The novel- ch.2

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chapter 2- laughing

The haze that covered my eyes now was ridiculous. I shouldn't cry. It was stupid, and childish, and embarrassing, and I just couldn't care. After all, Jared never cared for tears. Not really. So did it matter if I cried them?

It felt almost like a physical pain, this sorrow I felt pulsing inside me now, breaking shards of myself as it sifted through my mind.

In a deeper place inside of me, it felt as though I already knew, as though this was obvious. Oh, of course they're together. Of course he was with her.

Jessie sat by my side, quiet for a change.

He took me to the park when I couldn't drive anymore, sat me on a bench like the one I kicked before, and talked. He talked and I listened. I didn't stop crying silently all the while, but he knew I listened.

He was nineteen, like me. Two months older than I was, evidently. He liked reading, seeing movies, listening to music. Normal. He told me about his dog, Laira; he loved her a lot, you could tell by his tone. He even talked of her as a human being with a personality of its own. After the first ten minutes I started liking Laira too.

I liked it when he talked to me, tried to sooth the pain. It worked. "Thanks," I said as the silent night stretched further. My voice wasn't throaty or breaking, or even lifeless. I still sounded a little dazed, but my resolve was clear. He didn't seem like the silence bothered him, and it didn't bother me, either.

He smiled. "Just get better soon." His hazel, honey eyes were bright, the lights in the park making them seem clearer than ever before.

I nodded. I was going to try to do that.

"Who was the girl with your boyfriend?" he asked suddenly after a few more moments.

I smiled awkwardly. "His Ex." I kicked a stone that lay on the cement near my foot. It clattered quietly until it came to a stop at the grass.

He didn't continue, waiting for the rest of the explanation.

I bit my lower lip, wiping the stupid tears away from my eyes. Crying was embarrassing and he wasn't going to get an explanation.

I must've seemed somewhat myself again, because Jessie looked relieved. "Come on," he said, relaxing against the bench. "Tell me."

I was warm and cozy in the jacket he brought me from the back of his car, and he didn't look like he minded not having a jacket. I leaned back too, more relaxed now, yet somehow more nervous. I had to repeat it all.

"Well." I pursed my lips before continuing.

He couldn't help but smile. "Did she steal him or something?" he asked, saying it more like a statement rather than asking. That upset me.

"Actually, I did that first." I sounded sheepish rather than mad.

Jessie seemed stunned. "Never would have guessed," he muttered. Was the edge of a smile pulling the sides of his mouth, or was I imagining?

It was hard to remember, just like I had feared. I ducked my head, waiting for the storm to pass. It was wrong to talk about this. It brought back memories.

"No, no, no, no." I took a step back, trying to clear my head of the fog that had covered it back then.

"I-" Jared stammered, his expression torn.

"I know April," my voice was a whisper. "I like April. God, what are we even doing? We need to stop this. No, this just isn't-" I was blabbing out of panic, my frame shaking. I almost kissed him. He almost kissed me. But this was wrong, and it needed to stop. It had to stop, didn't it?

Jared cast his eyes down, staring at the white marble floor of the hall with out really seeing it. "What if I tell her?" he asked quietly. "What if we tell her? What if we…" he trailed on.

My throat went dry. "I'd say yes," I whispered. "I'd do anything to be with you," I reminded him.

He picked up his gaze. "You know I love you, Merry. You know that, right?" He seemed so sincere and genuine, his green eyes pleading.

Tears rolled down my cheeks, tickling- and for once, I wasn't ashamed of them. "I love you too," I mouthed the words, afraid my voice would break if I would actually talk.

He laughed shakily. "See? We already know how it's done. All we have to do now is repeat that to April tomorrow, and we'll be fine."

And we were fine. Of course we were. We had each other.

But I didn't have him right now.

"Jessie?" My voice was chocked again, new tears filling my eyes. They burned as they fell down my cheeks, absurdly, it seemed like things had gotten worse.

Jessie looked up, nodded, and got up.

I followed. Jessie understood things so well.

The path was poorly lit as we advanced to the parking lot, and the icy air and darkness helped calm me down as they filled my chest. Jessie breathed deeply as he walked too. I wondered if something was wrong.

"How about some food?" he asked, climbing into the passenger's side of the car automatically.

"Agreed," I nodded, twisting the key. "By the way," my voice was reasonable now. I breathed deeply again in relief. No more embarrassing tears. "How did you know that talking like that would help?"

Jessie shrugged. "I think…" he started saying slowly, but then apparently changed his mind."Who knows." He smiled at me. His smile was beautiful and warm. I felt better too. I was going to get over this. I had to. And I wasn't alone. I had a feeling that this wasn't the kind of relationship that went away.

Jessie's smile widened, as if he was thinking the same thing.

I talked this time during dinner, eating the reddish pasta under the yellowish light. The restaurant Jessie had directed me to was really nice. He was really nice.

I made sure I wasn't being a bother, told him he could take off at any minute if he needs to go. He said that it was great, that he wouldn't ever be bothered by me, that this was the most fun he'd had all year. It wasn't very hard to believe- he had that exuberant feeling of someone that had been in a cage for a long time, and this was his first night out. Everything made him excited, and he went along with my chattering happily. He'd looked so sad before, that expression still hurt as I remembered it. I wondered why that was.

"How could anybody possibly possess this much bad luck? What did I do that I deserved this?" I demanded of Jessie.

He chuckled- the butterflies raced down my stomach again. "It's this world," he said after a little consideration. "I believe that you're more than good, but it's just not enough to insure you anything here," his tone sounded troubled. "I really do believe you're a great person." He added, sounding almost surprised at the words.

I blushed, the hot sensation feeling nice, and Jessie blushed in reaction.

"Sorry if that made you uncomfortable…" he mumbled, looking down at the grey table.

I wasn't actually sure how I felt about it. The butterflies liked it though.

"I think it's karma," I said in a small voice, thinking out loud.

Jessie looked relieved; he picked up his gaze, meeting my eyes eagerly. "I don't think so," he said in reproach. "This whole subject is really quite ridiculous," he went on, and I looked up at him with questioning eyes. Then I remembered. He didn't like spiritual things because his ex-girlfriend hated them. Old habits die hard.

I had to swallow before I could speak again.

"I need to call a friend to find a place to stay over for the night," I shot a quick glimpse at my watch. It was getting late.

Jessie nodded, his beautiful gentle eyes taken aback.

"Can I call you tomorrow?" he seemed unsure.

I wasn't sure who this person was, or how it was possible for me to be talking to him this freely, spending so much time with him. It felt almost impossible to believe that he was almost a complete stranger.

I smiled at him. "Of course." I scribbled my number on the back of his hand messily with a pen from the floor of his car. That was a first. I never gave my number to people. Never. But Jessie wasn't just people. He couldn't be just that.

As I stopped around the curb of my neighborhood I stopped the car.

"Thank you." It seemed like I could never say that word enough. "I can't imagine what would have happened to me if it weren't for you." I shuddered.

I hopped out of the car, key still in place, before I felt his hand on mine; it was gentle, hesitant, and in a way, even natural. I looked up, startled.

His cheeks were blazing. "I… had fun." he said, not meeting my eyes, not that I was trying to meet his; I was looking down too.

"Me too," my voice was a whisper, but it was the happy kind.

As the car drove away, Kelly opened the door, only to see me with eyes glistening of tears, cheeks blazing red, and my mouth turned up in the happiest smile I smiled all year long. It was a strange combination. But I had a feeling everything had stopped being ordinary anymore