The Party - chapter five - edited

A million apologies. I swear I'm getting worse, right? But in my defense, I do have my reasons; I graduated this week and had neither the time nor the mental energy to review. Here we go...

Receiving such news on first period was devastating: It could ruin my entire day!

I don't like this line, the exclamation mark makes it seem like shes kind of mocking herself. And it's a little dramatic. I see that you've edited the beginning; I actually liked the way you had it earlier better (from reading it in coco's quote), it was cleaner and more concise, although I agree with her that a transition is necessary. Maybe just delete or change this sentence, and find another way to introduce the safari info here?

Ian's mouth slid downward. "Someone's touchy," he noted.

"No," I snapped back. "The only one touching here is you. Hands off."

This is somewhat style, but I'd just tighten up the dialogue tags, make them less noticeable or nonexistent:

Ian's mouth slid downward. "Someone's touchy."

"No," I snapped. "The only one touching here is you. Hands off."

Ian smiled slightly. He ruffled my hair, not letting go even after I flinched. Now he knew I'd checked where she was so we could talk. He knew his guilt trips were working. It was all my conscience's fault anyways. "That's my girl – looking for her and everything."

I understand what's going on in this scene/conversation, about Anne, but only through effort. It's a little confusing; make it cleaner.

Ian's smirk grew wider. "As long as she's a hot nurse," he trawled.

Do you mean "drawled"? And then I found the use of "nurse" a little repetitive. Maybe just "As long as she's hot." Or something like "Fine by me, as long as she's hot."

She smiled half a smile. It was a sad one. "He's a fatal one. Amy, he's dying."

"a fatal one" just sounds kind of odd. Either rephrase it, or maybe just cut it out; I think "Amy, he's dying." by itself would have a greater impact you know? More intense. Like and add a pause possibly? Haha I'm getting all into this. Like....
"She smiled half a smile, a sad one, and paused. "Amy, he's dying."
"She smiled a sad half-smile and paused. "Amy, he's dying."
It's all up to you.

And by the way, I really like Alex's character.

We walked side by side to the big hospital, made of white marble.

"big" is such a gross adjective!

"The hospital is never a nice place to be in,"

Get rid of all superfluous words, like "in" here.

You could see children lived here: there were paintings on the walls, and one wall had been decorated with drawings of stick people and rainbows. I supposed those were made by the kids

Hmmm. "Paintings on the walls" alone doesn't have to mean children lived there; there are paintings everywhere in hospitals. Maybe bright or colorful paintings? Or do you mean kid-drawn paintings? I would've thought so, but for the next sentence. And since I automatically envisioned kid-drawn pictures, the last sentence was sorta unnecessary.

Maybe "You could see children lived here: colorful paintings adorned the room, and one entire wall had been decorated with the clearly kid-drawn pictures of stick people and rainbows." Something like that.

"You're not making sense, guys. Fall for what?"

Change to
"You guys aren't making sense. Fall for what?"

he said through a smile. It was his bright smile.

We haven't seen enough of Ben yet to be familiar with "his bright smile". And a more description of what Ben looks like would nice.

He took his arm off my shoulder as Ian and the others came near. I could hear their footsteps. "I don't have to," he said before entering the elevator.

I sighed, feeling tears choke at the back of my throat. I must have triggered something for him to burst out like that.

Ian was the first to get there. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder instead of Ben, laughing. It felt too different. "Scared him away, huh?"

I missed that Ben left. I know he entered the elevator, but make it more clear that he entered it and left, without her.

I didn't check Davy's expression, but I bet he was blushing too because Anne stepped on my foot accidentally.

I don't get the connection. Wouldn't Anne step on her foot purposely, pretending it was accidentally?



OVERALL:

Definitely a good chapter, moving the plot along nicely. But yeah, you will have to have something bigger up your sleeve than just high school dramas. But I think you'll be good, as I can foreshadow there will be some bigger stuff, especially with Ben's situation.

You need to flesh out Ben more though, I think. All of a sudden, bam, he's like a major character, but we haven't been properly introduced to him yet.

And I agree with Coco about showing more of Amy and Anne's reactions to each other; that'd be nice.

And I'm really liking Ian.

All in all, great work. Your story's enjoyable and easy to read; it flows well. I'm way excited to see how you continue this. And I promiseee next time it won't take me so long to review.

Hey Ofir! Coco here for chapter 5. I'm really glad that my reviews have helped so far, I'm hoping this one does to.

ofir wrote:The Party - Chapter Five

The entire class groaned, their voices mismatching. "Volunteering," said Mr. Hamilton, pushing his glasses up his nose, "Is a virtue. And that virtue will consist thirty percent of your final grade." #FF0000 ">[okay, so firstly, there's obviously been a time gap between the last part of chapter 4 and this chapter. I have to say I found that really disappointing because I was really looking forward to hearing what happened between your MC and the new guy Ben. secondly, if you are going to put this gap in time I think you should elaborate on it, maybe mention how many days have passed and where your character currently is so you can set out the scene for the readers]

I hated it when teachers acted like they had the power to do anything. Even if they did. I groaned along with everyone else. Damn it. Now I was going to have to waste my time outside of school too. It was strange, though, because Alex almost bounced up and down in her seat #FF0000 ">[why was this strange? If Alex isn't the type of person to get excited over such a prospect then mention that], her carefully styled blond hair quivering. "Hospital!" she mouthed at me. I raised both eyebrows questioningly. "My sister!" She kept fidgeting, euphoric.

Only now did I get it. "We allowed to do that?" I asked perplexedly.

She nodded frantically. "I checked a while ago!" The bell rang and she shot up from her chair, racing to Mr. Hamilton through the crowd. #FF0000 ">[okay, so I'm not really understanding what's going on here. What are your character's talking about here]

I sighed, shaking my head. Ian tapped my shoulder. "Sucks, huh?" he asked understandingly. His grey eyes bore into mine. #FF0000 ">[for some reason I find this sentence a bit awkward. When I read the word 'bore' I kind of pictured him gaping at your MC. maybe you could have used a more subtle word, simply saying 'looked at me' is enough sometimes]

I swallowed, lurching away from his hand on my shoulder. It surprised me – I wasn't expecting my reaction to be so strong. #FF0000 ">[her reaction is surprising, but it's good that you elaborated]

Ian's mouth slid downward #FF0000 ">[to me this doesn't sound like the kind of reaction I'd expect from Ian. in the first chapter he seemed so confident and cocky. when your MC reacted like that, I'd expect him to say something like, "someones in a bad mood..." something like that]. "Anne's still not at school," he whispered, leaning down #FF0000 ">[i found this sentence awkward to. the news that Anne still isn't in school wasn't introduced properly. you should have Ian say something like, "have you heard, Anne's still not been in school..." just so the dialogue flows with the character's movements]. The people around us were talking loudly, their buzz of conversation mixing together.

I breathed through my nose. "I know," I said finally. #FF0000 ">[so your character knows this but your readers don't. maybe here you could elaborate. mention how long it's been since Anne hasn't been in school and possibly how she feels about that]

Ian smiled slightly. He ruffled my hair, not letting go even after I flinched. Now he knew I'd looked for her. It was all my conscience's fault. #FF0000 ">[I'm not fully getting this] "I know you know. Just… fix it. She didn't do it on purpose."

I smacked his hand away, my cheeks burning. "She didn't do it on purpose?" I took a deep breath, trying to stop my voice from breaking. "She was my best friend. Who dated my boyfriend behind my back." #FF0000 ">[this should be one sentence]

It was Ian's turn to flinch. He shrugged, grimacing. "Details, details."

I groaned. "Why don't you just get lost, Ian?"

He acted as if he was seriously considering this. Then grinned. It was an irritating sort of grin. "If you tell me where you're volunteering." #FF0000 ">[there - this sounds more like Ian]

I rolled my eyes. "In a hospital. I'm sure one of the nurses will cut your hair, so don't you dare come," I warned. #FF0000 ">[I'm confused why would a nurse cut his hair?]

Ian's smirk grew wider. "As long as she's a hot nurse," he trawled.

I slapped his shoulder."Ugh, you're impossible."

He bowed. "Thanks." #FF0000 ">[loved this]

I marched to the front, snatching Alex by the hand and dragging her to science class. I needed to distract myself. Alex wriggled under my hand. "Hey- Amy, what are you-" she protested.

I finally realized something I forgot. I stopped in the middle of the hall. It wasn't so packed anymore. Better hurry to class. "How'd it go with Jennifer last night?"

Alex's expression turned blank before she sulked. Her lower lip jutted out again. "She's got a boyfriend," she grunted.

I squeezed her shoulder. "Ouch."

"Ouch indeed," Alex laughed. I was glad she was laughing, at the very least. "But I got my paper done." She paused. "How'd it go in the safari? Did you end up going home?" I didn't know what expression she was seeing, but it made her big blue eyes even more guilt ridden. "Sorry about bailing," she said in a small voice. #FF0000 ">[now you finally mention the safari! lol you should mention it earlier, even have your character's talk about it briefly during class and then expand on it later]

I smiled widely, unable to stop the sudden surge of… well, I wasn't sure what it was exactly, but it was something. "Nah, I stayed. It was really cool." I giggled.

Alex's eyes widened. "You met someone, didn't you?" she accused.

I grinned. "That obvious, huh?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "But they're all kids," she added as we continued pacing.

"He wasn't." I shook my head, remembering how tall he was. "You are so going to laugh – his name's Ben." I waited for her to laugh again, but it didn't happen. I glanced at her expression.

Alex's pale face lost the color it had. I stared at her, uncomprehending. She slowed her walk, her hands slowly rising to her hair. "He had a black woolen hat that covered everything?" she asked quickly. I nodded cautiously. "And he was really tall, like, really?"

I nodded again, a bit more irritated now. "What's up?"

She groaned. "You like lost causes, don't you?" Alex started shaking her head.

I counted to ten. Slowly. "Alex, tell me what's going on. Now."

Her thin lips pulled up into a half painful smile. "He's with my sister in the department. Fortunately, that means he's almost healed. Unfortunately…" She silenced, her hands fiddling with each other. She bit her lower lip. "Oh, Amy, you shouldn't get close to him."

I stood my ground, planting both my feet so that I'd stand steady. "Why, Alex?" I asked in a quiet voice.

She smiled half a smile. It was a sad one. "That means he's going to leave." #FF0000 ">[I didn't get this at all]

***

Alex and I drove to the hospital in silence. She turned the radio on though, so it wasn't all that awkward. "So…" I cleared my throat. "We're going to be tutors, huh?"

Alex watched me from the corner of her eye. "Yeah. Most of them are kids, so we're going to be fine. Mr. Hamilton said that it's a good idea."

Some pride leaked into her voice near the end. I fought a smile. "It is a good idea," I agreed softly. "Faye's going to be so thrilled." I could almost see Alex's blue eyes melt like butter. Her tone softened.

Alex grinned. "Yeah. We don't get to hang out much when she's hospitalized. It's going to be really cool…" Her voice trailed off as she parked the car. We walked side by side to the big hospital, made of white marble.

Before we walked through the automatic doors, Alex held out her hand. I took it, holding tightly. "The hospital is never a nice place to be in," she said grimly. I nodded and we both walked in.

Alex was already an expert. She talked to the secretary, who handed us pages to sign while I glanced around. I read the paper carefully. It said that if I got sick while being in the hospital, it wasn't their faults. I rolled my eyes, signing. Of course it wasn't. Alex took two spares for us to hand to our parents and led me to the fifth floor.

You could see children lived here: there were paintings on the walls, and one wall had been decorated with drawings of stick people and rainbows. I supposed those were made by the kids.

Alex glanced inside one of the rooms in the halls, then pressed a thin finger to her lips. "Be quiet," she whispered, edging inside.

I walked in after her. The room had about four beds, two of them empty, but the covers were pink and ruffled. A little girl was sleeping on the third bed, deep circles under her eyes. Her short blonde hair was so much like Alex's. Alex kneeled down next to her bed, stroking her hair.

The girl on the fourth bed glanced sharply at me, diving under her covers. Her skin was darker, her eyes almost black as she peeked at me from under the thick blanket. Unlike Faye, she didn't have any hair. "Alex, who is she?" she asked suspiciously. She had a British accent. I smiled faintly, holding my hands together.

Alex laughed softly. "That's a friend. She's going to teach you Math, you know. Her name's Amy. Amy, this is Nell."

"Hi, Nell," I said weakly.

Nell rose from the bed slowly. "Nice to meet you," she said guardedly. "And I hate math!" she added stubbornly, as if just making sure I knew.

I breathed in relief. At least she was talking to me. "So do I." I sat down at the edge of her bed. "But it can't be that bad. Let's give it a shot."

The girl recoiled from me. "No shots, please…"

I sighed. This was going to take some getting used to. "I meant, let's do our best."

She nodded slowly, still watching me. "Alright," she said at last, her tone unwilling. But I could see the smile hiding at the corner of her mouth.

A baseball rolled into the room. Someone opened the door, laughing quietly. "Alright kids, chill out. I'm getting it," Ben said behind his shoulder as he entered the room. He wore a thick sweatshirt, though it wasn't that cold. "Hey, Alex," he said halfheartedly.

Alex didn't look up from Faye's sleeping face. "Hey, idiot."

Ben grimaced before turning to me. His mouth turned up at the corners. I smiled back before I could stop myself. "So you're the new tutor?" he finally asked.

I shrugged. "Seems like it. Do I have to tutor you?" The mere idea sent chills through me. Teaching someone who actually understood…

He laughed at the fearful edge my voice took. "Don't think so. Unlike some people, I'm smart." He shot Nell a pointed glance.

She sniffed. "I know everything just fine, thank you," she spat out at him, and I thought she might have been blushing under her dark skin.

Ben leaned down to grab the ball. "Want me to show you around?" he asked casually.

Before I could respond Alex turned around, her eyes narrowed to slits. "She's not going to fall for it, you know," she warned.

Ben smiled and shrugged. "That's what they all say."

I hated it when people got all cryptic like that. I shook my head. "You're not making sense." #FF0000 ">[what's not making sense - i thought he was being flirty, why does it have to make sense?]

Ben rolled his eyes, grabbing me by the hand. His grip was surprisingly firm. "We're going on a walk," he announced to the room before yanking me out.

I stumbled a little as I followed him out the colored hallway and to the elevator. "Where are we going?" I demanded #FF0000 ">[i think that's a pretty strong word, asked would do just fine, i mean, she likes the guy after all right? to me demand seems aggressive] after the metallic doors closed.

Ben gave out a long sigh. "Anywhere but there." Then he looked up at me again. His eyes were still that strange green color. They seemed hypnotic. He smiled, snapping me out of my trance. "By the way, welcome to hell."

His tone was almost amused. Almost. I raised both eyebrows. "If this is hell then where's the devil?" I worked to make my tone lighter.

Ben's smile widened, but his eyes weren't laughing anymore. They were serious. He tapped the side of his head. "Right here." #FF0000 ">[absolutely loved this line !]
***

We got all the way to the exit, Ben explaining about each of the nurses #FF0000 ">[this sentence needs work]. There was one with dyed orange hair that gave you extra fudge if you said please. The tall one with all the makeup made you sit still when she poked you with a needle. It went on like that.

Ben pointed at the door. "That's Salvation." I giggled a little. "No, I'm serious," he continued, chuckling along. "We actually named it."

I wanted to say something, but a familiar sight caught my eye. I looked more closely at the mane of brown hair behind the doors, then groaned.

Ian walked in, spreading his arms out. "You didn't really think I was going to miss this, did you?"

Ben casually slid his hand around my waist #FF0000 ">[that's a bit forward isn't it? or maybe it's just me]. "I'm Ben," he said through a smile. It was his bright smile.

I didn't want to shrug out of his arm, I wanted to stay there #FF0000 ">[i understand this but i think it would be a bit more realistic if you have her feeling a little shocked, maybe having butterflies zooming around her stomach as well]. He was warm… Sighing, I took a step forward anyway. "The nurses will cut your hair," I said grimly. #FF0000 ">[still not getting that line]

Ian laughed. "Bring them on."

From behind him, I heard a recognizable voice. "…Don't worry, it's just Literature that you have to teach, it's nothing. You know you rock at it anyways, oh, and…" Davy's voice faded as he came into view. He was holding Anne's hand tightly in his, her autumn hair lying straight on her shoulders. Our eyes met.

I felt myself flinch, taking a step back. My stomach turned. I closed my eyes for one brief second, opening them again to look accusingly at Ian. He grinned back at me.

I held back a growl. Ben must've noticed my distress because he put his arm around my shoulder reassuringly. "Newcomers!" he said cheerfully. He gestured with his hand that they follow, urging me with his arm. I knew my face was pale. "You don't look so good, Amy," he muttered under his breath.

I pursed my lips, trying to think of different ways to kill Ian later. "What do you think would be better, a gun to the head or a dull knife?"

Ian stopped, causing the rest to bump into us. "What?"

I shook my head. "For killing Ian. Hypothetically," I added when he looked at me from the corner of his eye.

He shook his head. "He just invited some people, you can't hate him for that."

I grinded my teeth silently. "I can and I will." Behind us, I could hear Davy and Anne whisper. It felt like a rock had settled in my stomach.

"He looks like a cool guy," Ben continued.

I raised both eyebrows. "You don't know what you're talking about." Ben picked up pace, dragging me along with his arm. It hurt slightly. "Ben!" I complained. #FF0000 ">[complained shouldn't be the word here. if I was Amy I'd be confused, angry almost that this complete stranger, never mind how good looking, was dragging me tightly by the arm]

He looked down, his green eyes filled with something I couldn't understand. "You don't have a right to be angry with people," he whispered quickly. "Nobody does. You guys are alive. Just forget about little things."#FF0000 "> [I'm confused]

I swallowed. His tone was scaring me. There was also a new tint to his eyes. "I know that, but it does suck, you don't even know everything –"

He took his arm off my shoulder #FF0000 ">[i thought he had his arm around her waist] as the others came near #FF0000 ">[what others?]. I could hear their footsteps. "I don't have to," he said before entering the elevator.

I sighed, feeling tears choke at the back of my throat. I must have triggered something for him to burst out like that.

Ian was the first to get there. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder instead of Ben, laughing. It felt too different. "Scared him away, huh?"

I wasn't sure if he was saying I scared him away, or asking if he did, so I just shrugged. It could've easily been both. "Let's just get this over with," I muttered as the elevator doors closed.

The elevator was too small for all of us, so we were all standing very close together. Davy's hand brushed against mine. I went bright red, my heart leaping to my throat. Ian's grey eyes laughed as they met mine.

"By the way," I whispered in his ear, standing on the tips of my toes to reach his height, "You are so dead." Ian laughed, not bothering to answer. It was the longest twenty seconds of my life. I closed my eyes patiently, wishing it was already over. This was just great. Terrific, really.

Alex gave a slight squeal as she saw everyone. She even got up to give Anne a hug. I waited with clenched fists. A pair of blue eyes stared at me from the third bed. Faye smiled slightly. "Amy, right?" she asked in a small voice. I nodded. The little girl propped her head up with her hand, looking me up and down. "You look like you're in hell."

Ben barked a laugh. I nodded, ignoring him. "I don't like hospitals."

Faye turned to her side, sighing into her pillow. "Neither do I."

I forced out a smile. "How do you feel about Math?"

She shrugged. "Nell hates it. I don't mind."

I smiled at Alex. She beamed back. "My little sis'," she said proudly.

I forced my smile to stay, hoping I didn't look anything like Mrs. Felly. It felt so fake.

So this chapter was definitely more interesting because I'm starting to see a love triangle emerge but I may be wrong - sorry if I am, it's just the way I feel after reading this.

But there are a number of things to improve on:

Your dialogue seems to be really unrealistic and fragmented at times. Whereas in chapter 4 I really liked Ben, I'm not so sure in this chapter, purely because his dialogue and personality in this chapter was really confusing. If he's a character with something to hide, give him that element of mystery from the very beginning and then keep that consistency when it comes to his dialogue and his interaction with Amy because right now I'm not really getting his character at all.

it's clear that Amy and Anne have issues, the problem is you haven't showed us that, I mean you do mention Amy's reaction, anger etc, but what about Davy and Anne? Why not show their reactions every time they see Anne - show us that awkwardness that they feel once they see each other. You did it in the first chapter, continue with it. In addition, I hope that in the coming chapters we can hear Anne and Davy's side of the story - that will make things really interesting.

Apart from those things, this was really great and enjoyable. I honestly can't wait for more of this because I'm dying to know what will happen next.

Great job Ofir!

*coco

p.s: thanks for the review offer. I've been recently brushing up my story "of loss and love" (I don't know if you remember it). I'd love to hear your take on the new improvements when you can - no pressure or anything, there are a few chapter's to go through. When you do decide to review them, make sure to stay clear from chapter 10 - that's still incomplete.