Published October 23, 2007
Surrounded by memories of you,
As i ask myself if my feelings
Could be unreal or untrue.
Twisted by love again,
And i just can't decide,
How many times to smile that flirty smile.
Because...
Before a risk it seems too much,
But whenever it passes
Its never enough.
Could i turn back time and re-risk it all
To hear your voice chime.
Guess its a tie between you and Paul!
hope you guys like it!
Mimi XxX
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
I must tell you as the others have: Capitalize the "I"s.
This poem is rather too casually written though I like the last line very much, but I think you should delete the "!" at the en as it destroys the element of humour by making the statement tooo obvious.
And, this line seems too long, so divide it or shorten it to make it go with the poem:
*sigh*
I really hate it when people make "I" lowercase, so please fix that.
Also... "Guess it's a tie between you and Paul"? Well that's just great, unless my name happens to be Paul, in which case you are putting me in a very awkward position because if I'm Paul and I happen to love you (which is not the situation we're in here, just so we're clear, but if it was ), you would be pitting me against myself, which always ends up somewhere between insane and just plain weird. Now, I agree with Emily. The name thing ruins the whole poem because... erm... well, it just does! It kind of makes me wonder, "Whoa, who's this Paul dude?"
Oh yeah, the second stanza *waits for you to scroll back up and read second stanza* kind of sounds like part of a song to me. In fact, I think this could make a cool song if you edited it and made it longer... but whatever.
Hope I helped somewhat.
--Quipp
Hmmm...I have quite a lot to say about this poem.
To start off!
You repeatedly make 'I' a lowercase.
This is no, no, and no. First off, if you wish to be a professional writer, that will never do. Always capitalize your I's when referring to oneself. It doesn't take that much more effort! And if you just wish to write for fun, still capitalize I's. It makes it look much better and less...noob-ish, so to speak.
Second.
Okay, to begin with this line, you mention someone's name, as you refer to two people. Several things wrong with this.
1. The whole poem only makes reference to one person. Where did this second one suddenly come from?
2. Adding a name into a poem makes it much less...handsome, if you will.
3. If you are going to have a name, at least make the 'you' a name as well! It's all fine and dandy if you are talking with two friends who know the difference between the two, but your other readers won't! To start off, at least let us know the other's name?
This isn't a correct sentence...did you perhaps mean "Before a risk seems too much [it deleted]"? That not only sounds better, it's a correct sentence!
This one is simple. 'Its' is supposed to be "It's". Its is possessive, where as it's means "it is", which is the correct statement in this sentence.
Overall, however, with a tiny bit of editing, this poem could be quite amazing!
Hope I helped <3;
Emily