Published March 23, 2008
...GONE...
As the tear's of love roll down my cheeks,
the wind howl's at the mid-night moon as if you are still here.
The rain patters down upon my cheeks and the feeling in the night air all seems missed.
The long cut grass whispers your name.
The river stream flows across the land and all is beautiful.
I wish you were here to witness this magnificent view.
But your spirit flies on through the clouds,
were I want to be; were I know I'll be safe in your arms.
I watched that blooded blade cut through you over and over again.
I screamed and cried your name.
But his friends held me down and it hurt to watch what he was doing to you.
It's been a eight months since I watched you die, and held you softly in my arms. I'll listen every year as the clock strikes mid-night.
To the rain, to the wind, to the music of your name.
Our first born child will have your name,
he's coming soon, into this cruel world, that took you away from me, but I'll tell him about you.
How you held me and made me giggle, I'll tell him.
I promise.
So as I sit and continue to listen to your name howling in the wind, and watch your face fall with the rain into the flowing river.
I know in my heart I'll see you soon.
Life's to short to live.
I love you and always will, my love.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
It's not the best poem in the world but it isn't the worst. Sorry I don't have much more to say.
It's vivid, and that's a good start. I suggest that you should break some of the lines in half, especially the one that starts off: "It's been eight months since..." because that's more a line of prose than poetry...besides that the poem was fine.
First of great imagery. And you brought out the emotions very well.
The kinks:
Maybe it's just me. But,
These two lines are rather confusing. They don't really make sense. read it loudly and slowly. Yea it sounds beautiful but it really means nothing and makes no sense.
long cut? I thought when crass gets cut it isn't too long anymore.
again this might be just me, but i think this line sounds rather awkward. Read it out loud and see if you can work it out.
Maybe lose the 'but' and write 'I'll tell him about you' in a new line???
oh and it's ok to sometimes be vague in poetry, like we don't have to know that its been exactly 8 moths since he left her.
other than that good job!
keep writing
-icy,