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The Journey of Acceptance: Hope- Chapter 1

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This was originally the prologue but I changed it to the first chapter after someone pointed out that it wasn't actually a prologue.

Chapter 1

Zajanah

The snow was falling around me, melting into my winter clothing. It wasn’t as cold as the month before but that wasn’t saying much in Sonare. Spring and summer in Sonare, the winter land of Malarean, didn’t happen very often as the grey of the clouds eternally shadows the sun with its frozen hands. So, therefore, snow sometimes never left the icy, barren lands leaving it an unwelcoming place for those of weak will. Though not to me, I loved my homeland with its snow-capped mountains that pierced the now fluffy white clouds. The river Nana, which was frozen over almost all the time, sat proudly in the Valley of Souls. Brightly coloured fish decorated in the lake’s frozen depth, they were the unfortunates from the last thaw.

There were trees surrounding me like a mob of twisted humans, their arms stripped bare of leaves showing their crooked fingers. They didn’t scare me anymore but they used to when I first came here, afraid and alone. There had been a storm that day. A storm so strong, that I had been separated from my brother and father, ending up here.

I was unable to see the tent town that was my home as the snow got into my green eyes and the mist of the storm clouded all things from my vision. On a normal day, the tent town stood out like a tall tanned man in a crowd of small pale people, piecing the view with its structures of tough leathers and wooden poles. My predecessor’s statues stood proudly in amongst the tents. All of the chiefs that had come before my father had been carved into stone as would my father when the time came.

This ledge I stood upon was my favourite place to be, it looked out across the country I loved. It was bright and clear today, the recently fallen snow amplifying the light. It was so bright that I could see far in the west to the neighbouring clan and to the east where the frost wolves lived, their grey bodies little specks in the distance. I circled around trying to see other things that took my breath away then I notice it.

A flower.

A very magnificent violet rose. Even in the other countries of Malarean they were rare but here where the cold seized life for its satisfaction, you’d be lucky to see one in a whole millennium. Okay, so that’s a bit extreme, more like every other century. I ran towards it, momentarily forgetting what I happened to be running on. Ice! My body fell forward, my feet slipping desperately on the ice to try and regain the balance I had lost. I paid the price for my stupidity; I went slamming into the merciless surface, my body made contact with a loud thump.

“Ouch,” I whispered to myself, clutching at my bruised ribs, a searing pain in my ribs that I hoped wasn’t too horrifying. I looked up and was met by the most exquisite flower. It was even prettier up close. Its colour so radiant, its petals had such a beautiful, flawless, perfect shape. It was truly the most enchanting flower I had ever seen, even if I hadn’t seen many flowers.

“It’s a Zajanah, a mountain flower that blooms despite the cold.”

My attention turned quickly away from the flower, no longer in my mind.

Footsteps.

Big footsteps.

Big, large footsteps stomping the fine fresh snow with heavy feet. It was meant to be quiet but well… it wasn’t. Someone was being dumb, very dumb. Was it a beast? Yes, it explained the heavy footstep so unlike the men of this country. I concentrated on keeping my breath study and my body calm as it moved with slow sluggish movements. The footsteps became louder and louder until the thing was behind me… slashing out at me. Moving a split second later, the claws missed me by a mere inch. I landed in the snow, the cold penetrating my gloves cosy warmth.

The adrenalin pumped through my body giving me the feeling of exhilaration. Everything around me went into slow motion, the thrill of the fight causing a silent peace in my mind. I moved and dodged each attack with the grace of a hawk in a winter storm. However, the beast was so fast that I just barely missed each surprisingly skillful attack; the effort involved was draining my strength, my dodges becoming slower, more predictable.

Eventually, an attack hit its mark. My arm flared up in pain. Crimson liquid welled between my fingers spilling over my white pale skin.

My blood!

I needed to get away from this beast before I became unstable from blood loss, not far in the distance I noticed a close cluster of trees that would do as a temporary resting place. I need to distract the beast, make him look the other way while I ran. My hands moved across the ground, searching for something, anything that I could use. Fingers sliding across the smooth surface of a rock; I picked it up when the beast prepared to strike again, throwing the rock in the opposite direction hoping to distract the stupid beast. Running as soon as the beast turned its head I made it to the tree before it even realised it.

My jacket made a tearing sound as I ripped off a section of the material and applied it to my wound in order to stop the blood flowing. Finally, I was able to catch my breath, returning to the battle. The stupid thing was still looking around for me. Now was my chance! While its back was turned I slammed my foot into its back. The snow made a crushing sound, sinking beneath the beast’s weight as I pinned it to the floor and looked down at its face.

But it wasn’t a beast.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Ninlil
Review
Ninlil wrote a review · Sun Nov 27, 2016 3:30 pm

Happy to have discovered the first chapter after reading your prologue. Again I have to say your language is excellent. The flow is smooth and your descriptions rewarding. I can see the snow covered mountains clearly in front of me. Well done!

Let's come to the plot. The speed was good, the introduction might have been a little long, yet it was not outright off-turning. Shortening some sentences might help, but it is not necessary.

The only thing that felt a little too odd was the fight with the 'beast'.

I concentrated on keeping my breath study and my body calm as it moved with slow sluggish movements.
Especially this sentence. What do you mean with 'breath study'? Is there a definition of study I am not aware of? Also, why is he/she suddenly moving sluggishly?
The 'beast' in itself left me extremely confused. Also if there is a reason to keep it vague at least give the reader a rough description. Otherwise, it leaves you with a disoriented feeling.

All other unanswered questions were no problem, as it is only the first chapter. And the cliffhanger, in the end, was perfect.
So to conclude... let's just say you'll finde my review under your second chapter.

Ah, thank you! :)

Heyo, heyo. Just here for a review. Please take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Before I talk about the story itself, I have to point out a couple of problems.

Run-on sentences: One of the easiest one to catch is "It was bright and clear today, the recently fallen snow amplifying the light, so bright that I could see far in the west to the neighbouring clan and to the east where the frost wolves lived, their grey bodies little specks in the distance."

This could be split into two sentences instead of being merged into a long, murky sentence, especially when it's talking about two different things. Other sentences can be shorten so it can roll right off the tongue. Ex. "the grey clouds" instead of "the grey of the clouds."

Continuing with the longevity, these paragraphs could use a break as well.

Figure of speech: I like the metaphors here for the most part. This is mainly a nitpick but when in a battlefield, describing dodging like a "grace of a butterfly on the summer breeze" doesn't bring the tension. Try for something more intimidating or an hunter animal (like a hawk).

Typos: This doesn't seemed proofread before posted. I notice repeats ("no longer in my in my mind" "crimson red liquid"), a break in tense ("I circled around... when I notice it."), and misspellings ("piecing" "skilful")

The info dump towards the beginning isn't necessary. Unless it is dire for the readers to know for the next chapter, it can be spaced out. It's alright to call it just a river and avoid saying Valley of the Souls. These can be said later when it becomes relevant.

What is this beast? Should describe it what it looks like. For the most part, it's a beast that is stupid and has claws. At a point, she calls it a bear, then towards the end says it's not a beast. What makes it look like a beast before she knocks it down? Also, how strong is Zajanah if she can easily step on it and pin it down?

I saw the description of chapter 1 and it said, "continuation of the prologue" which wouldn't make this a prologue. This would be chapter 1 and the next should be chapter 2. A prologue is separate from the story. It's a separate introduction to what the plot actually is.

Anyways...

There isn't much to say about the story now that I think about it. The events is a girl finding a flower, falling down, and fighting a beast. No actual big plot yet.

The writing is very "telling" and not "showing." It's not engaging enough. Sometimes it's alright to tell the reader, but it's hard to grasp this beast if "beast" is the only word being fed to us. What makes it so intimidating? What makes it so strong, so fast? How big is it?

If the reader isn't in touch with the world, it makes us feel distant. Why should we care?

Other than that, pretty average. Could be improved with proofreading (perhaps a reading on how to write a battle scene) and linked with another chapter consider how short it is (this isn't much for the reader to hang on).

Hope you find something useful in my gibberish writing. I'll be off to my cave to hide now :]

Okay, you seriously need to work on your review skills. I probably will take you some of your advice like the typos, sentence structure and better improving my battle scene. However, some of things are done for a reason. The beast is meant to be vague and there isn't really an info dump it is part of the description. Also, never ever tell some their writing is "pretty average". Do you know how much that hurts? A lot, like waterfalls erupted from my eyes. Lucky for you I'm someone who crys and gets over it but not many people are like that. I'm a young writer, I have only been writing for 3 years, my first draft of a piece isn't going to compare to a published writer who has twenty years experience and 10 books under their belt. Sorry for the rant had to get that off my chest.

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DeadlyAF Review

Hey there! Great work! You captured my attention from the very beginning. I liked how you described the place the protagonist lived in before plunging into the story. It gives us an idea of what the protagonist's life must be like and helps us connect with him. I also liked the beautiful scene it was set in. It was really magical. Although there's some confusion in who said the line “It’s a Zajanah, a mountain flower that blooms despite the cold.” I mean was it the protagonist who thought/ said it or was it someone else? But other than that I thought it was great! Keep up the good work! ^.^

Ah thank you! She says, "It's Zajanah" just to herself, I'll put an "I said" after it so that it is more clear :)



Even strength must bow to wisdom sometimes.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief