I Stare.

So, metaphorical... I like it...

nova wrote:I sit and stare.
I don't care,
If its just a flick of your hair,
Or muffled words that you share.

Your hazel eyes,
ordinary size,
Yet, they still take me by surprise,
When you delicate eyelashes rise.

Your lips,
cherry tips,
Are magnificent when they take sips,
or when your tongue magnificently flips.

Your nose,
small and froze,
in a state of purity nobody knows.
With an godly look and a holy pose.

Your perfect,
I'm not worth it,
To be with you, not one little bit,
All I can say is, all the pieces do fit.

So due to everything you do,
You need to know, that I love you.

Just something that formed.

Fail on behalf

Thanks for the reviews!

Hi,

I kind of liked the idea of this poem--unrequited love--a lovely but boring idea. It's been used many times, like Firestarter said before me. Really, this poem didn't catch my eye like I wanted it to because it was so cliched and full of mistakes. You have a wonderful idea but you have to put it in your own words--what do they really mean to you? Spiff it up a bit and it will be wonderful.

Oh, I don't know if you did this intentionally, but I thought the best part of the piece was the adolesent-sounding point of view. It sounded so cute and innocent. Kudos, pal.

~Horseradish

I like the texture of your piece. One thing I thought didn't fit was

or when your tongue magnificently flips.

Hi nova,

For me, the rhythm didn't work. Congrats on sustaining it throughout, but it felt awkward to read for me. You seemed to shave a lot of conjunctions off lines to make them fit and it makes for clunky reading. There's also a few grammar mistakes in there that need to be sorted, such as "Your perfect" which should be You're.

The idea was a bit cliche. It's nice, but overworn. I've seen a million poems similar to this, describing someone they love. The strangest thing about this is how boring the details are. When you're really in love with someone you know all the small details nobody else knows, and yet this poem talks about "hazel eyes" and small noses. It doesn't really delve into the territory of secret knowledge, and suffers because of it.

Good luck with any revisions or future efforts.

I like this poem/song. I love the way you describe all of this persons' features because it just seems like something people actually think to themselves about people they love. It made me sad when you wrote the part about not being worth it.
There was just one thing. In the second verse, you put 'you' instead of 'your'. That's the only problem.
Love it
Keep at it,
Smashles

Hey Nova,

When you yourdelicate eyelashes rise.

small and frozefrozen

Your perfect,
I'm not worth it,Should end with a dot ---> .
To be with you, not one little bit,
All I can say is, all the pieces do fit.

So due to everything you do,
You need to know, that I love you.