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EPA

by nosleepclubmember42


Today I found myself seated on a carousel alone until she showed up and sat next to me. She was amazing matching my stride in every way never missing a beat. But the problem with you was at some point you passed me and never looked back. Because for you life was meant to be lived at a fast pace and all those that moved slower became fleeting moments. I became a name you never thought of even in passing when we saw each other at bars. Just another face that you would never glance twice at. But for me you made me feel alive like I had never felt before. Accepted in a way I could never accept myself. Everything I thought was a wrinkle in my existence you showed me how to love every fold and crease of my soul. Until I fell behind and suddenly you didn’t call as much your texts became scarce until finally, my friends stopped asking about you. Because for lack of a better answer I couldn’t bring myself to realize that you were actually gone. The girl that lit up my every existence and the very thing that captured my conscience. How could I bring myself to admit the truth to myself and the people who witnessed my fall and warned me to be careful of what lay at the bottom?

So I got on the carousel and this time I let myself fall in a different way. The different girls became my drug of choice getting high off whatever attention I could scrap from each girl. But none of them were you and nights became lonelier and the drugs became a cheap replacement but at least for a moment, I could forget about you. Your laugh wasn’t replaying in my head and I wasn’t envisioning your curls that tickled my arm when we spend nights lying in each other's arms just admiring the other. Those were nights I craved instead I woke up to strangers who left as soon as the sun rose. Girls who looked at me with such pity but none stayed because they could see how messed up I was with one fleeting glance. Praying on their way out because they had dodged a bullet that wouldn’t have wished upon their enemy.

Until one day when I awoke my drug of choice for that night was in my small, dingy kitchen fixing breakfast. She was wearing her shirt from last night and flipping bacon she got from the fridge. I stood frozen in the doorway watching this odd creature move about with complete ease. She only stopped when she saw me paused in the doorway only this time unlike the others she smiled at me. And just like that, she became my vital life force breaking down every barrier and chain that surrounded me. There were times when I couldn’t even find the will to stop but she was right there cheering me on. Making me a better person with each passing moment and sometimes that made me feel bad when I couldn’t resist the temptation of flesh and drugs. The high had become my comforter and deserting it so quickly was difficult. And in my lowest moments, I was never a match against the temptation. However, with her, I pushed myself further and broke the shackles that held me from true freedom. You were so much different than her she taught me to lean to crimes of the flesh and drugs when the world around me was crumbling. We became one and the same through our shared pain and misuse of substances. But with you, everything was different I didn’t wanna lean towards temptation because of that memory of you in the morning in my kitchen and the way you never turned your back on me. The way you managed to thaw out my heart without even needing to turn the heater on. But all good things must come to an end and you eventually came to end. Just as my heart was healing up you told me that this relationship wasn’t something you could see yourself in anymore. That everything I thought I was sacrificing wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough. You were smarter than the one before you. You sat me down at a diner and calmly laid out all of my innards on the table for me to see. And when you were finished all I could do was attempt to stuff everything back in the right place.

But I never could for the life of me find where everything went. But you always knew where everything went. You were patient and gentle with me when I fell apart always careful to put me back together to assure that I always was the best version of myself once you were done. Never once did you complain about having to fix me when the drugs could never. Without you putting me back together it became harder and harder but I convinced myself that if I could stop and put myself back together then you would be waiting for me. But you weren’t and I found that out the hard way when I saw you with someone else someone more put together. Someone who didn’t need you to put them back together.

So I got back on the carousel more put together than I had ever been. More jaded and skeptical of what drugs I choose to satiate myself with.


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111 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2020 5:49 am
tgham99 wrote a review...



This is a very interesting story that details the feeling of being torn between moving on and being held back by someone in our past. I think you do a good job of illustrating just how difficult this particular situation is; it's always difficult to move on, mainly because everyone's "drug of choice" (loved that you used this phrase) to get over someone varies.

I like the idea of addressing the narrator's past lover as "you" -- it makes the story more personal and poignant, as though I was reading it from the perspective of this particular person rather than simply another reader.

I do think that the introduction to the story could have been a little clearer; potentially breaking up the first few lines into different paragraphs would have clarified it. To specify what I mean, I at first thought that you were mixing up "she" and "you", until I kept reading, if that makes sense? My only real suggestion here is to maybe make it more evident that we're talking about two different people at the start of the story.

Another suggestion: maybe consider breaking up the paragraphs in order to avoid any large chunks of text? This helps a lot with readability and can actually do a lot to emphasize specific lines or scenes in the mind of the reader. One example of a strong portion that could have been its own paragraph/stanza:

"..But all good things must come to an end and you eventually came to end. Just as my heart was healing up you told me that this relationship wasn’t something you could see yourself in anymore. That everything I thought I was sacrificing wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough. You were smarter than the one before you. You sat me down at a diner and calmly laid out all of my innards on the table for me to see. And when you were finished all I could do was attempt to stuff everything back in the right place."

This would have most definitely been great as its own stand-alone paragraph; you can really emphasize the pain that the speaker feels as he reminisces. I would definitely think about breaking up the text walls in this or any future stories, but aside from that and some grammar errors and punctuation suggestions that @Asith mentioned, it was a thoroughly enjoyable read. You play on a situation that many people are far too familiar with -- using the pain of a new "relationship" or lifestyle to get over the pain of a past one.

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Sun Jan 26, 2020 4:55 am
Asith wrote a review...



Hello, and happy review day! I like the idea you have here -- it makes for a very interesting narrative. That being said, I'm here to critique your writing, so let's go ahead with that bit:

Sentence structure
Your sentence structure, and just how you write out your sentences in general is very flawed. There's a multitude of reasons as to why I say this, and it's something you'll get better at with practice, but the fact that I can find so many examples of bad sentences in the first paragraph alone means there's definitely a problem
i) Bad phrasing:

Today I found myself seated on a carousel alone until she showed up and sat next to me.

I know what you're trying to say here -- you were alone until she arrived. However, the way your sentence reads, you're actually saying you were sitting down until she arrived; as if you stood up and left when she showed up. It's really jarring for a reader to think a sentence means one thing and then have to re-read it to get the actual meaning -- try to proofread your own work with a blank mind to put yourself in the shoes of a reader.

ii)No punctuation:
She was amazing matching my stride in every way never missing a beat.

Punctuation is not optional! People can't read your sentences properly without them. This sentence desperately needs some commas:
She was amazing, matching my stride in every way, never missing a beat.

See how it's much clearer what the sentence is trying to say?

Paragraphing:
Perhaps not a matter of sentences, but very similar. Paragraphs are good ways to separate chunks of a story that are, well, separate. You've consistently done the opposite -- starting a paragraph that just continues the idea of the old paragraph, so you didn't even need to start a new paragraph. Starting paragraphs just for the sake of it is once again very jarring and should be avoided. While not always true, if your paragraph starts with a conjunction (but, so, and, etc), then it's probably a fallacy, and you should check whether a new paragraph is needed there.


Other than that admittedly tough critiquing of your writing, your storytelling is good! You have a creative idea here, pretty well-told, with interesting emotions. That's what a good story needs, really, but it helps to have good writing to support your narrative :)





An Angel who did not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards.
— Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens