The novel- ch.6

I enjoyed this chapter. I think you portrayed the feeling that a girl gets when she loves someone who is completely wrong for her, but can't understand why wonderfully. It also makes me wonder whether Jessie is a rebound guy, or someone who is totally meant for her. The only thing I would change about this chapter is the emotions in the beginning. They weren't quite as real as I would have liked them to be. I don't know, maybe it's just me. So, overall, I thought it was a great chapter but the first half needs work.

I liked it. Hm, however I agree that it could use a little more detail on how she felt about losing her best friend? Maybe I'm wrong, we all have our writing styles right? [quote]And besides, Jessie and I… were just different[i] I really liked that line! Wow. That cliff hanger was very good, Im wishing this were like a book where I could turn the page LOL! Jared! Nooo did he die? Don't telle me, haha! But, you are getting better and better. Can't wait for the next part sweetie, PM me ! x

I think the person before me got everything. That means I get the fun bit to comment on, the story line. Very slow start, you needed to put a bit more description to make it more natural at the beginning. Something about Jessie, something about Kelly. I mean she has lost her best friend, thats a huuuuuge deal. You did well on it, but really emphasize how different her and Jessie's relationship are to her and Jared, more comfortable and right, but not as passionate and real, if you get what I mean. Isn't it slightly weird that Jessie is just always there, what does she think about that? I mean she's only just met the guy and suddenly he's pretty much following her around. I get it, it's fate and all, but even then I think merry should have a few reservations about that. You also mention a lot of names, it took me a while to remember who Emily was, but maybe that's just because I'm reading it a lot slower than proper, offline readers would, I'd still try and find a way of explaining who she is, subtly though. Jamey and Lila, again I wasn't sure how they fit in to this, but that might just be a reading error rather than a writing error. You can add EVEN more description on the flat, make it so the reader can visualize at least one of the spaces the MC is in, and you still havn't completely described Jessie or Merry yet, even though I have learnt a bit more about Jessie in this chapter. You were worried about people warming to your character, here's how you do it, give her quirks, things she does that no one else does, and describe her physically, so people can imagine her.
Thats it for complaining cause honestly, i loved that chapter. It's a nice way of it moving forwards. Good cliff hanger at the end and I really liked that she knew immediately who was in hospital, so much of this story is based on fate or karma or something and that's brilliant. Especially as you mentioned it in the first chapter. Clever. Well, pm me if you have any questions.

Miriam

Hi, ofir! I'm Sunny, and I shall be reviewing this for you today. I haven't read the other chapters, but I thought I'd look at this anyway.

ofir wrote:chapter 6- unexpected

"I'm late," I [s]looked[/s] said, looking at my watch, not wanting it to be true.
Jessie looked disappointed [s]himself[/s]. "I had a great time," he smiled, but all the enthusiasm was gone. I always hated it when we had to part.
"I'll see you again tomorrow, but I really am late for my class now." I checked my watch again, stress leaking into my voice. I was being too transparent. (This is a great attempt, but it doesn't make any sense: transparent with what? That might help. ) Why did I have to be such a goodie-two shoes kind of girl that can't even ditch class one time? One time that was really, really needed. This sentence doesn't flow well to me.0
Jessie hugged me close and my heart thudded in my chest. "Yeah," he agreed. "I'll see you again tomorrow."
Weird, weird, weird, I thought, [s]shook[/s] shaking my head as I jogged to my car. [s]Getting[/s] Jumping out of [s]a[/s] one relationship and [s]jumping[/s] into another was so unhealthy. I shouldn't have be doing it. But was it really my fault? Really that bad that now of all times this person who made me feel this way showed up? Was it? I tried to think it through. (I think you should rewrite this entire part, because it didn't make much sense to me.)
I [s]could come[/s] came to no conclusions.
And besides, Jessie and I… were just different. I didn't know if we were together, or just friends, or anything really. I frowned to myself. It would have been great if Kelly could've helped me. But Kelly wasn't even thinking about helping me now… we somehow managed to get into little fights, never agreeing nowadays, though only a week passed. I cringed away from the thought of how much I had worried about (?)her to make her like this. As much as I disapproved of my reluctant relationship with Jessie, Kelly simply hated it, and thus… she started hating me.
Funny thing, that. I never thought I would fight this badly with a person I once thought my best friend. (I really like this line. Dunno why. )I shrugged to myself, starting the car. That just comes to show that life is unexpected. I winced as the all too familiar tears stung in my eyes. Unexpected hurt.
***
My new apartment was great. I was just renting it, but it already felt like my home. Like I've lived there before, had a lot of memories hiding in every corner, then forgot about them. My things were already out of the boxes, in the closets and on the floor, my old refrigerator was stocked with milk, cheese and bread, and my laptop stood loyally on a new-old coffee table that came with the apartment. It almost screamed home. I loved it.
Jessie loved it too.
He hadn't left my side since that day in the restaurant, always cheering me on, always smiling and joking. He studied computers, and worked at Emily's to afford it, since his parents didn't pay for his studies. I felt grateful for my own parent's when I heard him say that. His eyes were hidden by his golden hair, and he was staring at the floor. He sounded mechanic too, something I noticed he does when he feels stressed. I noticed a lot of things about him.
I looked at the new cover of my book, lying lazily next to my laptop. It wasn't as ominous as it usually seemed, and it didn't give me any hope like it sometimes did. It just covered my story, the characters I considered a part of my world, their life, their problems. It just covered something that wasn't real. What if I quit? The question lingered in my mind long after I'd banished it. It would be nice to quit. I could go on being a manager, try out for some fancy store, I already had the experience… but there was still time, wasn't there?
The concept of time seemed strange to me: sometimes everything seemed like it was falling apart, like I couldn't last another second, but then I'd recover, somehow, and things would be fine again. I knew how I recovered. Jessie kept making sure I did.
I bit my lip. I owed him better than quitting. And characters like Jamey and Lila weren't people you stumbled across every day. They were special.
That's what Jared used to call them.
My heart beat unevenly in my chest. Jared. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, until it hurt, all in order to escape the thought of him. To no avail.
Did I love him?
Yes. I was sure of it. No matter how Jessie had my heart running, what the way his hand felt in mine did to me, how his smell made me calm, like I knew it from some other time, no matter how much he made me dizzy… I loved Jared, with his big green eyes, with the way I grew to love him, not instantly thrown into it all, with the way he smiled, and the way we used to talk… the tears escaped, falling bitterly one after the other. This whole part is wonderful. The character's ideas, thoughts, and feelings are very well worded and personal. My favorite part. )I had so much good people in my life, I didn't deserve it. And Jessie, to have someone like him was a miracle. But I missed Jared.
I let the tears fall peacefully, resigned. No one was there, no one would see. "Jared…" I whimpered in a low voice. As long as I'm at it, I figured, I might as well let it all out.
As if a sign from above, my phone started ringing. "Hello?" I croaked into the machine.
"Am I speaking to Merry?" asked a formal voice, pronouncing my name incorrectly.
"Yes." my tone was more reasonable, a reaction to the formal voice. "Who is it?"
"This is St. Monic's hospital, your number was on the list of people we should call to [s]incase[/s] in case of an accident…"
I couldn't speak. My hands started trembling. The doctor didn't have to tell me anything for me to know what happened. My cold, [s]now[/s] bloodless lips trembled into shapes of words, enough strength in me for one final sentence. My eyes stung with new tears. Please, God, if you're out there, please. (This part you can put in italics to signify that it is a thought.) "Is Jared [s]alright[/s] all right?" I whispered.