Published December 4, 2009
I haven't written fantasy fiction in a while, so I really need help. Any comment would be appreciated. Thank you for your help!
A lifeless secret - prologue
Breathless, Erin continued to run. The ebony trees around her heckled as her little feet kept rising up, yet touching the same ground. It was useless, the four year old thought while panting.
The cold night air cut through her cheeks, burning her eyes. Mama used to be besotted with the evening's air. But then, Mama used to be besotted with Papa, too, and that didn't last very long.
Erin glanced helplessly at the squalid copse. Her muscles were aching from the running, her short brown hair damp with sweat. It was almost as if she was tethered.
The lank plane around her with its obscene aura stared gormlessly back. Tears choked Erin's throat, but she did not stop trying to escape the indistinguishable leash that held to her throat.
A squire was standing on the other side of the field, his hand tremulously fiddling with a tuber, a restive look about his dark eyes. His long grey coat flapped in the evening's wind, ruffling his dark hair.
Scuffling with her invisible bond, Erin tried to yell for help, however the gentleman doggedly ignored. Erin swallowed her tears. Incantations were no good here, either. The squandered wasteland before her grinned back, almost as if it knew how she felt. Which it might've had, all panic aside.
Erin breathed in the cutting air, shuddering deeply. The man's aura reeked, reminding her somewhat of kipper.
Indiscriminately, the man looked away into the dismal orchard. Hankering for someone to come, Erin realized. She slowed her pace, the jeering of the dead trees now a hum in her ears. He was waiting for someone to come… Erin shook her head feebly. No one would come. He must have known that. He must know there is no cure for our current situation. Erin dragged her little feet further, her breathing shaking. The leash was on too tight. She couldn't escape it… and no one would come. No one but the man in that grey coat, no one would ever, ever come.
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141,611 Literary Works • 675,149 Reviews
i didnt find this very awesome but has potential keep writing its quite interesting though
What are you all talking about? Copse is a word. Isn't it a group of trees or something?
Anyway, great prologue. A little vague, though.
I think this would work better as "...Erin tried to yell for help, but the gentleman doggedly ignored her."
Mm, little short. What about : Erin swalled her tears that ran down her face like raindrops. >.> I don't know, but it sounds better like that.
I don't believe 'copse' is a word. Did you mean corpse?
I love the way you write, it's kind of old-fashioned, with more "antique" words than most will use. It was almost similar to a style of writing I'd see in the early 1900's, as if I was reading an old classic. Great!!!
Exciting hook that makes me a little confused, but at the same time it makes me sort of WANT to understand. The only thing I would change was how you described the thoughts of the four-year-old. Rather than thinking, "This is useless," she'd probably have simpler, almost instinctive thoughts; heart and mind racing, confusion, fear, etc. Either way, I love it and want to read more!
I'm very confused!
To say the least, it was interesting, but I was immensely confused throughout the entire thing. You have to use slightly more common words, words normal teens wouldn't have to go get a dictionary to understand. It sounded like you're from the 1800's or something, no offense or anything, but geez! I mean, what does besotted mean? Is it like infatuated?
Anyway, other than that, I really enjoyed it. I get the feel there's something really special about Erin, and something tells me that squire is important too, but I could be wrong. And yet, despite all this, I don't know what this story is about. Keep writing though, because I'm definitely interested in this. Just remember that you don't have to use huge words to sound impressive, and sometimes keeping things less complex make them even better. Good luck!
A prologue is a part of a story in which you show a tiny part of your plot to reader, or try to make the reader curious about what lies within the story. You succeeded in giving both. One of the best prologues I've ever seen. You captured the attention of the reader and held it till the end of the prologue. A really good quality.
I think a four year old is a little too little to be thinking of such thoughts. These are the thoughts of teenagers and older people. A little four-year old girls would only have the thoughts of pain and fear in her mind right now.
Were you meaning, 'corpse' as 'copse' is not a word.
"Her muscles ached, from running" It seems much better.
Change this to, 'her breath shaking' or 'breathing shakily'
Well, I've nothing more to say, than saying that I was highly impressed. It was really good and waiting to read the whole story.
Good luck.