Published June 2, 2011
a man lied on a bench
memories rippled
the canal rippled
his bottle of gin hugged
his smokers cough
and embraced his
heavy sigh.
Memories tied him to life
with invisible strings,
like gravity,
and made him
remember.
Death was not his friend
and life was his enemy,
the bench
and the trees,
water & gravel all knew
of his sorrow
and they all screamed
in anger
at fates silent approach;
the old man sighed
and drank.
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139,467 Literary Works • 672,571 Reviews
Icy here to review for you!
I'm going to be nitpicky on this one, so sorry in advance
I would put an elipses at the end of this stnza and maybe lead into another that describes his memories?
That's all for now! A beautiful poem with some lovely imagery, keep it up!
This is really good! Keep it up.
haunting and spooky. I like the way the lines are broken up and it seems disorientated but I assume that is part and parcel with the man in the poem being drunk. Very deep and quite thought provoking, I liked it.
Thank you for the comments.
With the comment on the poem feeling empty and not going nowhere, I totally understand;
I wanted it to feel that way, to mimic how the man felt in his life, but i'll try to work on it.
I did miss out punctuation and looking back over it, I realise it was a bad move.
Thanks for the reviews, I have taken them on board.
Well, I'm not in the mood to nitpick right now, but I felt the poem was going nowhere. I hate that I'm going to sound mean, but the poem was well... uneventful. there was great descriptives and some emotion but the poem seemed empty, I didnt really feel anything when I read it. Im absolutely certain you're a good writer, but I just didnt like this piece that much, sorry for sounding so mean, Im actually not usually so. Keep Writing!
This was...interesting...It was quirky, and I kind of liked that. It had an an air of mystery, but the imagery was such that it wasn't too unfathomable. The top reviewer has already dealt with the appropriate nitpicks, so I won't go into all that. I just wanted to say good job and keep writing!
~ Amelia
I really liked this poem good job!!:)
Hello there
Please add some punctuation to this stanza. I think it would sound more convincing with commas and stuff.I love this!
So, this poem is really deep. I like how it's simple and yet complex. I think you really have your use of imagery in place. I liked how you personified memories, for example. Your biggest problem I would have to say, is your punctuation. I don't know if it's intentional or you forget. This would have sounded so much better to me, if you punctuated your work a bit more. You know, befriend the full stops and they commas. They can also play a big role.
Anyway, good job, this was good!
Keep writing and good luck!