The End of The World
The streets were in chaos and the people were in fear
They feared that this was it, the end was near.
From the sky came fire and when it landed,
It landed! It hit the earth with reckless abandon.
Everything the fire hit was gone, nothing but craters and death.
But out of the craters a thing drew breath.
I couldn’t get a good look because I refuse to die.
It could be anyone else, NOT ME, NOT I.
But as I was getting away I saw a beautiful face.
This little girl she screamed for me and stopped me in my place.
Her Legs were crushed under some rubble.
She was in need so to carry her was wouldn’t be any trouble.
While helping her I Saw one of those things come near.
I had a choice- It wasn’t very clear.
Save her from the murderer
Or Leave her.
Times going
Blood slowing
Heart silent…
Everything’s silent…
I’m so sorry I ran into the woods as fast as I could as those things ripped her apart
I left her, and also my sanity.
I escaped but I was never the same.
I grabbed a stick to stab my ears until I could hear nothing.
I was tired of hearing her screaming for me to help.
I thought Deaf would be better than death and sound
But in reality…Letting her die also killed me…
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this is a wonderful piece i read in long time. it leaves very less scope for criticism however i sportingly offer a few
firstly the end of the world is the theme of your poem so you must generalize it and not stick to your own incident - i mean the incident that took place with the protagonist.
secondly when a person dies by an accident specially in the natural disaster you can hardly call it a murder, although leaving her there to die might create the sense you suggest.
then thirdly well did the world really end as you are well and alive trying to take your own life part by part
forth opinion is that is the girl your whole world and as she died for you the world came to an end. if that is what you air at i suggest change the beginning as it quite literally creates an image of science fiction with meteor shower and blast of super volcanoes...
you can add a few lines in quotation specially in the conversation of ones own inner conscience to answer for a big mistake.
this poem reads really great and the only purpose of my suggestion is to make it even better. all the best and keep writing , i would look foreward to reading many more of your works...
Wow...okay that would definitely be a very difficult choice to make but I have to say his choice really suprised me. I just don't think I could've done that. I think death would actually be better if I were him. The guilt would eat at me endlessly. Good job though, you definitely gave the readers something to think about!!
Hi there!
First off - this is a pretty cool poem. I think it could be improved by a few things.
1. Make "Letting her die also killed me" be its own line. It's really powerful, so it should stand on its own.
2. Also, I wouldn't put all caps in here, as it generally doesn't look very good. If you want to emphasize something, use italics.
3. I think the whole poem would work better if it was in present tense. Since it's in past tense, we don't really feel what's going on, since it's already happened, and so we don't feel as much sympathy for the person.
4. I also think you should incorporate an 'I' earlier in the poem. Six lines is a really long time, figuratively speaking, for a poem this size. At first it seems like it's in third person, and the audience gets used to that, but then you reveal that it's actually first person, and it's really jarring.
5.
This line is way too long and it feels out of place. I'd recommend spliting it into two lines after "fast" and before "as"
I hope this helped. Good luck and keep writing!
It was really exiting even though it was short. I liked how you left a lot of space left for imagination which is what I think made it scary.I also liked the words you used.What made it as good was all the space in between.What really made it all come together for me was the ending and how the person ditched the girl. Then stabbed her ears till they were deff.
It was really exiting even though it was short. I liked t=how you left a lot of space left for imagination which is what I think made it scary.
Your ending line clearly shows you were upset that you did not save the girl because seeing her "die" "killed" you too. So why this choice?
If I were in such a position, I would rather die saving the girl child then stay alive all my life knowing that I had a choice to be someone's saviour and I just chose to be ignorant.
Never the less a Lovely poem
Hello CapitalMonday, a bird from a nest to review this lovely poem. First off, I would like to say to the question you ask below: When the world would have ended and everything will be silenced by the hit of the meter (asteroid), I would help anyone that would need to be helped. Families that would need food, I would find food for them. People dying in the streets, I would try (or at least help) them recover or wait until they die in my arms. If there were battles breaking out, I would ask for the battlers to stop the battle and take it elsewhere (or stop it on the spot).
If everyone had died and I was alone, I would wonder around until I found a friend (like the little girl in the poem).. Back to the little girl, if she was screaming and hollering with rumble on top, I would run over and take stone by stone of the girl and help her up (or pull her out, if she has a broken leg) and we would go on our merry way to see If anyone has survived.
And that is why I would do If I was placed in this poem, also nothing could be changed except the title.
Bye for now!
CapitalMonday
That is great that you would honestly save the little girl. I can honestly tell you I wouldn't under those circumstances. It wouldn't affect as much as it did this person. Either choice is understandable.
Thanks for taking the time to read it!
Along with a review or a comment I would like to request those reading this to tell me what they would do in a situation like this and why. It's ok if you don't. But i like to hear honest opinions about things like this.
Also the style changes on purpose too.