She hated anything that reminded her of who she was.
because her tongue used to sting, it was the kind of poison
that would swim deep through the skin, right to the veins,
it was vital, it made you weak.
her stare would cripple you, those black eyes, so huge it felt as if they
weighed heavy on you.
intended or not, she would make you choke on every word she said.
it made me scared, mostly because i couldn't stop her.
it was impossible to stop the venom, the flow was effortless,
it needed no aid to the heart, it struck over and over again
it lacked any compassion, any warmth.
once she would get to the source of your ache, she'd pick at it,
she'd squeeze and twist and even mock you with her lips,
they'd curve around the edges, her innocent dimples would show.
i couldn't stop her, she was angry and filled with hate.
nothing ever came out the way she expected it to be, she lead
a life of self-loathing, it lead her to madness.
i just stood there and watched as she attacked the most purest of things
a weak soul that was tired of long hours of work...
but i stood there and saw how the old lady watched her fingers and hung her head
low.
she yelled louder and louder, soon it felt as if she was on mute,
i could only see the old lady, already wrinkling away, she stared at her
daughter and took on all the hate that her child threw at her.
The old woman stood there and didn't say a word,
and i just watched, i couldn't be tamed.
i'm sorry.
My grammar/punctuation is really bad, thanks for any feedback xo
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hm.. i think this piece has got potenital. It's powerful and full of imagery..
Though it's a bit much as it is.. try split the text in to stanzas and shorten the lines or make them in to two. Also, I'm missing a few capitals. The previous reviewer said that this could be turned in to a short story and I agree, cause it kinda what it feels like. I can't really find the poetic part of this as it ^^ But still, this is a good poem, just add some order in it!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Holy djidoalsksmd. That was really good.
And I won't pick at your punctuation, you already caught that.
My only thing is that I feel like there are some excess words, just little ones though like unnecessary 'ands' and whatnot they I would cut. I would try to cut down as much as possible actually. ( this could actually be my own personal writing style talking but still )
But either way this is amazing, so powerful. I loved the POV and it was so unique, a whole different take on the subject.
You could actually turn this into a short story, one written in a more poetic voice.
SO good.
You have very good imagery, I love that!
I suggest you change the period to a comma other than that and few other that were pointed out. I loved it!
You have a very powerful piece there, it seems to ooze emotion. You have a lot of imagery (Which is very good.) and this piece definitely inspires emotion, which is key in most poetry. As for your punctuation/grammar here are some tips
At the end of the first line, i would change the period to a comma, and after sting place a period.
I would rephrase it. Maybe put another comma after huge, and take out it felt. So it's just "so huge, as if they weighed heavily on you."
Sounds a little awkward. Try "once she got to the source of your ache"
Other than that, i'm very impressed with your poem. One of the more powerful pieces i've read today, so a job well done!