You dont see these tears i cry
And i dont understand your lies
Anymore than you love me
What's your pleasure
Is my pain
Whats so fun
About this game?
Im smashing on
The floor again
Beaten in
The daily war again
You're fading away
we're becoming more apart
Fading away
In the little leftover
Of my damaged haert
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
So all the punctuation was already said. In addition, I don't find the rhythm to be very fluent. It jerks around a lot. Don't give up though. Your message is powerful.
What's already been said about this is good. The only new thing that I have to say is that I didn't like:
"What's so fun
about this game?"
It just seemed a bit weak, like you were focusing more on internal rhyme than on what you were trying to say. I'd try to make this more vivid. If you'd like to keep "game" as the line ending, I'd cahneg it to something like:
"I'm reeling from
This twisted game".
I think that's more powerful. But I also think it couldn't hurt to scrap these two lines completely and play around with some other ones.
Good luck, and welcome.
thanks for the advice. i will work on the stuff you mentioned.
First of all, welcome, nothingface.
Secondly, you may need to spell-check from time to time. The spelling and punctuation I have added in or changed is outlined in bold in my review.
I liked the first two lines, although they struck me as cliches and overused. Maybe you could explore the fact that this person you are speaking to cannot see your tears? Or you could talk about the lies that you don't understand.
I do not understand the third line. Although I suspect it could be understandable (maybe I'm not seeing something here), but as a reader I had to stop and think about that line, which disrupted the flow of the poem itself.
Again, I did not understand the first two lines of the stanza. You are telling us that this person' pleasure is your pain (another cliche), but haven't expressed it in the right words. If you want to keep the cliche, I suggest changing it to "What's your pleasure?/It's my pain", or you could simply change them to convey something different, something with more feeling.
I would have to say this is my favorite stanza. Usually, using the same word twice in a stanza makes it sound overused, but I feel you used the word "again" well here. However, the last line felt out of place, probably because the extra syllables that do not fit with the other lines.
The last stanza made a good ending, but as I said above, using the same word or phrase twice in a stanza makes it seem overused. "Fading away" is doing exactly this. Maybe you can replace it with something along the lines of "disappearing" or something else. The syllables in these lines are also jutting out in the poem, making it sound out of place.
Overall, I liked this poem. However, it used way to many cliches that could be redone. This poem needs looking over and a lot of work. Try reading it out loud or having someone read it out loud for you, to understand what I mean by the syllables.
If you need any help with anything, you can PM me and I'll happily do anything I can. =)
Mel