The first thing she felt was pressure on her arm,
Frowning, she tried pulling it away.
"Easy."
"No..."
Turning to her side now, her stomach lurched, and despite her not moving her body was shaking, she just needed to move, move, her hands can't grip tightly enough and she felt hands pulling her back to the bed and noise, so much noise she can't
It's bright, it's not meant to be bright, it was dark before that doesn't matter there's hands all over her now on every
"Please."
More noise, a soft hum, she regretted speaking there's so much
Get up, just get up please just
There's something cold on her chest, she lurched up but is being held, she can't breathe, stop, why is there so much-
More noise, she can't move, not properly, her legs found the edge of the bed-
-Table
It's held again
Let me go
No reason to talk, they'll just get louder and the hands will start to hurt,
they hurt so much
"Alina."
Her head snapped to the source, but she can't see anything, she can't
her arms were up, when were they up, the bruise on her wrist still hurts it hurts so much
"I'm he..."
She can't hear the rest, who's what-
White coats everywhere, they weren't wearing white, they were wearing black and red and blue, they weren't wearing whi...
The lights start blurring as she can feel pressure pulling her head up, she can't
"Alina...look...at...me."
Look where?
Why is it still bright why-
She felt something brushing her knuckles, but there's no pressure on her hand what's-
"I'm here."
Where?
She can't even move her head, is it up on the ceiling, her body's shaking again, the pressure on both sides of her head is softer she can't hear-
The injection is-
No
No
No
No
No no no no no
"Alina!"
Is someone angry? She's sitting up, when did
There's hands again all over her, she can't
I'll be good, I swear, I just want to go home, I want my bed again I won't yell at Aidan, I'll be good, I'll do my homework just let me go.
"Lina."
Her breath hitches, who called her that before, someone called her that bef-
"My sweet Lin..."
The voice left before she could catch it, but someone used to-
She feels a thumb on her wrist and tries to pull away-
She can feel a hand pushing her hair back, it's soft, it's-
It smells like her perfume, like-
She tried moving her eyes, it's still bright, if she's wrong they might-
"Mom?"
"I'm right beside you."
Right besi-
right beside?
There were different hands on her face and her own hand
Her body stops shaking for a moment before another pressure is being-
She tries to move away, but the same presence is now holding-
Why is she holding her down?
Mom, please, I'll be good, please just make them stop!
Her mouth wouldn't open, yell out, whatever
whenever she'd beg or ask nicely mom would-
"I know...sorry....please just a bit more...Lina...please don't cry"
She's crying?
The lights blurred together to the point she wasn't even sure
Something's wiping her eyes
"I'm so sorry, please please relax, they're trying to help you...I know, I know, you must be..."
Alina could only let out a whine as she slowly felt the noises get quieter.
"That's it, sleep...over soon...rest."
Letting out one last noise in protest,
Her eyes started to feel heavy.
Her breathing slowed down.
The lights dimmed.
And she could see Mom's face again-
No
Her eyes, shining?
Is she going to cr...?
It's my first time, please be nice
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140,939 Literary Works • 673,761 Reviews
Hello there and welcome to YWS! We are so happy to have you.
I normally don't review prose as I tend to be more inclined towards poetry, although that has not always been the case, so I hope I can provide something useful for you here. I was definitely intrigued by the approach you took to writing this piece, as it's pretty different from the normal structure of a story. So, without further ado...
The way you have written this immediately pulls the reader in. It's fast-paced and most definitely fulfills the "stream of consciousness" style of writing. I know some previous reviewers have commented on the grammatical structure as drawing away from the story, but I actually respectfully disagree. I believe the run-on sentences and the distinct lack of punctuation in appropriate places, for example, actually mimic the experience our protagonist is going through. As such, the reader is entirely and immediately immersed in the character's reality. Very cool. I like that a lot.
However, this feels more like a prologue to something or an excerpt from a larger story. I can infer that our protagonist, Alina, is in a hospital and having to be sedated for some reason, but I have so many more questions. I don't think this piece can stand alone because it really is just a snapshot of a moment. That's fine, because your pacing is impeccable and I love the feeling of suspense, of wanting more... So I guess what I'm saying is please write more? Or if you can provide some extra context, the piece could be positioned a little bit better.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this read and I hope you share more with us very soon
Cheers,
Lavvie
Thank you so much for your review!! I'm really glad the stream-of-consciousness style worked for you, especially since that was the main thing I was experimenting with when writing this.
And you're definitely right about it feeling more like a prologue or excerpt than a standalone piece. I mainly wanted to capture this one moment and leave the reader with questions, so I'm really happy that the suspense and feeling of wanting more came through!
There is a lot more context behind what's happening to Alina, so I'm glad I managed to make you curious about it despite how little information I gave 😭
For some context if you'd like it, Alina was kidnapped and her mother saved her(long story I can elaborate if you want) and got her to the hospital, but Alina already had medical trauma from it, hence why she panicks in the hospital. She had to be sedated to help with her pain, and the dose as well as her exhaustion put her under
Thank you again for taking the time to read and review it! I'm really glad you enjoyed the prose and writing style!!
I shall be as nice as I can, while still being truthful ;D
Let's start with the positives. I think you've done really quite a good job with placing us in Alina's head; the disorientation, the surprise, the discomfort, and the confusion are all very well conveyed. To an extent, I believe that the short sentences and the lack of paragraphs really help with this but they're more detrimental than they first appear (we'll get to it). Aside from that, there's really nothing else that stands out.
This is not a negative thing! This is, as you've said, your first time. This takes time and experience, which is why reviews are important. Therefore, let's now talk about where you can improve. And remember this as you read the rest of the review; what I say is not to be mean or cruel or put you down. Rather, I think you show promise but promise without guidance is just pointless.
First issue is that nearly all of your longer, more complex, multi-clausal sentences are very poorly constructed. For instance:
I understand that this is supposed to convey her disorientation, but that does not excuse bad grammar! You can convey disorientation without disorienting the reader. "Turning to her side now, her stomach lurched" is fine. "and despite her not moving her body was shaking, she just needed to..." makes no sense. "her hands can't grip tightly enough and she felt hands pulling her back to the bed and noise, so much noise, she can't" is just terrible sentence construction. You cannot switch tenses! "Can't quite grip tightly enough" is present tense and is then immediately followed, in the same sentence, by "she felt hands", which is past perfect. A better version of this paragraph:
Alternatively, if the present tense is her thinking something and the past tense is objective reality, then that needs to be clarified either by a speech tag (blah blah blah, she thought) or through
italics.
For the rest of the piece I have one suggestion. I understand you're trying to convey confusion, but stop ending your sentences like:
That's just too many sentence fragments. It's a great way of putting the reader in someone's head, but the reader does not need to know every single fragmented thought. At all! Cut back, adopt an external narrator in places, and end properly in 75% of the above lines.
Closing thoughts:
There is great potential here. It just needs a lot of discipline to reach the place it has the potential to. Remember that creativity without discipline is just chaos. A lot of artists, writers, etc. break the rules but they break the rules knowing which rules they break. They are intimately familiar with the rules, and have spent long decades mastering them. Do not break rules before you know them, because if you do the result is unintelligible.
Hey,
First of all thank you for your review, you are right that without guidance potential is useless, that's why I posted it here.
The main reason for the bad grammar is that I was trying out an experimental prose, hence the lack of periods and choppy sentences to convey her panick and disorientation from the point of view from a barely conscious child, but as you said, it does not excuse genuinely unreadable grammar, and rereading it I can understand why
And honestly, your last point makes a lot of sense.
Sorry about the reading experience, and thank you for your review.
Here's to hoping I'll get better
I hope this doesn't read like I'm actively trying to defend my writing or undermine your review, just wanted to reply and thank you, while also explaining some of my reasoning
I promise my other drafts I'm working on are actually following the rules and not unintelligible
Hey, odd.
I'm glad I could help. Please note: I am not trying to be harsh. There is potential here and, with just a little bit of discipline, this story can be really quite good!
And you WILL get better; if you keep practicing, it's inevitable. Besides that, you're pretty good already and your eye for emotional writing is very keen. You've got potential, definitely
Thank you! I really appreciate that, especially the comment about my emotional writing. I'll definitely keep practicing and working on the discipline you mentioned.
And thank you again for taking the time to read it and give such a detailed review!
Hi! First of all, well done!
"and despite her not moving her body was shaking," - I would add a comma after not moving as the first section is extra information so adding a comma would help it to flow better.
I would remove the second move "she needed to move, move,"
Add a "the" to the front of the first noise. the sentence isn't complete - what can't she do?
It feels quite rushed in the way it's written, is that because of the panic in Alina's voice and thoughts?
I think there is great potential here to do something wonderful with this, it's truly a wonderful start! Keep going!!
Thank you so much for the review, I will keep your tips in mind
As for your fourth point, the thought was meant to be uncompleted to show her disorientation.
I will keep in mind to be more careful with my prose😅
And yes! It is meant to be because of Alinas panick.
Again, I can see why it's not clear
Thank you so much for your review!!