Today I found myself
seated on a carousel alone until she showed up and sat next to me.
She was amazing matching my stride in every way never missing a beat.
But the problem with you was at some point you passed me and never
looked back. Because for you life was meant to be lived at a fast
pace and all those that moved slower became fleeting moments. I
became a name you never thought of even in passing when we saw each
other at bars. Just another face that you would never glance twice
at. But for me you made me feel alive like I had never felt before.
Accepted in a way I could never accept myself. Everything I thought
was a wrinkle in my existence you showed me how to love every fold
and crease of my soul. Until I fell behind and suddenly you didn’t
call as much your texts became scarce until finally, my friends
stopped asking about you. Because for lack of a better answer I
couldn’t bring myself to realize that you were actually gone. The
girl that lit up my every existence and the very thing that captured
my conscience. How could I bring myself to admit the truth to myself
and the people who witnessed my fall and warned me to be careful of
what lay at the bottom?
So I got on the
carousel and this time I let myself fall in a different way. The
different girls became my drug of choice getting high off whatever
attention I could scrap from each girl. But none of them were you and
nights became lonelier and the drugs became a cheap replacement but
at least for a moment, I could forget about you. Your laugh wasn’t
replaying in my head and I wasn’t envisioning your curls that
tickled my arm when we spend nights lying in each other's arms just
admiring the other. Those were nights I craved instead I woke up to
strangers who left as soon as the sun rose. Girls who looked at me
with such pity but none stayed because they could see how messed up I
was with one fleeting glance. Praying on their way out because they
had dodged a bullet that wouldn’t have wished upon their enemy.
Until one day when I
awoke my drug of choice for that night was in my small, dingy kitchen
fixing breakfast. She was wearing her shirt from last night and
flipping bacon she got from the fridge. I stood frozen in the doorway
watching this odd creature move about with complete ease. She only
stopped when she saw me paused in the doorway only this time unlike
the others she smiled at me. And just like that, she became my vital
life force breaking down every barrier and chain that surrounded me.
There were times when I couldn’t even find the will to stop but she
was right there cheering me on. Making me a better person with each
passing moment and sometimes that made me feel bad when I couldn’t
resist the temptation of flesh and drugs. The high had become my
comforter and deserting it so quickly was difficult. And in my lowest
moments, I was never a match against the temptation. However, with
her, I pushed myself further and broke the shackles that held me from
true freedom. You were so much different than her she taught me to
lean to crimes of the flesh and drugs when the world around me was
crumbling. We became one and the same through our shared pain and
misuse of substances. But with you, everything was different I didn’t
wanna lean towards temptation because of that memory of you in the
morning in my kitchen and the way you never turned your back on me.
The way you managed to thaw out my heart without even needing to turn
the heater on. But all good things must come to an end and you
eventually came to end. Just as my heart was healing up you told me
that this relationship wasn’t something you could see yourself in
anymore. That everything I thought I was sacrificing wasn’t enough,
I wasn’t enough. You were smarter than the one before you. You sat
me down at a diner and calmly laid out all of my innards on the table
for me to see. And when you were finished all I could do was attempt
to stuff everything back in the right place.
But I never could
for the life of me find where everything went. But you always knew
where everything went. You were patient and gentle with me when I
fell apart always careful to put me back together to assure that I
always was the best version of myself once you were done. Never once
did you complain about having to fix me when the drugs could never.
Without you putting me back together it became harder and harder but
I convinced myself that if I could stop and put myself back together
then you would be waiting for me. But you weren’t and I found that
out the hard way when I saw you with someone else someone more put
together. Someone who didn’t need you to put them back together.
So I got back on the
carousel more put together than I had ever been. More jaded and
skeptical of what drugs I choose to satiate myself with.
Points: 9075
Reviews: 111
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