily's arm. "Lils, don't worry. He's not hurt or anything."

"I know," Lily agreed with a wobbly smile. She felt so silly, the hot sensation of embarrassment coloring her cheeks. "I shouldn't be crying. This is ridiculous."

"Well, you didn't have the simplest day," Damon said thoughtfully.

Nell threw him a sardonic glance. "So he speaks," she said with a wry smile. Damon aimed a kick at her, his cheeks burning over his maple skin. Lily laughed, watching her two friends bickering. Nell had somehow managed to lock Damon's arms in one of hers, and was now ruffling his hair with a smirk that could only be described as playfully evil.

Lily took in a deep breath. Everything was going to be alright. She could deal with the glances, with the whispers, with everything as long as they were together.

It sounded cheesy to her, and she burst out in new laughter. Nell chuckled in a low voice, while Damon simply shook with giggles. They laughed along with her, none of them sure exactly why they were laughing. It felt good.

Nell pushed Damon with a slap on his back. "Hope you feel better now." For once, her voice was sincere, cleaned from all the sarcasm and arrogance.

Damon cleared his throat. "Thanks guys." He stared at the ground. "I don't know what came over me."

"Whatever it was, it came over me too." Lily's bright green eyes turned considerate. "I suppose we need sun."

Nell grimaced, cobalt eyes half shut, as if this was a tiring subject.

"You don't have to come along," Lily hurried to say, clutching at Nell's arms. "It's okay, really. We don't have to go if it's too much of a bother."

Damon's laughter cut short, his wide nut brown eyes turning into slits as he tried to stare through the thick trees. The air rang of silence with the absence of his laughter, feeling oddly stale and frozen.

Nell turned her head warily, as if someone called her, her black curls swinging around her.

And Lily – well, Lily was a simply stunned. The red eyes. She was sure she saw them, sure they glinted in the darkness of the woods, near that tree right over there. She forced herself to stay balanced.

When Nell's head turned back sharply, it was just in time to catch her fall. Damon let out a strangled scream, and there were arms holding her shoulders – firm arms, that weren't being very gentle. Hands squeezed her shoulders so tightly it hurt – but she was so sleepy now, and the pain meant little.

Her vision was getting a bit blurry, the edges turning a discolored black, but that didn't bother her as much as it should have. The arms held her steadily now. I will not faint, she thought feebly. Her hands started feeling too cold.

Voices spoke, but she couldn't make out clear words. I wonder if this is what fainting feels like, she speculated numbly. Strange feeling; not exactly stressful, just sleepy… fading.

More voices. More unintelligible words. The dark focused and she only barely saw a hint to the green leaves and dark trees that were there before. And then everything was quiet. A friendly sound, inviting her to close her eyes. Just for a while, Lily amended. She was so tired… it couldn't hurt, could it?

She heard Nell's voice, weaker and weaker until it died away, toneless. And then Damon's voice, the soft, familiar hum of his tone slowly disappearing. But that's okay, Lily thought, her head swimming. The darkness won't hurt her. No, the darkness was good if you looked deep down. With that thought, she finally lost consciousness.

The darkness welcomed her like an old friend, not menacing, but simply there. Lily embraced it gladly, feeling herself sink down and down into the black abyss.

***

Breathing. One, two, three breaths. Again. A voice. "No, she's not up yet." Not a voice she recognized. Lily twitched her fingers lightly. The felt taut, but it worked. She turned her head gently to one side. Her cheek brushed against something soft and silky. She opened her eyes slowly, fear forming in her stomach. What had happened? Where were Nell and Damon? Where was she?

The room was bright, the walls a pale blue, almost like the sky on a sunny day, brilliant and blinding. A single window was opened as wide as it would go, too small to bring the room enough light. And yet it shone with extraordinary brightness. This made Lily feel much better. She stared up at the white ceiling, her head spinning. No, this was okay. She was not harmed, and she had a pretty good view of what had happened; she'd fainted. She was safely in a bed here. But where was here exactly?

She breathed deeply until the ceiling stopped whirling. She struggled to her elbow, eyes still half closed. The bed was comfortable, the sheets pale orange, silky smooth. Lily rubbed her eyes blearily.

"Good morning," said the voice from before quietly. Lily flinched, her eyes flying wide open.

Tall figure. White hair.

Red eyes.

The red eyes.

She felt dizzy again. "G–" she stuttered, her voice failing her. She gulped loudly. "Good morning," she said weakly.

To her surprise, the tall figure of the young man bent down and loud, booming laughter echoed through the room. Lily felt the urge to laugh herself, but fought it. Instead, she stared at her covers, her skin slowly regaining its creamy color as her coherence returned. When she dared glimpse at them again, the red eyes were laughing and warm.

"You gave your friends a fright," the youth said then, the corners of his pale mouth still arched upward. His sharp teeth glinted as he spoke, making Lily come back to reality. He'd seemed like a dream. She stared at the orange covers, her throat clogging up–what could she say? She knew she needed to ask questions, but her mind was stuck.

"This is my home, in case you're wondering," he continued without missing a beat. "And your friends are waiting for you downstairs."

Lily smiled eagerly, rising from the bed abruptly. But she stood up too fast, and stumbled back onto the mattress. A giggle escaped from her lips, and then the firm arms were steadying her again. Only then she noticed that her clothes were too smooth, too thin to really be hers.

She looked down at the baby blue robe, soft as silk, wrapped around her, shrugging away from the hands clumsily. Lily turned scarlet, opened her mouth, then closed it again. When she looked at the boy, he was smirking.

"Where are my clothes?" Her tone was soft.

"I hope you don't mind – I asked one of the maids to do it, so you'd feel more comfortable." The boy smiled a wide smile. Lily didn't like that smile – it sent chills down her spine.

Lily took another steadying breath. "Oh," was all she could say. Her mind got stuck once more. What is it? she thought in frustration. After a minute of silence, Lily asked again shyly: "Um, sir?" She felt completely idiotic, her cheeks flaming. "Where are my clothes?" She took a hesitant step forward.

The same loud, happy laughter was heard once again. Lily stared at the young man's face in quiet disbelief. This time, the edgy face turned soft, the pale skin smoothed. His expression was gentle, recognizable, normal and lovable. It was happy.

She breathed in relief, her brain working yet again. The smiling face, the familiar sound of cheerful laughter helped it unfreeze.

"Clothes?" She raised an eyebrow at the boy.

He nodded, still grinning widely. "On the edge of your bed," he said happily.

Lily smiled back this time, only slightly disturbed by the returned smile she got. "Thanks," she answered, grateful that the words came of their own. The youth nodded, turned around, and closed the dark cherry door behind him.

Back in her uniform, Lily followed. The room was placed in a hallway, many more rooms with the same deep cherry door continued down it endlessly. The stairs were made of dark marble, and she placed a hand on the rock as she walked down, feeling its even and cool texture.

"Oh, thank heaven!"

"Lily!"

Damon and Nell's voices intertwined with each other, hardly understandable while mixed together, and then the two were racing at her, Nell's arms opened wide. "I was worried!" she called fiercely, holding Lily close.

Lily gasped in surprise, putting a shaky hand on Nell's back. "I'm fine," she muttered, her green eyes vibrant.

"Out of my way!" Damon pushed the tall girl away from Lily, swinging his long arms around her. "What happened to you, Lily? You had me scared to death!" The words were followed by a very ungentlemanly curse, the nut brown eyes bright.

Lily hugged Damon tightly back. "Sorry," she mumbled.

When she pulled back, she remembered something that hadn't been clear to her before. Because, even if she didn't answer it, Damon knew that she'd fainted. "Do you guys happen to know if Elves can faint?"

Damon and Nell switched perplexed glances. "Better ask headmaster," Damon said with a shrug.

Lily felt her lower lip slip out in a pout. "Right."

"You've got to thank Abel," Nell urged, one hand on Lily's shoulder, her freezing eyes boring into Lily's. "He's done so much."

Lily nodded slowly, understanding brightening her face. "That's right! His name is Abel!" She smacked her forehead softly. "How could I forget?"

"How indeed," said a quiet voice from the end of the room, chilling and slow. But Lily didn't shudder – instead, she felt the warmest sensation run through her chest. She turned her gaze, searching for the red eyes.

"Thanks, Abel." The words sounded natural, and the smile on her lips felt like it too.

The youth seemed taken aback, his white hair falling to cover his red eyes once more. But his lips twitched in what Lily assumed was a smile. She turned to her friends. "I think we should go now." The two nodded helplessly.

"Thanks, dude," Damon called a bit too loudly, the words echoing in the empty house. Empty and alone and scary, Lily thought, compassion lighting her eyes.

"Do you…" She stared at the polished marble of the floor awkwardly. "We might all be hanging out later in the moonlight. Want to join?" She felt Damon's slight objection without him saying a word. Nell didn't especially care, and her grip on Lily's shoulder remained the same.

There was a ringing silence.

"No." The answer was abrupt, cold. "Even if I helped you, I'm not your friend."

Somehow, Lily found it easier to lift her head now. The feeling of humiliation wasn't burning like earlier that day, just a numb sensation, tugging on her senses. "Okay," she said simply.

Nell pointed silently at the door, her long curls twisting themselves around her collarbone, emphasizing her pale skin, her freezing eyes shooting daggers at Abel. Lily took Nell's hand without hesitation, squeezing it lightly. It's not worth it, she said with her eyes.

As they turned toward the door, she snatched Damon's hand from his side, holding it loosely in hers. It felt soft and warm, and Damon smiled widely at her, a soothing smile that settled her.

Even after they crossed the door, returning to the woods, she didn't let go of their hands. Even Damon didn't object.

"Thanks for worrying so much, you guys." Her voice was surprisingly calm. She saw Nell glance at Damon, and Damon glance back.

"You okay?" He touched her shoulder gingerly with his free hand.

Lily smiled easily. "Yeah." She was sure of it. Abel was probably scared of her power, or maybe he just didn't like her. It didn't really matter. "As long as I have you guys, I'm going to be okay."

Nell made a gagging sound, chuckling in a low voice. "Talk about tacky." She giggled again. "It's like a movie with cheap lines."

Damon glowered at her. "I think it was nice," he said heatedly, folding his arms across his chest. They were walking the familiar path to his home, the trees circled in blackness.

"I think headmaster will be upset if I come home too late," Lily turned to look at the stars. Yes, it was definitely late. Nell glanced upward too.

"I don't understand how you guys like the sun so much. Just look at those stars, at that moon."

And Lily did look. Her grip tightened on both their hands. "I like them both," she said softly.

Damon sighed. "I suppose my family would be upset if I was too late, though they're here." He glanced at the trees around them apologetically.

"Nymphs are weird," Nell snorted. "You guys are born from the trees, thus the trees are your families. How can you even communicate with them?"

Damon smiled. "I get by just fine, thank you."

"I can talk with them too," Lily said, squeezing Damon's hand.

He squeezed back soothingly. "Mom likes you," he encouraged.

Nell rolled her eyes. "You are talking about a tree, for the love of –"

"What about your parents?" Lily interrupted, cutting off the fight.

"Oh." Nell blinked her frosty blue eyes, thick black eyelashes leaving shadows over her pale skin. "They don't mind me being out late, but I think Mansion's getting lonely without me. I need to get back too."

"Still can't believe you named your house," Damon mumbled, hiding a chuckle.

"You talk to a tree, for crying out loud!"

Lily released their hands. "I'll meet you tomorrow on the road, right?" she asked Nell, her brow crumpling.

"'Course." Nell smiled a frozen smile back.

"And then we'll pick you up, sleepy-head." She turned to Damon. He gave her a quick hug.

"See you then!" he called, leaning on one of the trees. It seemed like his skin, his clothes were slowly defusing with the tree, until he completely disappeared, like he was being slowly swallowed and pulled back deeper.

Nell muttered something that sounded like "… Freaky shadow creatures…" before she turned to hug Lily. "You be sure to tell headmaster you fainted, all right? I want you looked at. And you need that sun."

Lily nodded obediently, her eyelids drooping – fainting took a lot out of you, she realized. With one last wave, Nell disappeared in the darkness, and Lily was alone. She sat on the soft, dark ground, closing her eyes. "Home," she murmured. And when she opened them again, the lean figure of headmaster was towering over her.

"I don't like you being late," she scolded Lily sharply.

Lily smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, Mom."


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73 Reviews


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Sat Aug 15, 2009 11:42 am
MiriamHannah wrote a review...



I'm really sorry I didn't review this earlier, I wrote this really long review detailing everything and then my internet died and it was lost. Very frustrating.
So this will be shorter but characters-
You have a very nice main character, it suits the story well. She is the sort of person that seems so good willed, so caring that you have to love her, the reader will instantly feel a connection and that is vital for a story like this. I like Nell. Some people reading this won't and I think that's nice, a character divide. She has the ability to stop the soppiness, keep the story real. I would say that you need to be very careful with her. She's a vampire and you need to make it very clear to the reader that she has nothing to do with twilight or the traditional vampire. The thing is that for the next ten or more years, you mention 'vampire' to any girl and they'll start thinking twilight whether in i loved it or I hated it. With that just be careful to keep out of any of that and know in yourself what/who she eats, is she burnt by water, is she scared of the cross. Small things that you are into by calling her a vamp. Damon seems almost like a male version of Lily, except with far different problems. It's a very traditional sort of team with the different pieces being fed into it from different people.
Abel... well you need to be careful because at the moment he's being portrayed in two very different ways. You're writing him a lot older than you're describing him. From what you've said I have to assume he's a similar age to Lily, but then again, the way he acts would make him seem middle aged or even elderly. You may have a plan on that, something that would make him seem more grown up, but I'm just warning you that it's slightly confusing. At least it shows character differences.
Storyline- There isn't much to go on yet, at the moment you really need to focus on character development and setting the scene.
I'll try to get to the next chapter as well, but they're really long and I'm quite a slow reader when I'm reviewing!!!




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Sun Aug 09, 2009 7:27 pm
Bickazer wrote a review...



Hi, ofir, I'm back. ^^ If my last review hasn't completely scared you away...

I'll try to be less nitpicky because I think you're already aware of the basic issues with the story.

"Come off it! It's okay."
"Yeah, look at me; I'm a freak."
"Easy for you to say. At least you can do something."
"I turn into a rat with wings, is that really that great?"
"As I already said: I am a freak."


Umm...who is having this conversation? It's not such a good idea to start off a chapter with a talking head scene. At least have the first two lines qualified by tags so we can figure out who's speaking.

Also...so this is the start of the second chapter? It seems rather jarring, especially since the last chapter ended on such an abrupt note. At least describe the class's reaction to Damon's doing nothing in that chapter, because otherwise it feels like you just terminated the chapter mid-scene.

And that was saying a lot on her behalf.


I'd reword this as "And for her, that was saying a lot". The "on her behalf" part just feels awkward.

There was a murderous streak in his brown eyes, one that was almost malevolent.


"Murderous" and "malevolent" are incredibly strong words that bring in mind Freddy Krueger and Hannibal Lecter, not a nice teenage boy like Damon. Again, consider the connotations of the words before using them.

His maple skin seemed a bit darker as the sun retreated slowly, the sky taking a slightly pinkish color. The moon was almost visible on the horizon now.


Hold on, where exactly are they? Is school over now?

She pointed at herself delicately.


How can a point be delicate? Show us the gesture, instead of telling us that it's "delicate".

The wind tossed her black curls away from her cold navy eyes.


Hold on, there's a contradiction here--in the first chapter, you said that Nell's eyes were icy blue, which I take is a light shade of blue (similar to glacial ice). "Navy" conveys a completely separate image.

Lily took in a deep breath. Everything was going to be alright. She could deal with the glances, with the whispers, with everything as long as they were together.


"All right" is two words. But I do like this paragraph and the above one--it's a very good example of showing that these kids are friends, instead of saying it in a heavy-handed manner as you did at points in the first chapter. I wasn't quite sure if they were that close in the first chapter, but now, by the second chapter, I can see the exact depth of their friendship.

They laughed along with her, none of them sure exactly why they were laughing. It felt good.


Normally I'd condemn using that word, but it feels like this sentence would have more impact if you put "just" in front of the "felt".

For once, her voice was sincere, cleaned from all the sarcasm and arrogance.


"Cleaned from" is a rather awkward phrasing and doesn't feel right. I'd just say "free of".

And Lily – well, Lily was a simply stunned.


There is something about this sentence that just bothers the hell out of me. It has such a schmaltzy and over-the-top feel...I don't know if I can define it. It might be better stated as "And Lily was simply stunned".

She was sure she saw them, sure they glinted in the darkness of the woods, near that tree right over there.


Which tree, over where? Be more specific. Is it behind her? To her left? To her right? This goes hand in hand with describing settings better.

Voices spoke, but she couldn't make out clear words. I wonder if this is what fainting feels like, she speculated numbly. Strange feeling; not exactly stressful, just sleepy… fading.
More voices. More unintelligible words. The dark focused and she only barely saw a hint to the green leaves and dark trees that were there before. And then everything was quiet. A friendly sound, inviting her to close her eyes. Just for a while, Lily amended. She was so tired… it couldn't hurt, could it?
She heard Nell's voice, weaker and weaker until it died away, toneless. And then Damon's voice, the soft, familiar hum of his tone slowly disappearing. But that's okay, Lily thought, her head swimming. The darkness won't hurt her. No, the darkness was good if you looked deep down. With that thought, she finally lost consciousness.
The darkness welcomed her like an old friend, not menacing, but simply there. Lily embraced it gladly, feeling herself sink down and down into the black abyss.


I haven't had personal experience with fainting, so feel free to disregard me if I'm wrong, but I feel that Lily's taking much too long to faint. I was starting to get impatient midway through, wondering "why don't you just faint already"?

But if fainting does take a long time, then I'm just being an idiot.

Breathing. One, two, three breaths. Again. A voice. "No, she's not up yet." Not a voice she recognized. Lily twitched her fingers lightly.


I like this series of short, emphatic sentences--it helps emphasize how jumbled Lily's thoughts are.

The felt taut, but it worked


How can fingers feel taut? I tend to think of tautness as something to do with stretching, like a rope or fabric. Maybe you mean "stiff"?

The room was bright, the walls a pale blue, almost like the sky on a sunny day, brilliant and blinding.


More excess of adjectives. The "brilliant and blinding" and "almost" can be excised. Remember, tighten, tighten!

And yet it shone with extraordinary brightness.


What shone with extraordinary brightness? The window?

To her surprise, the tall figure of the young man bent down and loud, booming laughter echoed through the room.


You don't have to say "tall figure", since you've already pretty much stated that.

This time, the edgy face turned soft, the pale skin smoothed. His expression was gentle, recognizable, normal and lovable. It was happy.


An excess of adjectives here. It's almost like you're trying too hard to convey that Abel is coming across as normal and helpful.

The room was placed in a hallway,


"Was placed" implies that it's temporary, like a book being placed on a desk. Rooms are a permanent fixture in hallways. So yeah...rethink your verb choice.

Damon and Nell's voices intertwined with each other, hardly understandable while mixed together


The "while mixed together" is unnecessary because you already said the voices are intertwined.

I do like the imagery of the voices being intertwined, it reminds me of vines choking each other and seeing as voices are things that can rise like vines, it's an appropriate image.

Empty and alone and scary, Lily thought, compassion lighting her eyes.


I don't quite follow why Lily would be feeling compassion.

Abel was probably scared of her power, or maybe he just didn't like her.


There's something about Lily's reaction that just bothers me slightly, even though I can't really explain it...it's more that she seems so remarkably blase about the experience. Her feelings about Abel are bothering me as well, especially her ambivalence, but I'll go more in depth on that in the overall comments.

Yes, it was definitely late.


How can she tell? From the position of the stars and moon? If that's the case, I'd like a mention of that. The more specific you can get, the better.

her brow crumpling.


I don't normally picture brows "crumpling" (that's reserved for paper bags). I can see them "wrinkling" or "furrowing", though.

Nell smiled a frozen smile back.


How can a smile be frozen?

The repetition of "smile" here is also bugging me.

It seemed like his skin, his clothes were slowly defusing with the tree, until he completely disappeared, like he was being slowly swallowed and pulled back deeper.


Eh, first of all, "defusing" is, umm, what people do to bombs to get them to not explode. I think you mean "diffusing".

It's an interesting image, but it's handled a bit clumsily--I can see room for figurative language here.

I also like how you've been emphasizing the differences between all the races. Often times writers just slap mythological labels on their characters but hteir characters all act basically human.

"Home," she murmured. And when she opened them again, the lean figure of headmaster was towering over her.


Hold on...so she teleported? You might want to make this more clear. Also, I think you missed a "the" in front of "headmaster".

"I don't like you being late," she scolded Lily sharply.


The fact that she's scolding Lily should imply that her voice is already sharp. No need for the "sharply".

Overall thoughts:

I'm a bit divided on what I feel about this chapter, honestly. In some ways, it's an improvement--you've definitely eased up on the overuse of adjectives and adverbs and the character development is just great. I could really believe that these three kids were friends. Their interactions and dialogue all felt very realistic--I especially loved when they were playfully arguing with each other about their homes. It helped underscore that they're all of different races, while showing that they really do get along and that doesn't matter to them. I did feel your characters rather flat in the previous chapter, but by this chapter it's plain that they're developed, distinct three-dimensional people. I like all three of them and their chemistry is simply beautiful. A lot of that development is helped because this chapter is more securely tied to Lily's POV than the previous one. We get her thoughts and reactions in a close way that we didn't in the first.

However, there were two things that bugged me--Abel and the fainting. I somehow feel that they're connected, but don't know exactly how. The problem with the fainting is that it feels rather random and almost contrived, as if you couldn't think of another way for Lily and Abel to really meet. I'm sure there's a deeper reason behind it, but there's no hint at all of that reason so far and it's rather disconcerting. The why is the most important aspect of writing a story, and if the reader is left in the dark too long about the why, they become impatient.

And Abel...I don't know what to think about him. I liked him in the previous chapter, but I haven't got a very strong sense of his character now. Part of that comes from the prose being overly ambivalent when it comes to him. You're portraying him as both a nice guy yet as also somewhat malevolent at the same time, and I'm not sure what to think about him. Is he a jerk with a heart of gold, or is he a bad guy? So far, I could interpret the text both ways. It seems to me that you were having trouble deciding what Lily actually thinks about him, and that ambivalence shows in her narration. Both the parts depicting him as nice and the parts depicting him with an underlying nastiness feel like they're trying too hard. Ambivalence, if done well, can be a good thing, but here it's just frustrating and a tad off-putting. Write him in one direction, with an ambivalent undercurrent, but don't make it so that it comes across as if you haven't made up your mind about him either. One side has to be stronger than the other from the outset--make them both equal and it becomes a tug-of-war and the reader is just left confused, not intrigued.

You've still got me intrigued enough to read on further. I'll get to the third part ASAP. ^^ Meanwhile, PM me if you have any questions, and the best of luck in your endeavors.




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Wed Jul 29, 2009 10:49 pm
blackpencil wrote a review...



That was much better than the first chapter, I think! Great job!
There are some things I caught, though.
At the beginning you didn't tell us who was speaking. This is good is you are continuing a conversation, but since you didn't introduce who was speaking first, it may confuse some people. I got it right away, so I actually like how you did it there. You specified who was speaking by their characters, not by their names.
Next thing is that when you said Damon had a murderous streak in his eyes that was almost malevolent, they mean basically the same thing. Murderous and malevelont, that is. You should have said a dark streak in his eyes that was almost malevolent, or something. Murderous is like a step up from malevolent.
Next: I like your use of adjectives, but you don't need to modify every single ordinary word. Things like "The cool wind gently tossed the blackened, burnt leaves across the acrid courtyard," are alright, but there are too many adjectives! Keep it descriptive, yet simple.
Also, I noticed you didn't do any infodumps! That's great! Sometimes, though, they can't be avoided, so you condense them. Remember that.
I like how you made it mysterious how Lily "fainted". It made me think of what was happening. I can't wait to figure out what made her collapse!
PM me when chapter three goes up, please!




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Wed Jul 29, 2009 2:10 pm
skjold says...



Damon simply refused to get cheered

this sentenced should be changed
hint. cheer has more than one menaing





I can factcheck ur flashback outfits
— SirenCymbaline