Special for once

For something you just came up with this is brilliant. I like Violet, you've given her realistic character and she is so 'the woman behind the man' Nothing much I could say about the other characters, since this only the beginning, but I will gladly wait for updates.

Wow. So I loved it. I think you MC could use so more developing. Maybe you could go into detail about everything more, eh? It seemed kind of rushed to me, but it was still really great. I really can't wait to read more.

Oh, and maybe you could put in like the past between Peter and your MC, so we could know how they got started. =] And I really do want to read more on why Clarissa hates Violet so much.

Hey there Ofir! June here!

Aww, no replies on your previous post? In the future, if you want a review, feel free to PM me. I'm usually up to reviewing, unless I am lazy.


Anyway! Mars has got to all the important stuff, so I can do a (lazy) overall! But...

He rolled his eyes at me, half a smile on his faced.

Hey! So, if you need a review, there's this forum where you can request them. Anyway, to make up for it I'm going to give you the super awesome 250th critique that this story deserves, yeah?

Yeah.

NIT-PICKS, TYPOS, AND GRAMMAR FUN! (?)

"It's your turn, isn't it?" I asked in a whisper, worried.

He rolled his eyes at me, half a smile on his face. He couldn't talk because of the microphone [s]there[/s], I realized. It was probably very stupid of me to be talking too. "Sorry," I whispered before I could stop myself. I could see he was biting on his lower lip, fighting a chuckle. I was so bad at this stuff, why [s]did he bring[/s] had he brought me with him anyways?

*

Clarissa, with her hair in a neat braid at the back of her head, and a headphone on her right ear, looked after him from her side of the stage.

I find it odd that the readers get Clarissa's name before Peter, seeing as Peter is one of the two main characters. I'm not sure why you didn't replace one of the pronouns with his name in the first paragraph.

*

Of course, me not going with Peter to his concerts had more than one good reason. This whole sentence is phrased really, really awkwardly. I think something like there was more than one good reason for me not to accompany Peter to his concerts. It just sounds more natural. First reason: I always messed it up somehow. On the fifth show [s]I was with them[/s] I tripped over a microphone cable, causing the whole concert to be dismissed. I could be such a klutz sometimes.

NP>> The second reason was [s]reasonably[/s] the repetition of 'reason' is not good. more justifiable. Everybody here hated me. Yes, especially Clarissa. It felt bad being in a place like this. Well not everybody, I suppose. But I could see the objection in their eyes. 'His girlfriend?' they would think, nodding toward me with a tiny, polite head nod. I could see them wondering for a second. "Her?" I always like italics for thoughts, but you can use quotation marks if you want; just make sure you're EITHER using the " OR the '. Not both. they always thought. Not that I especially cared [s]what they thought[/s]. Never had. I hated attention. Typical of me to choose exactly that position.

The underlined portion seems out of order. You skip around from everybody to Clarissa to everybody; it's odd to read.

*

I was wall paper. Well, at least until Peter came along. He didn't think of me that way. He thought I was special. But this was worse than wall paper. [s]Better yet[/s], this was exactly why being wall paper was worth it. But… even now, with Peter, I was always in the background. Wallpaper. Again. But I thought she wanted to be wallpaper, now? Again, it's not making too much sense. It's okay to be conflicted, but at least recognize that she's conflicted, right?

(I realize that I'm using the pronoun 'she' for your narrator even though I have no idea whether she's a girl or a guy. That should be cleared up pretty quickly in the beginning )

*

I [b]asked myself, staring at the tight, short dress they had me squeezed into tonight. It was pale purple, beautiful, of course. And I hated it. What was wrong with my own clothes?

*

"Violet Nerrally?" a voice asked, loud, happy. So unlike my mood at the moment.

I turned around too quickly. I fell, the dark floor of the back stage coming closer and closer. I shut my eyes tight, waiting for the crash. It never came. Somebody caught me. Whoever caught me, his shoulders were wide, and his hands gentle. I stumbled back. "Sorry, sorry!" I mumbled, apologetic.

*

I breathed in relief. He was one of those nice people, then. I like this! Shows her anxiety well.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Peter staring at me from the stage, his mouth moving to the lyrics, but his eyes on me. He looked torn between horror and amusement, and, for some reason, outrage. On the other side of the stage, I still saw Clarissa- but she was gawking this time. How weird.

I took another shaky step back. "You looked for me before?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the floor, hopping everyone would look away. When I looked up, they had. The youth was still smiling.

*

"But I said no-" I didn't get to finish that sentence either.

"Look, just talk to your friends." He shot a slightly mocking glance toward the stage, where Peter was jumping with the crowd, singing, looking at us from the corner of his eye.

I felt my face grow red. Why was he making fun of Peter?

I snatched the card away. "Fine," I said sharply before folding my arms tightly across my chest.

*

"Break!" [s]I heard[/s] Clarissa's voice announced and I spun around eagerly, ready to see Peter. I spun too fast again.

NP>>"I'm Red, and let's try not to make a habit out of this," he chuckled.

Check out this article for more on beginnings.