Something is missing and I don't know what it is!!! Help?
Letters
Dear Cody,
How's it going? Are you liking the new place? I bet it's great. Everyone talks about it like it is.
Snowy bit me today and it really hurt, even had some blood dripping. She's a tiny little kitten, I know, but her teeth are so damn sharp! Anyways, I put a green colored Band-Aid on the bite before we left for the church-ceremony-thingy. Mom forced me to wear this respectable (and hideous, might I mention) black dress instead of that pink tank top you liked: I looked like a total nun! You would've laughed.
It was a royal pain to go 'cause you know very well I don't like public things – especially when religion's involved. Remember that old lady down the block that forced us into church when we were five? We were late so everyone turned to stare at us! I blame her. I'm traumatized.
Well, Preacher Adams was nice at least. Grandma says he's too young to have any real knowledge inside that blonde head of his. But he smiled at me, and not in the patronizing-too-understanding-annoying way adults usually do, just in this this-sucks-but-I'm-sure-you'll-be-fine totally nice way. So I give him the thumbs up.
Everyone stared at me in my nun outfit. I'm sure I'd gone tomato red. But hey, I look hot in anything, (your words, I'm quoting!) right? Except in woolen hats. They make my hair puffy.
We all lit candles and their light was kind of warm, like it actually reached the tips of my fingers. A bunch of people I don't know put their arms on each other's shoulders and started swaying to the rhythm of the prayer and I went along. Whole deal felt real nice.
It felt real long too, so I kind of slipped out near the end. Sorry. I made my way towards the bushes (best place to hide) when I heard someone whimper. I moved this branch and saw that odious Rebecca Green bawling her eyes out.
Okay, you've got to remember Rebecca. She had like half the school running after her and she's a gorgeous blonde with a – let's just call it a well built body, 'kay? And while having the entire boy population under her hateful grip, she aimed at the one guy that did not seem like he noticed her. Yes, Cody, she aimed at you. Which is out right hateful since you and I were together since forever.
She's always had a thing for you, you know, and I am so not cool with someone trying to steal my boyfriend. But she was crying so I did the nice thing and leaned down. "Need a hand?" I asked as I offered her mine.
Rebecca's blue eyes (they are so wide and big and innocent looking, damn her) trailed from my hand to my face. It was kinda funny to watch. Then she took my hand and pulled herself up. Surprisingly, she was heavy. Or maybe I'm just weak. She dropped my hand immediately, muttered a 'thanks' and stalked off to join the crowd.
I told you she's a bitch.
After that lovely encounter with the charming Rebecca I didn't feel like being alone anymore so I looked for Melanie, but when I spotted her she was wrapped up in Jason's arms and crying really hard so I didn't want to interrupt. So I waited patiently in the car 'till the ceremony was over and Mom came. I sat in the old rusty thing and thought about how much you wanted to get a driver's license. Too bad you couldn't wait just a bit longer, you idiot.
You haven't been gone a day and I already miss you so much!!! I think you would've liked the ceremony thingy. We were all there for each other. You would've loved that.
Too bad it was a closed casket ceremony, Codes; I really wanted to see your face again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
"I sat in the old rusty thing and thought about how much you wanted to get a driver's license. Too bad you couldn't wait just a bit longer, you idiot."
When I read this, I took it to mean that he had been sick for a long time and had passed away just before he got his license. Does it mean that or was he in a car accident? If so, specification would be helpful.
There are certain points in the story where descriptive adjectives were used. Instead of these, I would use stronger nouns and verbs. A few examples are:
"She's a tiny little kitten."
Although it makes a point, there are other ways you could put this like "She's only a kitten," or "She's a tiny kitten."
"Anyways, I put on a green colored Band-Aid..." Green colored is adjectives and seems to take away from the paragraph rather than adding it. You could say something more specific like a "Buzz Lightyear Band-Aid" or even "A green Band-Aid."
"We all lit candles, and their light was kind of warm." This sentence would be more effective by saying "We all lit candles which warmed the room." Also, using kind of makes the narrator seem unsure. If this is what you want, you could say, "We all lit candles which seemed to warm the room."
"Whole deal felt real nice." This statement seems sarcastic. If this was the intention then it is nicely stated. If not, you could day something like: "It truly felt nice." This makes the narrator seem more sincere and genuine.
"She aimed at the one guy that did not seem like he noticed her. Yes, Cody, she aimed at you. Which is out right hateful since you and I were together since forever."
"Aimed" was used twice in this part. If you were trying to emphasized that she aimed, it works; however, if you were trying to emphasize "Cody," the two times you use "aimed" takes away from this. You could say "She aimed at the one guy that did not seem to notice her. Yes, Cody, it was you." Also, "seem like" takes away from the sentence. I would exchange it for a word as simple as "to."
This character seems to hate Rebecca. Although she might have been very angry at her, I don't know if she would really care on the day of Cody's funeral unless she had something to do with his death. Also, has she come to terms with his death? She seems angry at some times and calm at others. Was she not the "crying type?" If she is angry, you could have her send more anger in Cody's direction for dying. If not, a little less anger in Rebecca's direction would be nice. She makes it clear that Cody was hers, so although she may have felt threatened by Rebecca, she would not have felt so much anger. She might have even felt sorry for Rebecca because she got to spend so much time for him before he died.
This story was amazing! At the beginning, I though he had moved to Hollywood or New York or somewhere that everyone wanted to live. Then, as the story went on, there were little clues that made me worry about what was going on: aka the crying and when she says "you idiot." The end was a surprise, even though you left the clues. I think that the readers will know a little before the end that Cody was not okay; however, until you state it blatantly, they will try to deny it. I love the story and definitely shed tears before the end.
Hey Ofir! (I keep wanting to spell your name as 'Ofire' lol)
Thanks for pming this to me about this!
Now, I do have just a few nitpicks that I'd like to share.
The repetition of 'this' makes it and odd sentence.
Comma after hats, not period
Hah, I love this line! X3
Comma after asked.
Overall
I feel...so sad right now.
I hate you. >.>
Just kidding!
Now, my main concern with this piece was the character, herself. She's a bit confusing. I'm thinking she's in denial about his death, therefore her letter seems like a normal person writing to someone far away, right? But if she was in denial, why would she say that she wished she could see his face in the casket again, one last time. That was confusing but again, it's just my thought. Although, I have to say, I did honestly really love that line. It was like, BAM! realization.
Haha, okay. So, I did wish you mentioned a little something about how he might have died, car accident? Maybe his face was discombobulated so that's why it was a closed casket. I don't know. But it's a thought, again. And, I wish you made this longer >.<
Also, I would tell you to add more description but I remembered it's a letter and if I wrote a letter to someone I would not be very descriptive XD so no problem there.
Hmmmm...well, that's really all I can nitpick, Ofir. You did pretty well and I totally enjoyed reading this!
*Like*
Much love,
~Pink
Hi ofir! I had a great time reading this. I can't find much at all to critique, but I will try my best.
To be honest, I was confused at what sort of religious ceremony you were talking about through the beginning. Since I don't go to church, I wasn't sure if the thing with the candles was a normal activity or not. I assumed that if it was something as important as a funeral, she would've said that right off the bat, so I was guessing at what they were doing through most of this.
This is a fragment, and I would change this sentence somehow.
This felt a bit strange to me. It doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the paragraph. I get that your main character hates her, but she's got to feel a bit bad for her when she sees her crying.
This was a bit strong. Since I don't know much about Rebecca's character yet, all I can imagine is that she spent most of her high school years attempting, but not succeeding at stealing her boyfriend. She seems a bit harmless, and your main character came off as a little harsh with this comment. That's just what I felt from it.
who's Melanie?
Now it actually took me a second read through to understand what you meant by this. Your main character is mad at him for not waiting to get his license, thinking it wouldn't prevented the crash. But getting a license doesn't mean you're suddenly invulnerable. He still could have died. I'm surprised she didn't think of that.
A very effective line in my opinion. I wasn't sure what was going on before, but after you said this, it made things stunningly clear.
All in all, I really loved it. You did a good job of making this read like a letter, but still feel like a story.
I hope I helped
If you're planning on writing more, would you send me a PM?