Published April 3, 2010
I totally forgot. It hurt me more than ever that I did. I got depressed and was ever in a foul mood. I ate to make myself feel better,but that never worked. I watched t.v so as to have a good laugh. It didn't work either. And all this was because I forgot.
I had reached the brink of sadness and depression. I went outside too overcome by emotion. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I looked up as a plea for help. I smiled. Then laughed. Then cried some more. But this time it wasn't tears of sorrow, it tears of letting go. I was letting go of the sorrow.
When I looked up, searching for help, I found beauty, love and God all over again. The moon was shining so bright like a commanding sergeant with its troop, the stars. I thought to myself that the moon and stars were made for me with love . And I had forgotten! I had forgotten the natural beauty that is always around me, the beautiful people that helped shape me and the faith that I needed to strengthen me.
After so many weeks of being lost, I felt found. I knew that I had to rebuild all the broken bridges that linked me to other people, I had to build the one that linked me to me. I had to begin to believe in the unseen, appreciate everyone and everything around me. I had to learn to take risks.I had to learn to love me.
So I did what I knew would be my first step to where I wanted to be. I took a pen and paper and sat at my study table and wrote:
'Hello, God. Remember me? I'm sorry it's taken me this long to remember but now since I have, we need to talk.....'
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
So far, it is a stream of consciousness, and that in itself makes it a grabbing start ('I totally forgot.') but quickly makes people skim over the rest, wondering when they're going to be enlightened of who, what, when, where etc - all those little factual details that should be surreptitiously slipped in to help ground the story. At the moment, it is as if it is hanging upside down from the washing line. Give it a name, a place, a time, a person, and it'll flow much better - the abstract mixed in with the real, the things in the mind mixed in with the outside world. I can perfectly well imagine what's going on in this character's mind - I just think that the EFFECT would be bigger were you to emphasise that with external things - make something on the OUTSIDE a metaphor for something on the inside. This way, it seems more tangible, more concrete, more accessible. Great writing, and I, too, liked the concept behind the ending - just the execution of it was a little simplsitic - something a little more 'wow,' perhaps?
Don't start every sentence with I.
Do you mean always?
Reword your sentence.
This was doesn't need to be in the sentence.
There should be a comma between outside and too.
You left out a word between it and tears.
There should be a comma between bright and like.
There should be a space before the period.
There should be a comma before me and and.
The comma between people and I should be a period.
There should only be three periods after talk.
This is a perfect ending.
Overall, this story is good. You just have to work on sentence fluency.