Young Writers Society

Heiyo, occymay! Artemis28 from Fantastic Beasts on this fine Review Day!

What drew me in was the title, so you can pride yourself on that. The Journey of Acceptance sounds very impressive. Readers like good titles, you know.

I have a small nitpick about repetition. You say "only a matter of time" twice in two sentences, which is one too many times to be comfortable. I suggest "it wouldn't be long coming" or something like that.

"It was only a matter of time until the next step was complete. Once that happened it would only be a matter of time."

This sentence has two things I want to point out. First of all, always ALWAYS write out numbers. Say "hundreds" and "thousands." If you think about it, it's not that hard. And "subject," the very last word, should be plural.

"In that kind of mood, he would end up killing 100’s, if not 1000s, of his subject."

In addition, be mindful of your vocabulary and try not to use "things" as often. Search for new, more fitting words to replace it.

There is more repetition later--with words like "kick and shout" and "creature." Remember, repetition can be powerful in poems, but not always in chapters or short stories.

In the middle of the story, you suddenly switch to the point of view of the man's. Keeping a consistent point of view while writing a book chapter or poem is vital. At least, put something to let us know that it is the man's thoughts. It can be very disconcerting to the reader to have to adjust to another perspective.

The ending was great (except for the ellipses--just use a period), if I do say so myself. Kudos to you on that one. Suspense and mystery were used at the same time, which is a nice accomplishment.

Keep up the good work! If you felt this review was too harsh, let me know. I hope I helped!

XOX,
Artemis28
Fantastic Beasts

Heiyo, occymay! Artemis28 from Fantastic Beasts on this fine Review Day!

What drew me in was the title, so you can pride yourself on that. The Journey of Acceptance sounds very impressive. Readers like good titles, you know.

I have a small nitpick about repetition. You say "only a matter of time" twice in two sentences, which is one too many times to be comfortable. I suggest "it wouldn't be long coming" or something like that.

"It was only a matter of time until the next step was complete. Once that happened it would only be a matter of time."

This sentence has two things I want to point out. First of all, always ALWAYS write out numbers. Say "hundreds" and "thousands." If you think about it, it's not that hard. And "subject," the very last word, should be plural.

"In that kind of mood, he would end up killing 100’s, if not 1000s, of his subject."

In addition, be mindful of your vocabulary and try not to use "things" as often. Search for new, more fitting words to replace it.

There is more repetition later--with words like "kick and shout" and "creature." Remember, repetition can be powerful in poems, but not always in chapters or short stories.

In the middle of the story, you suddenly switch to the point of view of the man's. Keeping a consistent point of view while writing a book chapter or poem is vital. At least, put something to let us know that it is the man's thoughts. It can be very disconcerting to the reader to have to adjust to another perspective.

The ending was great (except for the ellipses--just use a period), if I do say so myself. Kudos to you on that one. Suspense and mystery were used at the same time, which is a nice accomplishment.

Keep up the good work! If you felt this review was too harsh, let me know. I hope I helped!

XOX,
Artemis28
Fantastic Beasts

I'm guessing that the king has some sort of power to steal another's youth. I liked how you used the descriptions to show what he was doing rather than outright saying something. I found a few grammar mistakes and spelling, but other than that, I can't really say much else. "ruff" should be "rough". Just little things like that.

This Prolog is a nice blend of darkness and a crisp, subtle kind of humor. I like the way the main focus was on an evil character and that his thoughts were presented in a relatable way. Another positive element was the end that left lots of question wich motivates me, as the reader to continue reading the story. What left me slightly confused was the narration. At the beginning, it appears to be the third person but later in the 6. paragraph you also show the dying man's thoughts. I see why it is necessary, as the reader gets a picture of the King through him, however, it would be neat if you could make it clear that it is Omniscient from the start.

I am really satisfied by your language. Whilst reading I did not notice any glitches or awkward formulations. I suppose you could address more senses. Is the cave damp or dry? Does the King have a distinctive odor? Things like that.

poking through his think leather clothing.