Published December 2, 2011
Funny how when I try to get better
I move ten steps back.
My own personal hater,
fighting an internal vendetta,
negatively criticising.
But the more I beat myself up,
with these cold,hard words,
control quickly flees from my grip.
My vision gets bleary
I'm constantly weary
I am going crazy
So out of control!
These words weigh me down - oh so heavy!
Why am I so foolish?
When will they love me?
Faster than I can throw myself the next punch,
I find that I have moved way off track.
My purpose - lost
My hope - all gone
Insanity - imposed
My heart beats but I am dead.
Me - my worst enemy - I dread.
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140,496 Literary Works • 673,252 Reviews
Ack, we can be our worst enemies, can't we?
As far as this goes... I think it might be better if you added some external conflict to this poem! Right now, you have a lot of internal conflict. That is, it's all about what happens inside the narrator's head. Though the narrator alludes to outside forces, it is mostly a problem inside her head... and image that is further reinforced through the narrator wondering whether s/he is actually crazy. So, the conflict here is really internal.
But, I think it should be more external. Okay, so she's doubting her sanity and wondering if she is in fact crazy. And she makes mistakes. But really... how bad can it be? By showing us how she struggles with the challenges that she is presented with (in a poetic way, of course) and bringing us, the reader, a little more into what is going on outside the insanity, we might be more willing to agree with her. If we saw a glimpse about how she failed, we would understand why she is so upset.
I don't know... the poems I liked best were the ones that basically explained the thing that tormented them in a strange way. So, the torment gets emphasized. Right now, it's the post-torment stuff that is emphasized. But I think the torment being described would help add to the drama and really make this better.
I like the idea of the poem but I don't really like how it didn't rhyme at first until the second stanza and then it didn't much after that I think it kind of sounds like a song more than a poem and that's how nicely it flows.
I found this stanza to be the best although you seem to have punctuation after every line, the isn't needed, there should only be a coma or a period at natural pauses. I suggest making it into one long paragraph and the splitting it up at natural pauses rather than trying to make it a poem in one blow.
Other than that good job and keep up the good work.
Hi guys!
Thank you for reviewing my work. I edited it so I hope it's better.
Hi, Nyiiri! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.
I like this poem. It's strong and it portrays what you're trying to say very clearly. However, there are some things about it that I don't like as much; I'm going to give you a few options as to how to improve them. Remember, this is just my opinion; if you don't agree with my suggestions, feel free to disregard them. At the end of the day, your opinion of your work is what matters.
The first thing I did when editing this stanza was to make sure that it was capitalized properly. The first word of each line doesn't need to be in caps; it only needs to be capitalized if it would be if what you were writing was written as a normal sentence, not in poetry.
If I were to change the actual wording of this stanza, I might consider deleting the sixth line entirely. Frankly, I don't feel like it contributes to the poem. Also, you used the words 'on track' again during the rest of the poem, and I felt like deleting it here would be appropriate. This brings me to my next area of criticism: the usage of words over and over throughout your poem.
In lyric poetry, it's acceptable to utilize repetition. However, the repetition must come off feeling purposeful, not like you couldn't think of a better word and so chose to reuse one that you'd already used. For instance, in the last three lines of the stanza I edited above, you used the word 'more' twice. I would consider deleting one of the times you used it and replacing it with another word. That way, your writing will be interesting and won't feel overdone or done already.
All in all, very nice piece. Always keep writing! I hope to see more from you in the future!
-Rose
I really like this, it's so powerful and so easy to relate to. I loved the casual rhymes and structure, it made it feel more natural and honest.
"My purpose - lost
My hope - all gone
Insanity - imposed
My heart beats but I am dead.
Me - my worst enemy - I dread."
These were my favourite lines because the parallelism of them really emphasizes the different emotions.
Loved it!
Wow! For being so short, that packed a lot of emotion and story into it!! I loved it! I don't exactly know how to review lyrics. Lol. So I'm just going to say that this was really good! I hope that you keep up the good work and post more on here!!
Well, keep on writing!!!
--Jalmoc