She was walking through the snow, she was shivering uncontrollably. All of Joy’s clothes were soaked and she could feel some of them starting to freeze to her body as she made her way through the cold depths of snow that was still falling at a slow and constant rate.
Joy needed to find shelter. Somewhere she could just warm her self for a little bit. Or she knew she was going to die. She had started to walk at a bit of a faster pace hoping that the little strength she put in to walking would warm her up a little bit. When she was walking not paying attention to what she was doing she saw a snow flake land on her nose. When she went to brush the snow flake off her nose, her arm wouldn’t move. A sense of panic set in. Joy tried to move her fingers. They wouldn’t move. Then she began to lose feeling in her legs. The panic left now, and the feeling of panic was replaced by the feeling of despair. She let her body take over. She knew she was going to die. So, why bother trying to live? Her legs gave in and Joy fell to the ground. Her body felt heavy as she her face lay half in the snow. Her eyes began to get heavy. Her face was half covered in snow, but all she saw was the black depths of her tortured mind.
****
“Do you think she’ll be okay?” Asked a rough voice male voice, there was a mumbled response. Joy tried to sit up but the pain rushed to her head. She gave out an unstable moan. “Shhh…… lay back down.” Said the male voice again, with out lifting her head Joy managed to roll over onto her back rather than her stomach.
“I’m in trouble aren’t I?” She asked the boy as she gazed at the ceiling.
“Yes, you are. What where you thinking going out into the snow drift, like that? Are you crazy?” Joy had now figured out that the rough male voice was Nick. He sounded as if he had been crying. That was why she didn’t know it was him right away.
“Are… you alright?” Joy asked unsure if he was mad at her or not.
“Am I alright?!” Nick burst out. “My twin sister is lying in front of me half dead and she asks’ me if I’m alright!” He was pacing the room now. His face bright red with many different emotions, he looked as though he may explode with anger at any minuet.
“Nick I’m sorry! I know it was a stupid thing to do but I can’t stand it here any longer!” Joy yelled out. “I don’t know what little thing they will do next that will make me want to pull another stupid thing like that!”
“Another!” Nick bellowed. “I don’t want you doing another thing like this!” Nick stopped pacing and sat down in the chair across from the bed that Joy was laying in. “Joy I don’t know how much more I can take.”
“Of what?”
“Of this, us fighting all the time, you running away, me having to watch over all these people, how Minus is at my neck every five seconds always trying to get me to start wars with other countries. I don’t know how I do it all sometimes.” Joy felt a brief sadness for her brother. They may be twins but he took most of the responsibilities that Joy was sure she could never handle. But because she didn’t take on being the queen she was put as princess of Brigal. So Nick took the role of being King, after both there Aunt and Uncle died in a bloody raid of there camp a few month’s back. So if anything ever did happen to Nick, Joy would take over as queen.
That scared her. Joy wasn’t good with people. She wasn’t good at telling people what to do, she couldn’t even get some of the servants’ children to pick up there toys after they were done playing, let alone tell over a million people what to do! But, what Joy tried not to think about and still did was, what if she did loose Nick? What if he went to war one day and never came back. He was the only family she had. Joy didn’t know what she would do if she lost him. “What time is it?” Joy asked not realizing until then how tired she really was.
“Almost four in the morning, you were unconscious for almost six hours” Her twin said in a flat voice.
“You should go get some rest; we have a big day ahead of us.” Joy said hinting that, that same night they would both celebrate a very big occasion in Brigal. There twentieth birthday.
Nick said nothing. He left the room, his ominous foot steps echoing down the stone corridors of the infirmary. As Joy laid there in her bed, she began to wonder how the rest of the day would turn out. And she had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be good.
****
Later that morning Joy woke up feeling tip top. Which was strange considering she was half dead earlier that very same morning. “Excuse me.” She yelled to a passing made. The made glanced in her direction but kept going. She tried again this time putting power and strength into her voice. “You there, come here !” This time the maid came keeping her eyes low to the ground, she looked like a small child who was about to be punished.
Her white-blond hair fell into her eyes, as she kept her face down. “Yes, Princess Joy?”
“Please have a hot bath ready for me when I go to my room, and also have my nicest dress ready for me when I get out. Thank you that is all.” Joy said with a dismiss of her hand, sending her made off. Her foot stops echoing down the long corridors
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hi! This is Rachael, come to review your marvelous novel! :) I'm excited to read this, since I've been waiting for Review day to be over so that you could post it (I know that was yesterday, but I'm a bit impatient). Most of what I'm about to say are opinions and are given based off of the assumption that this is a first draft and is eventually going to be revisited for a major edit (as all novels go through). My changes are in red. And something that needs to be fixed/edited is in bold. I usually offer an explanation as to why it's in bold, unless it's obvious what the mistake is. So on to the nitpicks:
Would sound better if you put "She was walking through the snow, shivering uncontrollably." This way, you're not using "she" too many times.
I'm not sure I like this sentence. It could be better if you mixed it around to,"She knew she was going to die if she didn't." or something similar.
You use "little" twice here. Consider changing one to "small" or something else.
You use "panic" twice in this sentence. Maybe change it around to something like, "The panic left now, replaced by the feeling of despair." Or to something else of your choice. You're the writer, of course.
As Confused.pirate already mentioned, these sentences just repeat the same facts over again and you use some of the same words.
You seem to have some trouble with proper dialogue punctuation. This is a site that's really helped me on this: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic44898.html
How did she just now figure out that the voice belonged to Nick? Didn't she have her eyes open?
This seems like an info-drop. Maybe bring it up that they're twins later into the chapter or novel.
Aha! *Fist shoots in the air in triumph* This is the perfect place to first bring up that they're twins. I suggest that you cut out the first one that I brought up earlier.
If you're going to capitalize "King" then keep it consistent and capitalize "Queen" as well.
First off, you overuse her name in this paragraph. That becomes a little annoying after a while. Also, this is an example of where you switch on and off on your tenses. I'm confused as to which tense you've chosen. Past, maybe?
It seems like he would still have emotion in him, not a flat voice. He was just being passionate before, so why would it suddenly stop?
It seems like he would offer one last warning not to run off again, don't you think?
You use "morning" twice. Maybe it'd sound better if you said, "Which was strange considering she was half dead a few mere hours ago." Or something to your liking. Also, it seems quite bold of the maid to ignore the princess (or future Queen) and quite unlikely.
Maybe you meant "steps" here?
Overall, a very nice story you have here. I enjoyed the plot and the characters! If you just look at my nitpicks, you'll see a pattern on the things that need improvement. I loved reviewing this, and can't wait to review the next pieces in your enchanting story! Keep posting them, because I'll definitely be reviewing them! :D
Rachael
Thanks! That's all stuff that I will go over (the maid thing I thought I did but I guess I forgot to!) Haha thanks!
Hello! I'm Sara and I will be reviewing your story today
First, with the grammar/structure etc:
I feel like the "to" could be removed, also that the second bold segment could be switched around to flow a bit more. Maybe say "through the cold depths of snow slowly falling at a constant rate". Also consider making this into more than one sentence, seems a bit of a run-on.
Fragment. Try and combine with the previous sentence.
Another fragment. Might want to remove the "or" and put "If she didn't find shelter, she knew..." etc.
This seems very wordy, try to eliminate some unneeded words to make it more clear and flow easier.
This seems to be a bit repetitive. I like the very last segment with "tortured mind," but you mentioned "heavy" twice and the fact that her face was half covered with snow.
Remove the first "voice."
Without is one word, and you can remove "rather than her stomach" because it's already implied she's not going to be on her stomach when she flips over.
Remove the apostrophe.
It should be "their" instead of "there"
Remove the "and" to make it more effective and a complete sentence.
Wrong version, should be "maid" instead.
Combine these two sentences, the second one is a fragment. Also remember to put a period at the end.
In all:
Very interesting, it'll be interesting to see what you have in store for these two royal characters. I like the creativity and the idea, just make sure you do a bit more proof reading and you're ready to go!
Keep writing!
<3 Sara.