“You’d do me a favor, right?”
It was nearing dusk when he called. The sun clung to the horizon, the last light painting the sky a vibrant orange to contrast the vast ocean of broadleaf greens. It was my favorite time of day, when rising smoke was at its most visible.
The clouds were growing thicker by the day, and the first snowfall was imminent. The risk of wildfires would be lower this time of year, with the cold rolling in from the mountains.
I exhaled roughly, leaning forward to rest my forehead against my palm. “I don’t know about that. Last time I did you a ‘favor’ I ended up stranded on some remote Grecian Isle for a month.”
“Come on! You survived, didn’t you? Besides, you’re about to go off duty anyway, right? You’re the only one who has several months off work. Plus you’re the best suited, you’re the most… outdoorsy.”
I ran my fingers through my hair, eyes still glued on the horizon. There was no sign of trouble coming from the forest, but I could never stop watching. “You don’t need to be outdoorsy to transport supplies. Why not ask Marc? That’s his literal job.”
There was a brief silence, before Lucas continued. “Marc can’t get the time off. Besides, you say your truck never lets you down, right? And you’re used to being out in the middle of nowhere. Really, you won’t even notice the difference.”
The light flickered off when the sun set, as the solar panels stopped generating electricity, before the generator started to hum and the bulb turned back on. A group of migrating birds flashed over the sky, and disappeared into the growing darkness. “It’s a long trip to drop on someone with no notice. Maybe if you had asked me a couple weeks ago.”
“I would have, really, but we couldn’t have known I’d break my knee. I mean, who breaks their knee? Except for old people, maybe. Point is, I know it’s unfair to dump this on you, but I wouldn’t if I didn’t have to.”
I sighed again, running out of excuses. If Lucas was one thing, it was relentless. “I’m not good at all of that… ‘preparing parties’ stuff.”
Another brief silence, and the line crackled. There were many benefits to my living situation, but good reception wasn’t one of them. Even the freakishly rich had limits on how much they’d pay for their forest warden’s comforts. “You don’t have to be. Colton will take care of that, he’s already volunteered to go.”
I sat up straight, bristling at the mention. “Colton? If Colton is going, why can’t Colton do it?”
“You know he doesn’t have a license. And it’s a long way to go by yourself, we wouldn’t send him alone.”
I flicked the lights off. There was no need to spend generator gas on them when they’d only obscure my vision of the outside. “Lucas.”
“Yeah, I know, okay? You guys haven’t talked in a while, but isn’t that just another reason to go? Try to be open minded, you said yourself there’s no bad blood between you. He’s your brother, after all.”
“Half-brother.”
“Semantics. And you know, he’s been yapping like a dog about you. He’s practically begging to spend time with you, you’d be doing him a huge service.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I… well, it was worth a shot, wasn’t it? But who cares about Colton, anyway. You can’t say no. Come on, Gabriel, you know Jack would drop everything for you if the roles were reversed. He deserves a bachelor party. I’ll tell Marc to drop off Colton and the things somewhere in town, and then you’ll just have to take him the rest of the way, okay?”
I leaned forward, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Fine.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi! I'm going to be reviewing with the YWS Smore method.
Top Graham Cracker:
When I began to read this story, I was instantly hooked. I find myself really wanting to know more about what this 'favor' entails.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow:
I had to read over the beginning a few times to make sense of who is who and who says what and why. It still is a little confusing to me. Maybe try to explain things a little more. I mean, a sense of mystery is great, but there is a stopping point. If you up the ante too much it just confuses readers and scares them off. Also, I can't really picture Lucas and Gabriel, since you didn't describe them much. That would be another good thing to touch up on.
Chocolate Bar:
Your strongest point is absolutely your descriptions of the atmosphere. I know exactly when the wind is blowing and when it's not, what time of day it is, that sort of thing. You did an amazing job with that part. I am left wanting to know what mess Lucas is getting Gabriel into. I can tell that it's getting good. Things are only getting started.
Closing Graham Cracker:
This is a great prologue, overall, and I look forward to reading more!
-CherryScriptAMK
thank you so much for taking reading and reviewing!
thank you so much for taking reading and reviewing!
Hello!
I really liked this text. I liked how it was a dialogue with small paragraphs of information in between, keeping it balanced. I liked the suspence, the unknown, and the seemingly unimportant but nice and entertaining details, like about the lighting and the way the characters interact.
I also really liked your writing style, and the techniques you used. Keep writing!
Have a nice day
HMMHhehe
thank you for the review and thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked it
Very interesting prologue!
I think I'll use the YWS S'more Method to make this easier.
Graham Cracker: Two guys, Lucas and Gabriel, argue. Lucas begs Gabriel to something and/or go somewhere. Gabriel gives in at the end.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow: So far, this seems pretty good! Keep writing!
Chocolate Bar: The descriptions were what helped me here. They let me imagine everything, although I'm not sure we have a description of the boys.
Closing Graham Cracker: Overall, this is a very captivating story. I'd love to see when the "horror" comes in?
Once more, keep writing!
thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
Hello, noridori! I was intrigued by this prologue and decided to review it. Let’s get to it!
I immediately thought of a hedgehog having its quills stand to attention when it believes it is in danger. I really liked that and I quickly understood that Gabriel and Colton had some sort of bone to pick with each other.I love how you described the scenery in the beginning. I found that comparing the last of the sunlight’s to orange paint and contrasting it with the forest’s broadleaf greens to be very beautiful. What I also found intriguing was the instant mention of the thick clouds rolling in for the winter. It felt like a subtle foreshadowing of things to come and gave me a dull sense of foreboding.
The conversation between Lucas and Gabriel that was the subject of this chapter ran quite smoothly and I didn’t really have any trouble with flow. The one thing I would pick on is that not knowing Lucas’ name till the end did give me some trouble when trying to match who was who as I read along. One of my favorite lines was this one:
Something that I think you also did well was portraying the personalities of Lucas and Gabriel without having to say too much or describe them in great detail. You just let them talk and let the reader decide how they perceive them, which is great! I perceived Lucas as goofy, a risk-taker, and always having something up his sleeve, especially when he’s after something. You show that he is very persistent in getting Gabriel to do this favor for him while also squeezing in a joke every now and then to ease the tension. Gabriel seems to be cut from a different cloth. He comes off as serious, alert (on the edge of anxious), and intelligent. He seems to not want to take any more of Lucas’ bs and tries to get out of having to do this favor, but he is hopeless at dodging Lucas’ convenient explanations. He is also constantly watching the forest as he’s speaking to Lucas, which shows his inability to relax easily.
This is all I have for now! I think this is a really cool prologue and I can’t wait to see what comes next!
thank you so much for reading and reviewing! also that's a really good observation of the characters so far, i'm glad that came across : )
Hia!
I wanted to wait and see if anyone else picks this up before you get the second Green Room review but who else to get my first review as a JM than a fellow prolific reviewer?
Oha, while I do like the description, especially the contrast of orange and green, in the first paragraph, I’m immediately curious about why the narrator is so happy abt seeing smoke of all things?
Ahhh okay, I get it! It’s related to the job—so having a clear view of the forest in case there is smoke/wildfire! …But that’s not what the sentence abt the smoke being at its most visible implies. More reading is required to figure out this mystery! Onward!
I like how natural the dialogue sounds and that it comes across that these ppl clearly know each other very well. (tho I do agree with chi that some of it is very “exposition-y”
That said, I don’t feel… hooked into the story quite yet?
I feel like there doesn’t seem to be much difficulty involved in hauling your brother to a bachelor party (sorry, half-brother)?
Here’s what I think this story will be abt based on the prologue:
These two siblings, having a difficult road trip (it will take months after all), and maybe indeed rekindling their relationship?
But… just saying that the trip will take months and that the MC doesn’t know their brother (half-brother) very well… doesn’t really mean much in terms of what the story’s hurdles will be?
Maybe when you come back to edit the prologue, you could think abt what the difficulties the MC will face in the course of the stories are and then figure out a way to make these obvious in the prologue :3
Over all I like your writing style and looking forward to the five plus stories you already have written :3
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
thank you so much for the review! and congrats on being a JM!!
hello!
Very interesting prologue! I really like how this uses environment beyond being simply decoration - the forest warden setup immediately gives the narrator a sense of vigilance, which is strong because it tells us who the narrator is without forcing an explanation too early. neat!
The description of dusk is also handled well too, and I enjoyed that section! I imagine it as showing that the sunset is tied to duty and perception. I also like "the vast ocean of green," though it softens the specificity of the forest. Since this narrator is outdoorsy and professionally attached to the land, you might consider making their environmental perception more exact at times. What kind of trees? What kind of mountain cold? What does the smoke usually look like when it is real trouble? The more specific the watchfulness, the more believable the narrator becomes.
I also thought the phone call itself has good rhythm. Lucas is pushy in a very recognizable way, as he compliments, guilt-trips, jokes, dodges practical objections, and reframes the request as inevitable, so on -> the narrator, on the other hand, is evasive rather than openly angry. They keep giving practical excuses (Marc, timing, preparedness), but the real issue is Colton. Structurally, I think that is smart. The scene withholds the ACTUAL emotional problem until Lucas says the name, and the narrator sat up straighter and bristled at the mention. To me,it works because the scene has been relatively restrained before it.
However, I think the scene over-relies on dialogue to deliver exposition. Your major conflicts all arrive through conversation. None of this is necessarily bad - exposition through argument is usually better than exposition through narration - but it does sometimes feel like Lucas is conveniently listing the plot machinery. The dialogue is charming enough that it survives this for the most part, but you might want to break some of that information into interiority. I mean, the guy's gotta have some internal monologue going on, right?
^ For example: "Jack has been your best friend since you were in diapers" is clear, but it sounds like Lucas is reminding the narrator of something they obviously know for the reader’s benefit. You could make it more personal and less explanatory. Something like Lucas invoking a specific embarrassing childhood memory, or saying "Jack would’ve done it for you," would carry the same guilt while feeling less like information delivery. Your readers can understand things with subtext; you don't need to guide them the entire time! Some of that is okay though - I just felt this was a bit on the nose for what you've been writing.
I also think the narrator’s internal resistance could be deepened. So, we understand they do not want to go with Colton, but we do not yet feel a reason why beyond avoidance. That can work for an opening, especially if the point is to create intrigue. BUT there is room for another flash of memory. Perhaps Colton’s name causes the narrator to remember the last time they were in a vehicle together, or the last thing Colton said, or the specific silence after whatever happened? You do not need to reveal the WHOLE conflict, but one more specific detail to your plot would make the bristling more visceral (and welcomed!).
There are some small mechanical things too -> I'd suggest to try to cut down on longer phrases as they tend to get muddled. I'd also watch out for more odd wording choices. "You’re the only one who has several months off," for example.
still, I'd say this is a very solid opening! It does what good prologues do: establish setting, character, conflict, motion all within a short scene. I would mainly revise for smoother exposition (more specific interiority around Colton) and a cleaner separation between atmosphere and explanation. That said, I'd love to follow along with this story and see where you take it!
best,
cocteau
thank you so much for reading and for the great advice! i definitely struggle with balancing exposition and subtext at times so thanks for pointing that out for me :3 i'll keep everything you said in mind, thanks again!
This a lovely prologue which makes wonder what will happen to the narrator it feels like it's setting us up for very long, very breath taking, heart thumping adventure! And I'm here for it.
I guess I'll use the YWS S'more Method to review because otherwise this will be an hour long review.
Graham Cracker: Outdoorsy fellow is chosen (and pushed) by Lucas to drive into the middle of nowhere. They have a back and forth with the narrator agreeing to go in the end of the prologue.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow: Hmm, this is very well written overall and I see nothing glaringly wrong with it so far!
Chocolate Bar: It really sets the tone for what we're getting into and really makes me want to know more about the narrator and what will happen throughout the story!
Closing Graham Cracker: Overall really neat and I'm very excited to see the 'horror' part of this story and just ya! It's beautiful, I like it. Keep up the good work (also... imagine how it would look as a movie ooo la la!) Did I forget to put this as a... a review?
thank you so much for reading and reviewing! though it does seem to be set as a comment rather than a review... hmm, maybe there's a way to change it? otherwise you could probably message a moderator and they could probably give you the points you earned. anyway thanks again for reading! : D