This was no big deal, I tried to convince myself feebly. I'd opened this door a million times before. No big deal. Even I could hear how lame my persuasion was. More importantly, it wasn't working one bit. My hand froze right before I turned the knob. The metal felt cold against my hand. I swallowed hard. Oh, God, why did I think I could do this? My face paled. I wasn't particulary a coward or anything, but, with all due respect to myself, I didn't think I could take this on. Not now.
I turned around with one swift move. Definitely not now. I couldn't just go in there and see everyone. A little voice in my head noted in a high pitched tone that everyone wasn't really my problem. You can say that again, I agreed with the voice, right before walking down the familiar staircase as quietly as I could. Maybe if I snuck around, Mrs Felly won't see me...
"Mandy?" came the shrill voice. As excpected. I eased a smile on my face. It felt too tight at the edges, but what was I to do?
You'd think she'd have at least gotten my name by now. I mean, I was only dating her son for a year. But, hey, no biggie.
"It's Amy, actually," I mumbled through the fake smile. "Nice to see you." It was, in fact, not nice in any possible way. I was in for it now, I could feel it in the air. Or maybe it was just the dust. God, I hated Davy's house.
Mrs Felly walked up to me, a smile even faker than mine crossing her thin lips. It gave me the chills. "You're here for Davy's little party, aren't you, sweetie?" she asked in a sweet voice.
I swallowed again. Time to make my escape. "Yes," I said slowly, rapidly making up lies in my head. "Yes, I am. But, unfortunately, my Mother just called - there's no one watching Freddy, and you know how he gets -" As a matter of a fact, she didn't know, because my little brother was just beyond all imagination. But I bet she heard stories. Putting my money on that, I tried a tiny step toward the door. "So, it's like that, sorry, Mrs Felly. It really was nice seeing you."
Glad I could make up a cover story that fast, I did my best to walk - run - gracefully for the door.
It opened in my face. "Ouch!" I cried, jumping back. I landed awkwardly, almost falling back into the arms of a bewildered Mrs Felly, but someone caught my hand.
I hissed as I noticed who it was. "Ian, let go!" I said in the chilliest tone I could summon. And that's really saying something. Just my usual anger has people rolling around sleepless for nights. But Ian always seemed to be unusually ammuned to that. Damn him.
"Wwhat if I don't want to?" he objected lightly, jerking my arm so I could stand upward. I glared at him. "Now, what do you say?" he asked with a raised brow. His tone was teasing.
I breathed through my nose. The dude had a point, but like hell was I going to admit it. "Thank you," I said under my breath.
"You sound like you want me dead." Ian sniffled, pretending to be offended. But the grey eyes underneath all that brown hair showed nothing other than playfulness. Always did.
Mrs Felly breathed heavily. "Dead is a big word, young man!" she said manicingly. Then she softened some, her over-plucked eyebrows easing. "If you concince Mandy to stay, though, I'll forgive you." She held a bony finger to his face.
I grimaced. She got my name wrong again.
Ian manuvered around the topic by one simple sentence. "You look absolutely lovely today, Mrs Felly, has anyone told you?" Damn it, how come I didn't think of that one before?
I hated to agree, but Mrs Felly could even be beautiful if she really tried. I just liked to think that her sour expression sort of messed things up. She had long dark hair and soft brown eyes. And she was really skinny. It never really seemed fair that she got to be thinner than me. But at least I got to eat chocolate, and she didn't.
Keeping that thought firm in my mind in an attempt to keep my sanity, I took another step towards the door. "I'll, umm, see you... around." I tried for a weak smile. My hand reached for the door. Oh, finally, I could get out of here!
Ian caught my wrist nonchalantly. "We'll be heading up then," he said with a smile to Mrs Felly.
"Please do, please do," she said through a chuckle.
Ian started dragging me along. I tottered slightly before realizing what was happening. "I - no - Freddy -" I stuttered, but Ian would have none of that.
He waited until we were safely on the stairs to cut me off. "Oh, shut up. Freddy and Laney are watching TV together at my place." He looked at me from the corner of his eye ad he kept on tugging me forward. "Lame excuse, Amy. Real lame."
I blushed scarlet. "Y-you bas-"
Ian already opened the door. Davy immediately rose from the bed. He swung his hands around awkwardly. Aa throbbing pain slid through me at the sight of him. I knew from the look on his face we just interrupted something. Anne, flushed pink, was still sitting on the bed. I didn't want to imagine why she looked out of breath.
On the rolling chair Alex was checking things on the computer. It wasn't hard to tell it was her, because of her short hair put up in spikes and baggy clothes. She turned around too look who had come. When she realized it was us, I saw her blue eyes widen a little before she gave me one of her tough little smiles. I smiled edgily back. We always got along her and I.
Anne was going bright red by now. She had her straight autumn hair pulled up in two braids today, just like Davy liked. How cute. I bared my teeth a little.
Ian yanked on my wrist gently. "Hey, guys," he said casually. "Look who finally decided to drop by."
I freed my hand before smiling another fake smile. This time I put more effort into it. Was it me, or was it burning up in this room? "Missed me?" I asked shyly.
Alex howled. "Heck, yeah, girl! Long time no see!" She outstretched her hand. I took it gratefully, our eyes meeting for a split moment. I owe you big time, my eyes said. I know, hers laughed.
Davy cleared his throat nervously. "I-It's been a while, Ame."
I shot him a sharp glance at the usage of my petname. It actually sent a sharp pain through my chest. I was pleased to notice Anne did too. Davy fidgeted around even more uneasily. This was just fun to watch. He put his hand through his spiky black hair. He got that from his Mother. Ian went to the bed to sit next to Anne. And then it was quiet again. I'd like to see anyone try to break this awkward silence, I thought a little maliciously. Time to stir things up. I looked Davy straight in his brown eyes. They sent my heart beating but I wasn't about to let him know that. "Behind Alex's back? Really, Dave?"
I saw him cringe at the usage of his petname and at the hidden meaning behind what I said. He looked ashamed of himself. Then he got himself together, cheeks bright red. "Didn't really bother you at the time, now did it?"
That hurt. I let out a low whistle. "I've taught you well."
Anne flinched at the corner of the bed.
I smiled at her. "You know that thing that you like? When he kisses your neck?"
Her face was positively red now.
I bared my teeth. "I taught him that." And I turned around and walked out the room. Only now did I let myself relax. It felt like I could melt. My legs were shaking. I've dreamt of saying that since a long time ago. I heard Alex follow right after.
"I have a cool party we could go to," she offered as we walked down the stairs. She noticed how unsteady I was and held my hand.
I flashed her an exuberant smile. "Hey, no passes." I laughed. My voice was shaking like my legs. "But sure, yeah, I'd love to go."
It was the best party ever.
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Hello there, Ofir!
Here to review.
Corrections/ Comments in #0000FF ">blue
Good line for a start. You used the phrase "No big deal" twice in this paragraph which kind of annoy the flow of your story. Maybe for the second phrase, try to italic it. So it would tell us that she's nervous and keeping that phrase would make her calm and lose the anxiety.
Okay, you need to work more on your commas and spellings.
I like your characters especially your MC. She was really brave for attending a party of her ex. lol.
Other than that, I really like this! I would like to see a continuation of this!
Keep writing!
Peace out!
Heyy. Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this. Anyway, I really like your writing.
This first thing I noticed about this story was that the MC's name is Amy! At first I was convinced it was the same character from "Don't Cry, Amy", but after reading this and the second chapter to it I'm pretty sure it's not? So I'm thinking you just like the name Amy? I guess it doesn't really matter how many times you use the name, it just threw me off for a second.
I like almost all of the dialogue in this piece, but I actually don't really like the exchanges here. For one, I only found one meaning to the "Behind Alex's back" - that him and Anne were fooling around literally behind her back in the room? I'm not sure if there is another meaning I'm supposed to know of. If I'm not supposed to know another meaning, if the other meaning is private knowledge between Amy and Davy, then that's cool.
And for some reason, I don't like that last line "I've taught you well". It's cool, kind of bad-ass, definitely, but almost too cool for me. Like, it's trying to be cool, you know. This is just all my opinion, though; don't change anything if you like it.
I did like this bit. I love well-done bitchy comments.
I feel like I'm being really nitpicky right now, but I didn't like the way this line was phrased. I'd have it be "I've dreamt of saying that for a long time." There were a few other lines like this throughout the story, just not the way I would've phrased them, and a few grammatical mistakes, but they are all pretty minor and they don't detract from the story.
But overall, I really liked this. I'm very curious and intrigued to discover the mysterious backstory that has such a huge impact on this scene. So great job
This should be Mrs. Felly with a period.
The 'c' in came should be capitalized.
I noticed many little things like that all through out, so please re-read.
I also noticed that your sentences are chopped up like pieces of a puzzle. Comas connect and make beautiful sentences, I promise!
As for the story itself, I was intrigued. So, good job! Just work on sentence structure and grammar/punctuation.
Wow, I really liked this. The way they interacted with eachother was really realistic, and it was very well written.
I'm not really sure where it is you're going with this, though. I'm guessing the biggest part of this was how she got mad at David, but I'm really not sure what was happening in the beginning.
Also, one typo jumped out at me.
Immune?
PM me if you post more, because I'd love to read the rest of the story. I could give you suggestions for a title, but since I don't really know what it's about yet, they wouldn't be very good.
If you need a review anytime, PM me!!
See you around,
Lupis
Hey ofir! Coco here, hoping to help with a review. Here goes...
there were a few awkward sentences that popped up here and there, maybe it was just me, but maybe you could go back and re-read this to see if you can spot any.
there are a few things that you should explain, I don't understand why she's going to her ex-boyfriend's house when there's obviously some kind of conflict going on between them, were they friends before they began dating hence the awkwardness, just try and explain that just so that reader's are aware of the background of the situation
lol! I'm looking forward to see where you take this, I've got a lot of questions, does Davy still like Amy, why did they break up, is there something going on between Ian and Amy. Hope to find out!
So I like this but I think that there are a few things that could be worked on:
Anyway, like I said, I enjoyed this. Your MC's emotions and personality is explored really well, you've made her a likable funny character and that's always good. The dialogue was good too, especially the stuff with Mrs Felly (interesting name) that made me smile, she seems like a typical boyfriend's mum, come to think of it, she sounds like my boyfriend's mum
Best of luck!
*coco