sunshine

Hello rose here to write a review.



I hope you are having a great day/night.



I enjoyed reading your poem.
My favourite lines are,
"i still feel my roots in the weeping willow,".

The only feedback that I would share is that I wish you described how and why the girl transformed so I could travel on that journey. It would have been very helpful to read about why and how she became happy.


I feel like you are writing about how they see so much beauty in the world despite the pain. That being said I think that the metaphor "weeping willow" was showing how you grow and mature.


This was a very beautiful poem and what's above is me nitpicking so don't take anything too seriously because overall this was a very beautiful piece and I hope to see more work from you.



Have a great Day!


~rose

Hello nykolasandrews! I love this poem you wrote. I hope the review I leave is helpful, and I hope you know that imagery is, absolutely, your forte! Incredible job my friend! Also remember that every critique I make is my own opinion, and you don't have to agree with me!

Firstly I'll start with what I loved. The imagery you use of lavenders growing in the crevices of people's smiles, made ME smile! Such a beautiful way to describe it. I also loved the imagery of leaves of a weeping willow growing from a shy girl. I thought that was quite the impactful use of imagery! It made something near and dear to my heart (a struggle with shy-ness) seem so beautiful even in the midst of it. Great job!

Now on to things I think would help this poem become even more impactful:

"imagery is not my forte,
but i want everyone to see
what i see

i want people to see
the happiness i've seen
but so poorly articulate

have you ever seen the lavenders blossoming
in the crevices of everyone's smiles?
and the sunshine in people's eyes?"

In the above three stanzas, you use the word "see" and "seen" a lot. I think by replacing one or two of these with another word, you could greatly increase the flow of this section. Maybe saying instead, "i want people to see/the happiness i've known". Then perhaps you could say, "have you ever experienced the lavenders blossoming/in the crevices of everyone's smiles?"

Ok, the next little critique I have is this stanza:

"i'm strong and happy
and i've never seen so much beauty before
everyone i look, there's just more"

Did you mean to put "everywhere"? If not, I recommend saying "everyone I look at" or replacing it with another word. This is just a little critique though, and easily fixable!

My interpretation of this poem is that the author is writing about how they see so much beauty in the world despite the pain, and how they've grown from their own pain and want people to see the beauty as well. I think your imagery helped this message a lot! One thing I would suggest is perhaps going more in depth with your imagery and descriptions. Maybe talk about the sting from the spiders of the parents, the hot warmth from the sunshine in people's eyes, the strength and vitality of the vines that connect you, etc. etc. I would also go into more detail about the girl with the weeping willow growing out of her. I think this is where the poem shifts from describing what you see to describing who you used to be and what you've gone through and how that has changed your perspective. I think going into more detail on this part would help strengthen the shift in ideas. Of course, going into more detail might mess up the formatting you have here with the three lines for each stanza, but this is just my suggestion.

I love how you ended the poem with accepting how the author will always be that girl, but now you see the sunshine and lavenders and love in your life. This is a very relatable message, and it really lifted my heart when I read it. You have a talent here and I could feel the love through this poem! I'm excited to see where your gift takes you. Keep writing!

-ella

Hey there!
This is a beautiful poem, and I wasn't expecting it from the title, which was a pleasant surprise. It portrays emotions beautifully, and really engages the reader. Good job! I have a couple of small critics, and of course, these are all suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them

"imagery is not my forte,
but i want everyone to see
what i see

i want people to see
the happiness i've seen
but so poorly articulate"
You repeat the words "see" and "seen" several times throughout these two stanzas. I would try to replace some of them to get rid of the repetition.

"have you ever seen the lavenders blossoming
in the crevices of everyone's smiles?
and the sunshine in people's eyes?"
I would personally just have one question mark at the end of the last line and take out the one after "smiles"

"there's snakes and spiders
emanating from the hands and mouths
of abusive parents and lovers"
I believe it's supposed to be "there're" instead of "there's" because what you are referring to is plural (snakes and spiders).

These are just small suggestions. Overall, this is an amazing and lovely poem. You did a really nice job
Keep writing! <3

Hello,
"Weeping Willows".
It would have made a "full on" if the name would have been this or something that that brings out nostalgia. Every metaphor that you have used here was stitched together till the end but that of weeping willows was a personal favorite. Though that part of "weeping willows growing from a girl" was something odd but the rest of the poem was quite a garden.
It literally justifies your original statement that that you want people to see happiness but somehow the next potion brings out the opposite.

"there are vines that grow
from the love between
friends and loved ones"

In this part, there are vines of love between friends and loved ones. I think you were suggesting that there is connection between you and friends :likewise you and your loved ones
Thanks

Hello there! I'm here to review your work.

When I first saw the title of this poem, I assumed it would focus on sunshine as a metaphor for happiness. Instead, I was thoroughly impressed and surprised by the metaphors you actually used. I think sunshine still works as a great title, but it was nice seeing a new take on it.

I think my biggest critique of your poem is that it almost feels like two separate poems. I have a very similar poetic style to yours - it's more like prose than poetry, and often is on the longer side. Something that's helped me figure out what to include in my poems when editing them is thinking of what stanzas I don't need to tell a story. If you do an exercise like that with your poem, the first five stanzas aren't as necessary for telling the story. The sixth through twelfth stanzas are enough to tell the reader the story of your growth.

Another thing that isn't as necessary - this time from repetition - is the last stanza. You actually do a great job conveying that point with the imagery you used in the previous two stanzas. The reader knows that you're still connected to your roots, but is also able to see how beautiful you are through the lavenders, sunshine and vines.

Critiques aside, I really relate to the message in the second half of your poem. I was in a very similar place before, and I'm constantly amazed by how much I've grown since then. If this poem is based on your own personal experiences, I'm happy you were able to find happiness.

The connection you drew to nature also hit me hard - I've found a lot of comfort in nature lately, and I was able to vividly imagine what you described. This stanza in particular was my favorite:

now there's lavender growing around me
and sunshine beams down on me
and i'm covered in vines

HEY nykolasandrews, I love how you take a visual approach to describe emotions that are often invisible. People are generally reluctant to feel publicly which is strange because emotions are universal, everyone feels them and everyone hides them. It's like we are embarrassed of the most human thing the ability to feel. I really like that you say that both beauty and sadness are overbearing and sometimes incapacitating but therein lies the wonder of this world. The world is a beautiful gigantic mess much like the people it inhabits and this poem captures it wonderfully. I love the line "I still feel my roots in the weeping willow" it captures the pain of growing up and moving on. The poem feels therapeutic and nostalgic. keep writing.

Okay, wow!

I really the way you choose to see things in others. And even if you are "connected to the weeping willow", you know you have matured and grown up fine when you take a look at yourself and choose to see good in others no matter how the world is. I know less people like you because you're one of a kind.

The beginning stanza was really good as you want to share your perspective. The way you have connected nature into your poem as metaphors is amazing!

"maybe that's why
i can see what i see"
I could really feel my emotions bursting out (sorry for the exaggeration) from the lines above. I like the fact that you know what caused you to be like this, the girl "who sits in the back of class" and who doesn't want to get noticed, adds to a reason that you could make beautiful observations by being alone and taking the your time to appreciate even the littlest of the things.
"i don't feel like i have to be invisible" I think this line is strong. To 'feel' not to be excluded is something not everyone can do. Everyone can feel out of the place but only some make the efforts to be exactly right in. The sames goes with the lines below;
"but that doesn't mean
i'm not beautiful"

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece of yours! Beautiful poem indeed! Looking forward to read more of your works. Keep writing!

Best wishes,
I