Hi, ofir, here's your review as requested.
The realm
All right, you've got a wee bit of a problem from the get-go. The title should actually be written "The Realm", with the second word capitalized. It looks more professional that way.
"This is not a good idea," stated a slightly hidden, female, human like figure.
"Stated"...meh, doesn't work for me. You'd be better if using just plain old "said".
The "slightly" hidden would be better placed at the end of the sentence, and you'd do well to mention that she is hidden in the trees earlier--you'll create a concrete sense of place from the first sentence.
"human like figure" has a mechanical feel to it. Just say "female figure", or better yet "woman/girl" (whichever one she is). We'll automatically assume it's human-like.
As she moved out of the cover of the trees, one could tell she was rather short.
The usage of "one" is bothersome...it feels too formal for fiction prose. But I can't think of a better way to rephrase this.
Her creamy skin seemed gentle and thin
How does skin seem gentle and thin?
This word "seem" is unnecessary baggage. Just say "is" (or better yet, a stronger verb) and your prose will be much stronger.
and her eyes shown a bright green
Like this--you use the verb "shone" instead of boring old "seem" or "is". Well, it's misspelled, but the idea is there.
her wavy hair a stunning color of amber, framing her face tenderly.
This should be its own sentence, as it makes the first sentence drag unnecessarily.
"Tenderly framing her face" would be a more natural phrasing, but try finding a way of getting rid of the adverb altogether.
The smile that usually embraced her face faded with discontent. She wrinkled her nose as if something rotten had hit her overly sensitive nostrils.
Two rather awkward verb usages ruin these sentences for me--"embraced" and "hit". I don't tend to think of smiles as embracing faces, as that implies encircling, nor do I think of scents as "hitting" noses; it's too sudden an image for scent. Hunt for the exact verb to describe what you want, not picking ones that sound nice. You have to consider the mental images your word usages will give your readers.
She would have looked human, her walk, the way her voice sounded, even the way she looked: it all looked and sounded human.
Holy repetition, Batman!
All these "looked"s are making the sentence almost comical. Actually, I'd say delete the sentence entirely because you've already impressed into the reader that she indeed does look human by virtue of your description alone.
Except for one thing. A pair of long gentle elfen ears that crowned each side of her head.
Would read better as one sentence: "Except for the long elfen ears...". The "gentle" is unnecessary since I can't picture ears as being "gentle".
Another figure walked next to her, silenced by the words her companion just said.
Uh-oh, it's been so long that I've forgotten what the girl actually said. Perhaps move her words from the very first line (I don't much like beginning stories with dialogue anyway) to this scene. And maybe find a way to cut down on all that description because I honestly don't think it's necessary.
She was tall, big black long curls sliding all the way down from the top of her head to her back, twisting themselves around her neckline, sliding slowly with every step she took and into her eyes.
Ironically, because you crammed so many adjectives into this sentence, I can't even picture what you're trying to describe.
"She was tall with long curly black hair" would work just as well.
Her icy blue eyes seemed startlingly right with her pail skin and dark hair.
"Startingly right"? It feels like there's a word missing here.
"Pale", not "pail".
her soft cheekbones seeming sharp from that angle.
You're contradicting yourself here: how can her cheekbones be both soft and sharp? Actually, I can't picture "soft" cheekbones at all, just like I can't picture "gentle" ears. Once again--don't throw around adjectives willy nilly, search for the exact rightone to use.
By the look on her face she seemed disappointed.
"Fine, Lily," she mumbled, her voice sharp with unhappiness.
Once again, you're going overboard with description. Both these sentences are saying the same thing--the girl is disappointed.
You're also telling us that the girl is disappointed, instead of showing it in her mannersim and gestures. Let her speak for herself, instead of you having to interpret her feelings for us.
Lily let out a long sigh, a serious and considerate look taking over her face.
Overuse of adjectives means I can't see exactly how a look can be both serious and considerate. More effective would be if she pursed her lips for thought or her brown furrowed or she wound her fingers together or anything to indicate seriousness and contemplation.
The two girls walked silently for a few moments, down the long dirt road, passing patches of sunlight that were unblocked by the trees around them.
Too many commas here; the rest one is unnecessary. And the "for the few moments" can be excised as well.
\She peeked at the short figure beside her, amber hair pulled back in a tidy ponytail.
The way this sentence is worded implies that it's Nell with the amber hair, when I think you mean Lily.
Its trunk was covered with damp, green mold.
No need for the comma.
A patch of sunlight suddenly stroked where they stood, sliding to the ground from behind the trees. Nell swore silently, retrieving to the shadows. Lily, in contrast, spread her arms wide. a happy smile crossed her face with the relief of the sun; it made her feel much better. Then again, she was an elf, no helping that. Sun and nature were in her blood.
I think you mean "returning" instead of "retrieving", and the "no helping that" you don't need. There are also too many adjectives, but I'll let you find them since it's pointless to continue pointing them out.
I do like how this paragraph shows the difference between the two girls, though--how Nell slinks to the shadows but Lily happily parades in the sun.
Ten centuries of elfin that lived in natural world made it possible for elves to recharge themselves with the sun light. whenever an elf basked in the sun it was being recharged, the magic powers inside it renewing themselves – an elf needs to do this ritual once every blue moon, the one that rises in Amberea every twelve human weeks.
Meh, clunky info-dump exposition. Not necessary--just show us Lily enjoying herself in the sun and feeling rejuvenated, without expressly stating that she needs to recharge in it. Let the reader infer it for themselves.
Nell spitted out
I think you mean "spat" out.
from the side of the tree where the shadows hid her from the sun.
The "from the sun" part is unnecessary because you've already made it clear that there's a sun out.
A third figure had appeared from within the tree, as if submerging from inside it.
You mean "emerging", not "submering".
"You're late, Damon," Lily cut through Nell's open mouth without hesitation.
I know you're trying for imagery here, but it's a very weird image that makes me think of Lily taking a knife to Nell's mouth. Which isn't what you're intending, but just to make things more clear, say "Lily spoke before Nell could". Many times it's better to be clear and unadorned than trying for cleverness.
Damon smiled. "As always," he said, his voice cheerful.
The fact that he's smiling should already suggest that his voice is cheerful.
His nut brown eyes shown thoughtfully, his maple skin that seemed apart of the tree finally clearing in the last rays of sun.
You've already used the "shone" imagery--it's starting to become repetitive here. And I really don't understand at all what you're trying to convey with the second clause.
"Sun!" he called excitedly at the sight of the sun patch, hurrying to stand beside Lily, a smile of delight on his lips.
You're overmphasizing his delight again.
Nell swore again. "What is it with you sun creatures?" she asked, annoyed, her black eyebrows pulled down together angrily.
And you're overemphasizing her annoyance.
With her scowl, the uniform made her seem even more deadly and elegant than usual.
I can sort of picture what you're trying to say, but it's rather awkwardly worded.
However, an alarmed note slipped into her tone, her eyes bright and edgy.
Same goes here.
Oh, when will they get there already?
Tense change here; it should be "would".
Light and dark had their differences after all, even if the great feud was over.
I like this--it's a nice, subtle worrldbuilding detail that hints at something greater without infodumping.
Damon continued arguing as tables and chairs submerged from the floor, knocking people out of their way gently.
"Emerged" again, and also, I don't see how anything can knock anyone "gently". Maybe "pushed" or "nudged". No need for an adverb.
her arctic blue eyes
Enough! I already know what color Lily's eyes are, no need to constantly hammer that point in the reader's skull.
Her long, green coat felt hot and uncomfortable in the well conditioned classroom.
No need for the comma.
She took it off, showing the school uniform, with the odious crest she came to hate.
Why? It seems weird that Lily would hate her school uniform crest with no reason, especially since she hasn't been shown as the type to feel extreme anger before. You need to qualify this hate otherwise it comes out of the left field.
. Because Damon and Lily were best friends, forever.
This is rather cheesy and tell-y to boot. Show us Damon and Lily's BFF-ness instead of telling it to us; it'll be more believable and realistic.
Her hair was blue, held back by a strict bundle at the back of her neck.
You've already hammered in the point that the teacher is strict from the previous sentences. The repetition here feels comical.
Lily heard Damon groan quietly, and wished she could do the same. Nevertheless, she stood her ground, ignoring the giggles and stares she knew were on her.
I will not give up, she told herself firmly.
Now here's a section where more exposition/description would help things more than hinder. I don't understand why Lily is dreading this, or why her classmates are giggling. I get the feeling that it's because she's not good at practicing her powers, but you need to make it more explicity clear otherwise you're just confusing your reader.
The real world was where the magical society had come from, needing to survive each race had made their own unique power, but even that wasn't enough. They had to leave: the natural world was running out of recourses. They had to escape. And so they left, moving to this dimension, blocking the real world forever, so that nobody would ever have to go back to that horrible place.
I don't quite understand this explanation. Now, this bit of exposition is necessary, but it brings up more questions than it answers: where did these powers come from? How did they move to the magical dimension? Is there still a real world? Is it our real world?
And why would the teacher bring this up if the students all know this already? It seems rather contrived.
A shy looking girl with a pink uniform walked to the front of the class
Why would her uniform be pink? Do the students get to customize their uniforms, or does the color mean something (like, what type of magic they practice?)
A few giggles were heard from the girls in the classroom, but otherwise everything was dead quiet.
Why would they giggle? Are they making fun of him or the teacher?
Some of the old ones still hadn't gotten over the great feud.
Which "old ones" are you referring to here--Nell or Abel?
No matter what the old ones say, they were still best friends.
"Said", not "say".
Nell shot her one murderous glance, still annoyed, her lips curved in a hazardous way.
Not liking this usage of "hazardous", as that makes me think of toxic waste or construction sites, not anger and annoyance.
Gasps were heard from the class. Lily knew why they were gasping. They were scared. Scared of her. Her, the one magical creature that didn't have a defense system inside it. The one creature that did not simply vanish, or shape shift, or heal. The one that aimed to kill. Luckily, the arrows she pulled out of thin air missed their aim by one foot from the teacher's head.
I'm still not quite sure what Lily's powers are--does she not have any limits on it and that's what scares the others? This mention of a "defense system" has intrigued me as well.
Overall thoughts:
I'm going to do what I usually don't do, and divide this into sections, simply because I feel it's necessary.
Description: This was my biggest problem with this piece. You have oodles of description when you don't need it, especially of the characters. Now, I'm not advocating Hemingway-esque minimalism (ick...), but I am saying that you need to make your prose more economical and less cluttered with needless adjectives and adverbs. In particular, your tendency to repeat descriptions of characters (Nell's hair and eye colors, the teacher's strictness) became rather cumbersome after a while. Lay down a solid and brief description of the character when they first appear (you do a good job with the students who're displaying their powers), and then sneak in added details throughout the prose, but don't go reiterating the same point to death. The description was often laid on so thick that it detracted from the action--for example, in the first scene, I had no earthly idea what was happening because it was stuffed with so much description. It was just an ordinary converstaion between friends, I felt, with a vague mention of a prank, but none of it really clicked because I was too busy slogging through all the adjectives and adverbs. The funny thing is that while I could picture all the characters, I couldn't see their settings at all. So balance it out--ease on your descriptions of the characters and paint a more solid picture of the setting. What does the classroom look like, that sort of thing.
Showing instead of telling: This goes hand in hand with the description mentioned above. Much of that description felt like fluff because it was telling instead of showing. You laid on adjective after adjective, but gave me nothing solid to really cling on to. Don't use so many adjectives and adverbs and tell us what the characters look like or how they interact. Show them interacting. Anger is better conveyed with a furrowed brow and scowl than a "he was angry"; friendship is better conveyed with friends laughing and trading jokes and noticing each others' quirks than saying "they were BFF".
Prose issues: By and large your prose was fine, but I noticed some incidents of misused words ("shown" instead of "shone", all that "submerging"--made me think the characters were on a submarine!), and you have a preponderance of commas. I abuse commas too, so I sympathize with the urge to sprinkle the little devils everywhere, but honestly a good fifty percent of your commas are unnecessary. I pointed out a few of them--you should be able to find the rest yourself.
Characters: You asked how well I "get" the characters. Umm...not very, unfortunately. I have basic ideas behind their personalities, but nothing that really sticks. Lily is the happy girl, Nell is the brooding girl, Damon is...um...a boy. Now, I understand this is only a first chapter, so we're not going to know everything about the characters from the beginning, but still, I'd like something a little more solid. Lily appears to be the main character, so I'd suggest centering the story more strongly about her. Tell it from her third person limited POV, and have her color her experiences with her own feelings and reactions. It'll give us a stronger feel for who she is, and through her we can get a stronger feel of her friends and the other characters as well. Actually, a lot of the reason I didn't feel much for the characters was because there was too much description. Slice away the fat and you'll find you'll have more room to let muscle grow.
You might find the "Character Development" group a lot of help for giving your characters voices and presences of their own, and the Character Answer Game is also a great help in that department.
Plot: Since this is the beginning, there isn't much in the way of plot yet. I will admit to being confused about some worldbuilding details, especially when it came to the explanation why the magic characters were in this separate realm in the first place. I didn't even realize it was a separate realm until that explanation, in part because it feels so much like our own. There needs to be something, besides just magic practicing characters, to distinguish it and give it a life of its own. In fantasy, the setting is very often a character in its own right. I do like the hints of a feud in the past and I get the feeling it will play a plot role--something that appeals to me because I love stories about reconciling old differences. If done very cleverly, you could even have an allegory for situations such as real-world civil wars. Lily's abilities seem to be connected to the plot as well, which is a bit of a shame since I don't quite understand them yet. There needs to be more tension and clarity in the scene where she displays them.
Now, I know it sounds like I hated this, but actually, it appeals to me quite a bit. ^^ I'm a sucker for stories about magical schools, though you do have to beware the "Harry Potter copycat" trap. And beware about making your magical characters cliches of the common stereotypes, though if they're unique enough in their own right, that shouldn't matter. I do like how different and individual each magic user comes across. Their abilities are all unique to them which I find a pretty cool twist, especially since most fantasy magic systems are so generalized. Their magic is as much a part of their personality as anything else, which is cool because I'm also a sucker for personality-based magic. The magic also has the potential to factor into typical high school cliques, with some abilities being considered cooler than others and others being considered scary (such as Lily's...so this is the first time she's revealed her abilities to her classmate?). I'm also very intrigued by this character of Abel Abbot; he seems important in the greater plot and has an undue interest in Lily's powers. Do I foresee a romantic plot?
I'll go on to the other parts as soon as I get time. PM me if you have any questions, and the best of luck in your endeavors. ^^
There is only one word for it...
Points: 4198
Reviews: 157
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