Young Writers Society

I loved this the first part made my think of alice from twilight before she was a vampire

Hi Ofir!

A beautiful piece of poetry. I absolutely detest Alice in Wonderland more then you can imagine, but this was just a well-written, solid poem. You capture all elements of the story so well and tie them together perfectly. Everyone already got my minor qualms with this, so please, shoot me a PM once you've posted more work, okay?

-Elinor

Very good poetry indeed!
My favourite thing has to be how you craft the problems she has through her actions on the swings and leave us with a frankly insane little girl. It's genuinely wonderful -- that sounds a little weird following my previous remark, but yeah, I truly enjoyed reading that!
Keep it up!
~Ben

*Likes*

*Likes*. This was really interesting. You showed me a whole other perspective of Alice in Wonderland. Maybe Alice really just made this all up because she didn't want to face her problems? I rather fancied this poem. Like toto said, it was easy to understand but there's like this hidden message in it too.

-Crescent

Awesome! I loved how its right at the time that Alice in Wonderland the movie came out! It has a really clear message. It was easy to understand I also loved how you used the Alice in Wonderland theme... pretty cool!

This was really great. There are so many hidden messages in Alice in Wonderland and I think you pretty much summed them up in one poem. Good job!

I keep finding myself reading your stuff, ofir; keep it up, your writing's great. This was a really cool poem, the way you talk about Alice's denying reality is really interesting.

Liked it a lot. Hope you keep up the great work!

I don't think it matters what "Alice" this is based on. I think your trying to sort of giving Alice a reality check. Life isn't all fairy tales and tea parties. I liked this, it took me a while to figure out the message but its kind of cool, please write more poetry. I like your honesty.

Very nice! May I ask what this was based on? Was Alice Lewis Carrol or was Alice just Alice? Confusion D:















Kim

*Liked*

Hey Hero here to review!

There's not much to work with since it's good but I'll try. Problems/Praise/Tips

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Problems:

Firstly, there were a few lines to be improved:

ofir wrote:It doesn’t really matter if it all really was
It’s just a role after all,

ofir wrote:

ofir wrote:But she still hides
Deep under the ground

Deep, she still hides,
Deep under the ground

ofir wrote:Alice hides alone in a dark hole
Because in life Alice must play a certain role.
On the verge of insanity
Alice swings
Like a bird with no wings.

There is no evil queen
And no helping friends
No smirking cat or a hatter which makes amends
There is no strange world and no tea party too
There is just a dark hole and her feelings,
Which are askew.

Alice tells fairytales to hide from reality
She’s just trying to delay the calamity
But it will come
She must leave her hole
She must continue with her role
Because Alice is Alice
It’s just what she does
It doesn’t really matter if it all really was
It’s just a role after all,
She’ll be alright: she can handle a fall.

But she still hides
Deep under the ground
Not making a sound
Inventing tales of things that never were
For my Alice,
I don’t think there is a cure.