Different
prologue
Mrs. Tompson's class was known throughout the school for its tidy homeroom. Not only that, but all the students were extremely well behaved as well, or so everyone kept repeating. Huddled in a corner on the far side of the classroom was Elizabeth's spot. Eli, as she'd fiercely correct if she were in any mood to correct things.
The subtle difference between her and the rest of Mrs. Tompson's tenth grade class was very hard to discover. In fact, she seemed completely ordinary. Her hair was a tad too dark – but, then, her hair would be dark if she didn't like going out to the sun, and she was a trifle thin, too – but, then, anyone would be that if they played and ran and jumped all day. Elizabeth, however, did none of those.
The adults around her settled for merely those excuses, but when the girl reached eight, there really was no denying it. She was different. Around that time was when the accidents started happening. Tiny cases of mishaps – the sheep gone wild, the door locked into place at the school gate, just little flukes people used to blame on luck. But that was before the fire.
Elizabeth's house used to be the grandest in town – that was why everyone was so shocked when it caught fire, see – and Elizabeth, small and tiny, her face white with dread and striped with coals – was left on her own. Knowing that there was nothing to know, the now nervous citizens of ManeBridge put up the child in their homes until a proper caretaker was settled. And that was when the man in the suit came.
It seemed strange, seeing him creep up the normal looking drive, taking the little girl's hand without looking at her. "I will take it from here," he had said, and off he left, Eli in the backseat.
And that is how she reached Mrs. Tompson's class, though these were just rumors – the girl didn't seem special at all. Then again, you see, that was her charm.
Right now, she was scowling. School. She closed her eyes in disdain. Ugh. Putting up with this stupid place full of stupid people every single day! It was absurd. Ridiculous. Uncle Benjamin should realize how meaningless this was. She should be home schooled. Or sent back to that awful place Uncle Benjamin had fetched her from all of those years ago. Or something. But staying here was definitely not an option.
Ludicrous, Eli fumed again. It should be ridiculed. What an outrageous thing to ask for for your fortieth birthday. Most people would ask for something nice, like a handmade doll maybe. She could sow. But go to school! High school, of all things! And study. And actually try at it, because Uncle Benjamin had asked so nicely.
Eli shook her head, her scowl growing fiercer. Surely, asking this for your birthday was not normal. Eli frowned at her book. Uncle Benjamin had said he wanted her to be 'normal'. He'd only laughed when she asked him to prove what that means. "After all," she'd claimed, "normal is built of the majority. And the vast majority of my age…" but that was where she was brought short. Well… what did they do?
Uncle Benjamin smiled, said there was no smart-talking your way out of this one, and that was it.
Eli sighed inconspicuously, trying not to rip her long white sleeves apart. She'd never realized how annoying those were. School uniforms! The white fabric was made out of the most uncomfortable material that itched and scratched. Eli sniffled. I want to go home, she thought miserably.
The students around her seemed ignorant of her distress. They chattered on, as if there was no new student at all, as if Eli was invisible. Eli sniffled again. She didn't want their attention, but maybe just a hi could be nice. She tried. She really did. After the few weak responses she'd gotten, and the girl who batted her heavily smeared mascara eyelids at her arrogantly, and the boy who started making rude remarks, she'd given up, slumped in her seat. So she didn't need their attention. They could have it, and shove it up wherever they'd like!
She didn't want to be here… Tears filled her eyes. These people didn't know her; they didn't know what she could do, where she came from. Worse; she didn't know them. And this entire experience has been nothing but humiliating, and Uncle Benjamin should have been aware it would be so!
Crying. Tears. Some of the students around her fell quiet, staring, their glances interested. Others continued on shouting, ignoring the scene. A sob was building in Eli's throat. Look away, she thought desperately. The eyes were still on her, the fabric uncomfortable, her tears hot as they slid down her cheeks. Look away! And then there were no more stares, and everything was dark and then colorful again, reflecting a horrid reality, and Uncle Benjamin was smiling sadly, standing in the front of the class.
"I wanted to make the stares stop," Eli tried to explain. Her throat clogged up, and Uncle Benjamin waited patiently as she regained balance. "Uncle Benjamin?" Eli finally asked.
"Hmm?" he answered. Eli did her best not to look at the rest of the class, but the tears spilled down anyways. She fixed her glance on his solid figure, trying to ignore the rest. It was so easy feeling like a kid when she did this.
"I want to go home now," Eli whimpered.
Uncle Benjamin brushed some dust off his suit. "I'm taking you to a new home, Eli," he said. Only someone who knew him as well as Eli could know how sad he was.
"We're… moving?" Eli asked uncertainly.
The firelight seemed odd, reflecting across his brown eyes. Or maybe just the expression in them was odd. "No," Uncle Benjamin said slowly, clearing his throat. "The government had already put its eye on you, you know. They'll put you somewhere… safe." The man stopped, and for the first time, Eli saw how old he really did seem.
"You want me to go with these people?" Absentmindedly, she noted that her sleeves were torn, and that the warmth of the fire was quickly building. Nevertheless, she waited for his response edgily.
Finally, Uncle Benjamin nodded slowly. His brown eyes were careful, and Eli could see how he was focusing on his breathing. Nauseated by her, by the situation. "I… guess… you could say that."
Eli reached out to hold his hand. Without hesitation, he stretched out his own arm. "Now let's get you out of here," Uncle Benjamin said kindly.
Eli bobbed her head weakly. "Will I like it there?" she asked, her grey eyes full of anxiety, like a small child on the first day of school.
Uncle Benjamin smiled a broken line. "Sure. It's where they take people who are… special. Different."
Eli nodded. Somehow, that word seemed familiar.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey ofir. =)
I don't like that last bit, "was very hard to discover" - there are a lot of small, weak words in there that don't really excite me. Of course, that's not really necessary, but keeping things short is much tidier and will have a stronger impact. Try rephrasing it in a more active way. For example: "...tenth grade class would slip past most people." That avoids the word "was", which is dull and boring.
The repetition of "but, then" is kind of irritating, but again, consider rephrasing the "anyone would be that if".
This is confusing; you use a few sentences explaining why Eli is like this, but then you say she doesn't do any of it? It's a bit misleading. However, I understand what you mean when you say: "The adults around her settled for merely those excuses," and it would be best if you included that in the description beforehand. As in, "adults settled for her jumping all day..." etc. Yah?
The next couple of paragraphs seem a bit confusing. You say that when the child was eight, there was no denying she was different - but then before that, what were the adults settling as a reason for? If they didn't think she was a different, what were they justifying? Also, you've got people saying that she was different around the time that the accidents starting happening - but they had already accepted she was different by this time, but still took her into their homes "knowing there was nothing to know"? Does that make sense? And why was she left on her own? Didn't she have parents? And if so, how did she survive? If these question the reader, then it's worth considering the questions that the people would have had in the story itself.
Anyway, though. I guess the point of that was to be really careful about how you tell us things - because this is mostly telling, not showing, so far. Nothing wrong with that, just be careful. :wink
I think it would have more effect without the exclamation mark. Just seems more bitter. But your choice.
*is not meaning to be this picky*
...reading on...very good...oh, yes: Why do you say the difference in her from the rest of the children is so subtle, when she's a forty year-old woman? If she looks like a child, don't you think that's worth a note somewhere?
Aaaand we're done. Well, I really liked that story. Seriously. I think your style of writing is excellent; it's clear, tidy, and has an excellent flow to it. I tried to bring out all the specifics in the above. Anyway. Do let me know if/when you post the next part to this story. I am interested in this girl, and I thought the character development was very good indeed - how it changed to Eli'd viewpoint.
As for the small amount of negatives, I just think that this story would benefit from a little more originality. I mean, the story of people being different and taken away from their families has been done so, so much. Harry Potter, as one example. I feel that dropping a few subtle hints to keep the reader interested would be very beneficial.
But yes. Great work. Let me know if you have any questions with what I've said.
Best,
Blinky
I liked it, but there were a couple things that I didn't understand meaning you didn't give me enough information. I don't quite understand where Elizabeth's parents are. Did they die in the fire? Are they just nonexistent? Why is she so upset that she's in school? Is Uncle Benjamin the man in the suit? Why is she different? I was left with a bunch of unanswered quetions or needed clarifications. It was a good story it just needs some clearing up.
Keep writing!