The Party - chapter four

Not much of a critic XP just an encourager XD! Really awesome job! Please PM me when the text part comes out! Thankies!

~Keep it up!
Rose

Heyyy. Sorry for getting here so late, and my apologies in advance cause I don't think this will be a very lengthy review - but that's because I'm having trouble finding anything wrong with it, so its a good thing .

I think mostly all I have for this chapter are nitpicks:

"Hey there, kido," he called as he saw me.

She pushed him away, the hairs on his head – combed to their rightful spot until now – finally budging.

Well, all I could tell him, even if he did, was that he married her.

Dad went bright red. "Sandwiched right between a good 'go to hell' and a fine 'you're an idiot'."

Mom sighed this terrible sound. "That's it for our social life, you know," she said rapidly. "When all the neighbors are having barbeques, don't you expect an invitation, mister!" She gave up on the soup, lips smashed together. It really seemed like this thought pained her.

I brushed my teeth double as much in the morning, trying to make up for last night.

I went down the stairs quickly, flying into the kitchen, grabbing a banana with one hand, and a cup in the other.

Coming to think of it, I didn’t know where her locker was.

I did my best to restrain from laughing. The corners of my mouth twitched uncontrollably.

She glanced conspicuously at the girl

"I'm Ben."

My tone was still acidic.

"My Uncle bailed. He had work or something."

Hey, ofir! Here's my review!

ofir wrote:The Party - chapter four


The gate creaked as usual as I walked the stone road to my house. The hairs on the back of my neck stood as I urged my feet faster #FF0000 ">[I think your trying to show that your character's a little freaked out. Later on you mention it was dark, I think you should mention that before to add to the creepy atmosphere, right now it just sounds like your MC's scared of a creaking gate, lol] Dad should have gotten it fixed ages ago, but he was always too busy and too proud to call for someone else to fix it. I rolled my eyes. Pride could be very blind sometimes.

The sky outside was almost completely dark – I could see the half moon somewhere in the sky. I used to think witches liked that sort of moon, when I was a kid. I grinned at it. Witches, huh?

I opened the front door, leaving my school bag on the floor. "I'm home!" I called out into the empty space. Freddy turned up the volume of the TV in the living room. This was odd. Usually he would turn it down so he and I could banter or something. I walked slowly into the kitchen. "Mom?" I asked nervously. #FF0000 ">[I this reaction is a little unrealistic. Just because her little brother didn't turn the volume down doesn't make that an indication to your MC that something has happened for her to be nervous about. Maybe you could change the word to 'curiously'? Just a suggestion.]

My mother perked right up at the sound of my voice, turning around with a scowl pronounced over her face. #FF0000 ">[I don't know why but the 'pronounced' bit seems a little awkward to me] My face drained of blood as I finally remembered something critical that I've forgotten before. I hadn't called her. Oops just didn't seem to cover it. #FF0000 ">[love that line]

"Where were you?" she asked in a deadly tone.

I cleared my throat, looking away. I tensely eyed the white counter and the stove, on which a small pot was making boiling noises. "Oh, just, just out with a friend. Her name's Alex – you know her." I took tiny steps towards the living room. So Freddy knew there would be yelling. That's just great.

Surprisingly though, Mom's thin face cleared, a calm expression falling into place. She turned back to the stove-top, stirring a thick red liquid that was bubbling inside the pot. "It's tomato soup," she noted absently as she stirred. I nodded carefully. Where was this going? My mother touched her wavy dark hair – as dark as mine – tenderly. "I got my hair cut while you were away."

I nodded again, still mesmerized, then realized an answer was required this time. "It, umm, looks good, Mom."

It was shoulder length now. My hair was longer than that, and straighter too, so we didn't have the same haircut anymore. Mom had insisted we have the same haircut for over three years now. So I was free at last - I always hated it. But for some reason, the lack of identical hair really bugged me now.

My mother turned her back to me as she put some red powder inside the crimson soup. "Is Davy coming over for dinner?" she asked in a practical tone. "I want to know if I should make more."

Unexpectedly there was a catch in my throat. I cleared it away. "I told you, Mom, we broke up." I winced just saying the words, but she couldn't see.

"Well, I think that's just outright silly." Her voice sounded flustered and fierce at the same time.

I blinked away a few tears from the corner of my eye. "It's not." I paused, glancing at the living room. "I told you about Anne," I whispered. Freddy turned up the TV even more. I could hear the actors talking.

Mom turned around, handing me four spoons. "Be a doll and set the table," she asked, #FF0000 ">[This seems a little awkward. One minute she's asking about Davy and now she wants the table set. Maybe you can have her saying something like "oh, what a shame..." or say "she deliberately ignored me" and then have her ask for the table to be set] looking me in the eye for the first time since I arrived. Her eyes were the color of hazel, and, at the moment, still hostile. #FF0000 ">[there seems to be a contradiction here. in the paragraph above somewhere you said she was now calm]

I nodded for a third time. So this was my punishment? #FF0000 ">[what was the punishment? setting the table? that seems okay to me...] This unfriendly reception? #FF0000 ">[are you referring to her getting angry about not calling? again, that doesn't seem to be much of a punishment. any mum would be angry if she didn't get the all important phone-call - i'm sure your MC expected some sort of anger for coming home without calling, anyway] I took out the deep bowls and placed them on the long wooden table. "When does Dad get home?" I asked as I placed them.

"In five, ten minutes," she said, louder than normal – probably trying to be heard over the racket. Finally, she snapped. "Freddy! Turn that wretched thing off!" The TV sounds shut off all of a sudden, and there was only silence. "You and I are not done discussing this," Mom said quietly before Freddy made his way into the kitchen.

He offered me a consoling look that lasted for about five solid seconds. A record. I must be looking pretty bad. His green eyes scanned me, then Mom, and then he mouthed, "She's mad?".

I nodded once, quickly turning away again to look at the table. "Very," I mouthed back when it was safe to look up. "Oh, yeah." I suddenly remembered. "Freddy, Laney wanted me to give you a letter." I took it out of my bag, crumpled. "It's the thought that counts," I said sheepishly.

Freddy wasn't even mad, he just took the letter, not bothering to thank me. I must've looked really bad. #FF0000 ">[I don't get this sentence] I excused myself hastily as I raced up stairs.

I looked at the big bathroom mirror. It showed me down to my waist. My hair was slightly frayed, but better since this morning and the few tears from before hadn't left my eyes puffy. All in all, I looked kind of weird. I wasn't smiling or frowning – my mouth was just a line. The girl in the mirror didn't remind me of myself. My skin wasn't as pale as I was used to either, thanks to all those hours at the beach. I took a big breath before working up a smile. It worked, eventually. I was back to normal again. Then I marched out to face my family.

Dad was already there, ruffling Freddy's brown hair. Freddy was tall for his age, even I had to admit. If I had to own up to that thought, at least I could say he was gangly. Definitely gangly.

Dad loosened the tie around his neck, shrugging out of his stifling jacket. "Hey there, kido," he called as he saw me.

My smile widened. "Hey, Dad!" I gave him a firm hug. "How was work?"

Dad whistled an old tune. "I sold a few lots, just doing my job." But he kept whistling, so it must've been more than just a few lots. "How is my beautiful wife?" he asked, hugging Mom as she stirred the soup again. Freddy and I made a face.

She pushed him away, the hairs on his head – combed to their rightful spot until now – finally budging. "Your wife would actually like having dinner before the food gets cold!" She held up a skinny finger to his face. Mom always managed to stay thin. I got her figure, but still sometimes struggled with an extra pound or two. She just remained as she was. Lucky.

As we sat down, we all took each other's hands to say Grace. I frowned slightly as Freddy and I held hands. He scowled. Dad said the blessing in a grave voice. I tried hard to not roll my eyes. There was some metallic clanking as everyone picked up their spoons, then a loud slurping sound as we took the first sip.

The soup was terrible. It was acidic and scorching as it raced down my throat. I wrinkled my nose. Eww – it was way too flavored. Just the kind of food Mom would like.

"Tastes great, honey," Dad lied artlessly. Freddy started swinging his legs under the table, pushing his bowl away. I tried another spoonful before deciding there was no way I could eat this. I sighed, waiting patiently until dinner was over, when I could take something out of the fridge. Sadly enough, this was routine.

Mom looked up at Dad, making a face. "Are you just saying that, Harold?"

Dad's eyes widened, like they usually do when he lies. "Of course not. Your cooking is always top notch." He took another mouthful from his spoon, doing his best to hide his grimace.

Dad was a great liar. And he never complained. Well, all I could tell him, even if he did, was that he married her. I started swinging my feet as well, just for something to do. I wondered in how many minutes Mom was going to burst and say I had to stop. Freddy grinned by my side, checking the same thing.

"I saw Abby today," Mom continued to say. I gritted my teeth together. "Davy's mother," she added as she saw my dad's blank expression.

I did my best to steel myself for what was to come. My feet slowed down to a halt. I wasn't ready for this public argument yet!

"Yeah, I saw George at work," Dad responded in a low voice. He took a big gulp of his water, seeming as nervous as me.

Mom ate her soup slowly, being very careful not to make slurring sounds, I bet. "Well, I for one felt mightily uncomfortable. Amy, you should fix this spat –"

Freddy cut her off, his green eyes mischief. "Dad, you didn't happen to fight with Mr. Felly today, did you?"

I turned to my dad wonderingly. He frowned, clearing his throat. "There was – uh – a disagreement about the lots I was selling." He avoided my mom's piercing hazel eyes, sipping his soup guiltily.
My face turned even paler than before. "Aww, Dad!" I said, my throat all thick. It was very much like him to do this.

Dad swallowed. "It was his damn fault, anyways," he mumbled.

I resisted the urge to get up and hug him. Mom looked like she wanted to do the exact opposite. She sat very still, her bony hand pinching the bridge of her nose. "Please, Harold, tell me you did not raise the issue between Davy and Amy." It didn't seem like she was breathing. Always the drama queen. "Please," she pleaded quietly.

Dad went bright red. "Sandwiched right between a good 'go to hell' and a fine 'you're an idiot'." #FF0000 ">[lol - love this line]

Mom sighed this terrible sound. "That's it for our social life, you know," she said rapidly. "When all the neighbors are having barbeque's, don't you expect an invitation, mister!" She gave up on the soup, lips smashed together. It really seemed like this thought pained her.

Annoyance hit hard, scrunching up my face. "He. Cheated. On. Me," I managed through gnashed teeth.

Mom pushed her plate to the table. "You're young, Amy!" She emphasized the word. "It doesn't even count!"

I was sure my face was as red as Dad's now, in contrast to how pale they'd been. "It does too!" I yelled childishly. I scrambled to my feet. "I'm going to bed." I ran up the stairs and to my room. I shut the white door behind me, diving right into my purple covers. I will not cry, I told myself fiercely, over and over again. No way. Not a single damned tear.

A sob broke through my throat. Who was I kidding? I snuggled closer in my warm covers. Everything was dark, and it was getting hard to breath. I pulled my head out, not really looking at the messy room. "I hate this," I whimpered to thin air. The silence ringed back. "I know," it seemed to say. #FF0000 ">[maybe it's just me but this seems a little over-dramatic for me. I'd understand her being angry over her mum's inability to understand, but not so upset that she feels the walls are closing in on her or something. To me, Amy seems like such a strong character. maybe you could mention how she shows a strong side to her to the public but inside all that she's soft - that might make her reaction seem more realistic if you get my drift]

***

I brushed my teeth double as much in the morning, trying to make up for last night. I put on a pair of jeans, a faded grey shirt, and I was ready to go. My hair was fine today, so I just let it hang there, straight and long. I grouchily sighed at the sight of my bed. I wanted to crawl back in it and fall asleep.

I went down the stairs quickly, flying into the kitchen, grabbing a banana with one hand, and a cup in the other. I poured some milk into it and drank it all up. I placed it on the marble #FF0000 ">[marble what?] and, with a speed that I well-liked #FF0000 ">[awkward phrasing], opened the door and was out.

I walked to the bus stop slower than I would normally, still panting. It had been a bad idea to drink and run. A very bad one. My stomach seemed to agree.

Alex waited for me next to my locker. She glanced around edgily as people passing by threw her curious looks. Coming to think of it #FF0000 ">[I think you mean 'come to think of it], I didn’t know where her locker was. I made a little mental note to check, so that she doesn't have to wait by my locker all the time. It was weird having a friend after all this time.

Someone in the hallway hooted at her. Maybe he thought we were going out. Just the thought had me laughing, and I arrived with a smile. She looked me up and down before grinning. "Someone had a good night," she said through a snigger.

I guessed she was talking about the bags under my eyes. "Thank you, Miss sarcasm." I grimaced at her. I looked her up and down again, trying to find a good comeback. "Well…" I narrowed my eyes. Her blond hair was in its usual spikes on the top of her head. "How many jars of hair gel did you have to use to make it stand up like that? Like, two thousand?" That was so lame. Even I could tell.

Alex burst out laughing. "Save the teasing for those who know how to tease," she advised me.

I shrugged calmly back. "Right," I said a bit ruefully.

As we walked sluggishly to class, Alex glanced behind her shoulder again. Her blue eyes had a new tint to them. "Did you do the literature assignment?" I asked as she turned around jumpily. As if I cared about the stupid paper. But this was a good test to see if she was actually listened. I raised both eyebrows when she didn't answer.

"What?" She zoned in on me for about a second before turning around again. She tucked both her hands in her baggy pants pocket. "Oh, the paper." She blinked in confusion. "That's… no, I haven't finished it."

I breathed through my nose, stopping in my place. "Want to tell me who you're looking for?" I asked, irritated.

Alex's cheeks went bright red. She bit her lower lip. "J-just… well, there's this girl." She looked down at her feet. "She's the one in the red shirt, on the left." I turned around, trying to find her in the busy hallway. Alex tugged on my arm, her cheeks burning. "Don’t look!" she hissed.

I giggled. "Alright. What about that girl?" Alex's face just went scarlet. I did my best to restrain from laughing. The corners of my mouth twitched uncontrollably.

She glanced conspicuously at the girl. "She… looks nice." Her voice was feeble, and I knew that in her mind, nice was an understatement.

I wrapped my arms around her shoulder, shaking with restrained amusement. "Aww, you're so cute," I choked out between giggles.

Alex pushed me away, fighting a small smile. "But I can't ask her out." She let out a long sigh.

She was so enthusiastic moments ago. I knew my face was blank. "Why?"

Alex smacked my shoulder – being careful not to hit it too hard. "Think," she said with a shrug. "What are the odds she's like me?"

"Oh," I muttered. That thought hadn't occurred to me before. An idea sprang up in my head.

"Do you want to find out?" I questioned, a mischief trace added to my voice.

Alex looked at me hesitantly. "How?" Her voice was flat.

I grinned. "I'm taking that as a yes." I turned around, finding the girl easily. Her brown hair was held in a ponytail at the back of her head, and she was laughing with her friends. All in all, a nice appearance. I walked up to her, making my steps small and tentative. "Umm, excuse me?" I asked innocently.

"Yeah?" Her eyes were big and brown.

Never guessed Alex would be into this kind of eyes. Shrugging internally, I continued. "You don't happen to study…" I glanced apprehensively at the girl. She looked like the literature type to me. "Umm, Literature with Mr. Hamilton, do you?"

She shook her head, making the brown hair in the pigtail move. I felt Alex's eyes on my back. Her distress was almost tangible. "I study with Mrs. Goldman."

I breathed in fake relief. "That's great! Just what I need!" Her friends waved goodbye and headed to class, glancing at me behind their shoulders. That's right, I suppressed a smile. Be afraid. Be very afraid. "You see, my friend and I have to do this paper about our favorite ancient writer, and we're really at a loss. I asked Mrs. Goldman who could help me, and she said ask Mr. Hamilton…" My voice trailed off.

I glanced up to check her expression. She seemed hooked. Her right hand twirled the brown hair as her brown eyes appraised me. It looked like she was buying it. I didn’t even have to lie. Mostly.

"He said ask students. And… well, to be honest, I don’t care about some old guy that wrote something a million years ago," I confessed, going for the truth. "So I could really use the help, if you're interested…?" I made my voice sound like a question near the end. She hesitated. Never a good sign. "Oh, come on, I'm not someone dangerous!" I rolled my eyes. "I'm a senior in the same school. I'm not a psycho."

The girl held her hands up high, as if in surrender. "Never said you were." She smiled warmly. It seemed to convince her. After a moment she said, "Sure. I'd love to help. When can you meet?"

She was a good person, I noted. That was great. I was glad Alex and her would have some time to talk. "Seven tonight too soon?" I asked, already taking paces back towards Alex.

She shook her head. "Meet me at the book and coffee shop next to school. We've got lots of work to do." Her smile widened, probably anticipating the job ahead. Definitely the literature type. I smiled back. "Just – what's your name?" she asked suddenly.

"Oh, I'm Amy," I hurried to reply. "My friend's name is Alex. And you?"

She shut her locker door. "I'm Jennifer. I'll see you and Alex tonight then."

I waved and dragged Alex, which was pretty much frozen in spot, to the class. "Now you can get to know her and get the paper done. How brilliant am I?" I waited for her to respond, but she was just quiet. I glanced at her face. They were bright red. "Alex?" My eyebrows kneaded together with worry.

Then she groaned. "I can't tonight. I promised Faye I'd go to the safari with her. There's this thing especially for sick kids exactly tonight." She moaned again."No fair. I can't just bail on her." Her cheeks grew even redder. "And just when I could hang out with that girl!" She looked completely miserable, her lower lip jutting out. If it wasn't so sad it would've been funny.

I plopped down on a chair in homeroom, thinking it through. I knew Mom would kill me, and I'd probably end up regretting this. I took a deep breath and said it anyway. "Want me to go? To the safari?"

Alex's big blue eyes widened. "You'd do that?" she asked in a small voice.

I nodded. "Sure. I love… zebras. Whippie." I tried to gather some fake enthusiasm.

Alex's words came tumbling down. "Oh my God, thank you so much, Amy!" She threw her arms around me.

I rolled my eyes, squeezing back. "What are friends for?"

At seven o'clock sharp, I was standing outside the safari gates, my face sour. I was pouting. Not that there was anyone to see me pout, mind that, which made me even more furious. In the end, Faye bailed. I got an apologetic phone call about five minutes ago from Alex, informing me her little sister had a fever and was forced to stay in. It wasn't really Faye's fault, but I couldn't help feeling bitter.

Mom was surprisingly cool about it. Safari, great, you could learn so much – yada, yada, yada. I folded my arms in front of the giant gate, torn. Just great.

Small families were walking in, kids wearing hats and bandanas. The kids looked excited. It was kind of heart-warming. I sighed, following their steps. It couldn't hurt to watch some animals eat grass. At least then I could tell Mom I did something. Inside the reception area, there was a miniature train, filled with colorful drawings for the children.

The whole thing just felt silly. Giggling, I sat in my customary seat in the back, one before the last. I always sat there on the bus, so I figured what the hell. Nobody sat next to me, so it was easy to just slump and wait until it was over. I hadn't seen any animals in Greece – just maybe little children on the beach, but I doubted that counted.

I was getting ready for a pleasant thirty minute ride, when I heard a faint snore from behind me. I turned around. On the last seat of the train, a teenage boy was sprawled, a thick black woolen hat covering his head and eyes.

I blinked. Nope, he was still there.

He had a slightly pixie-like face, but it didn't seem weird at all. I examined his small nose and pale complexion. He was actually kind of...good looking. Just the thought felt weird inside me. His lips opened – twitched – and then he was talking in a soft voice. "Eww- strawberries," the young man mumbled. I restrained a giggle. He sleep-talked? I've never seen someone do that before. I listened in more intensely. His nose wrinkled in distaste. "N… ugh. Stars are… big. Strawberries shouldn't... eat stars." #FF0000 ">[Omg - that's hilarious!] I concealed another giggle. His face twitched, as if he was irked by a bug. Then he yelled, "Don't eat the stars!" and woke up with a shudder. He jerked up in the seat, rubbing the hat. It covered his entire head.

Sleepy, much? I managed to think before our eyes met. His deep grey eyes were wide, apprehensive as they took me in. I blushed, looking down at once and turning back to the driving direction. What was wrong with me? I was staring at people now?

The boy tapped against my plastic seat. I turned around gradually. "Yeah?"
He gestured at the seat next to him. "It's open," he said uncertainly.

I briefly considered it. "I'm going to sleep throughout everything," I warned him.

He laughed. "Join the club." I laughed, seeing as he meant it seriously. It seemed to please him. "I'm Ben."

I smiled reflexively back. This smile felt weightless somehow. "Amy. It's nice to meet you." I got out and took my seat next to him. I paused for a moment at the tiny door. "If you do anything, I'll scream."

Ben grinned at me, his smile broad and radiating. It almost lit the area up physically. Maybe I was hallucinating now. "No screaming necessary." He paused, assessing me with his lips pursed. "You seem healthy. What are you doing here?"

I grimaced, sitting down. No need to mention I couldn't say the same for him. "Friend's little sister bailed." My tone was still acidic.

He nodded understandingly, his face lightening up. "My Uncle bailed. He had work or something." He rolled his eyes.

The small train began to move, shaking us. "Let the journey begin," Ben said, a streak of despair in his throat.

"I'll bring the strawberries," I joked. We stared at each other.

"I hate those things," Ben said guardedly.

I broke down laughing. It was just bound to be an interesting ride.