Freedom and safety cannot co-exist,
if you’re aiming for that; you will surely miss.
Safety is security made for your protection,
while freedom is living your life with no objection.
However, you never had to choose between the two,
because that choice was already made for you.
Police, teachers, public officials supposedly know what’s best.
They are merely fused with the system like all of the rest.
The seed of safety was planted in them a long time ago,
they thought they were free but they were going with the flow.
It’s their “job” to tell you to be whatever you want to be,
But our Jobs are our security so we will never be free.
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This is interesting because I feel what you're saying, but at the same time I'm confused. I think you're trying to say that we're supposed to have freedom, but instead we're locked away under security. Is that correct? It's the message I'm getting.
Overall, the poem was excellent. I saw a slight rhythm, but sometimes I didn't, and I just thought most rhyming poems should have a good flow. Keep up the good work!
You are correct. That is the message. I am not exactly great with punctuation. That is the biggest problem I have. And Thanks
Hi! Dogsrule5 here to review.
First off, I really liked your poem. It really tells you about life.
Where to start.
How about nitpicks.
Nitpicks.
Number 1.
[It's their "job" to tell you to be whatever you want to be,
But our Jobs are security so we will never be free.[/quote]
I found three things wrong with this. 1. I saw that after you put be and then a comma. You capitalize the but. The but does not need to be capitalized since you put the comma. 2. I could be wrong on this one, but I noticed that you capitalized jobs. Were you supposed to do that. 3. I could be wrong on this one too, but when you said But our jobs are security. It think you need a comma after security cause it goes right into so. Like this. But our jobs are security, (comma. This is where you put it after security.) so we will never be free. I could be wrong, but I think that is right. I am so sorry if I am wrong. If I am please correct me.
I didn't really see anything else except for those three things. Well then I guess I will talk to you later.
Love,
Dogsrule5
Written quite well! Really like this outlook on life. I do think you should tone back the punctuation (the commas and full stops) if you want a better flow. If you are going for a choppy flow to sound angry or to rebuke your readers try hyphens (-) if you do want it choppy. Overall, lovely piece and I will definitely be telling people about it! P.S. I really like the whole controversial theme that this poem is based around.
I felt it was like we aren't really free no matter what anyone says. Someone always has controll over us. We askfor freedom and they pretend to give it to us. So, yeah, this poem has deeper meaning than you think.
When you say "aiming for that" don'y put in the ; use a comma instead. Great poem thought.
Thank you