Yay, my first post! I hope you guys enjoy this first chapter. ^_^
Kolson rubbed his hands together in a desperate attempt to ward off the blistering cold. As his breath momentarily caressed his icy knuckles in warm white puffs, he stopped walking and reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone, which was vibrating.
"Hello?" he answered.
"Kolson?" asked a female voice.
"Yeah, it's me. What's up, Nina?"
"You left your gloves on my counter."
He chuckled as he rubbed his hands together for the umpteenth time.
"Just give them back to me tomorrow, okay?"
"Sure."
A silence followed.
"Are you sure you don't need a ride?" Nina asked. "It's snowing awfully hard outside. You must be freezing!"
"What do you expect? This is Norway!" he answered. "Land of blistering winters! Land of frost-giants! Land of..."
"So I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" she interrupted flatly.
"Yeah."
"Love you."
"Love you too."
He hung up and shivered as he tossed the phone back into the pocket of his dark-wash blue jeans, which did nothing to protect his legs from the biting North Wind. He almost wished that he had accepted Nina's offer for a ride.
"No," he whispered sternly to himself. "No. Then both of us would wind up lost." He looked up and saw the same army of snow-covered evergreens surrounding him just as they had surrounded him before. The sky was black, the snow was falling furiously, and Kolson was hopelessly lost. He stomped around in the deep snow for what seemed like an hour before he began to truly panic.
"Okay," he thought. "The storm's gotten stronger, I'm freezing my ass off, and I have no idea where I am or how far I've walked."
He reached for his phone once more and looked at the screen.
"No bars," he hissed. "Damn it!"
Anxiously, he trudged on, moving deeper and deeper into the forest of which there seemed to be no end. He brushed a tree branch out of his way, and abruptly stopped.
He saw what looked like an ancient monument. There were massive stone pillars shooting out of the ground, along with smaller pillars that were covered in rune-like characters. Surprised but equally curious, he walked up to one of the pillars and touched it.
Suddenly, he felt as if he were on a roller coaster; a wind coming from everywhere blew his hair back with chilling force, while the environment changed around him in flashes, so quick he couldn't tell where the sky and the ground were anymore. Just when it seemed like it would go on forever,the chaos stopped, and Kolson found himself on his back, looking up at the sky, which was now a lovely shade of violet. He scrambled to his feet.
The sky was purple, the moon was so large it seemed to be just a few feet away, and blue grass had replaced the white snow he had been walking in just moments ago.
"Where am I?" he mumbled.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey noobcake
he stopped walking and reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone, which was vibrating. - The end of this sentence is a little weird. You have this nice flowing description before hand and then it's 'He did this and then that, which was because of this'. It just seems kind of stunted and interrupts the flow. Perhaps you could do something more like 'he stopped walking, reached into his pocket and grabbed his vibrating phone.' or something to this effect. Just so that it flows a little more.
"Hello?" he answered. - The 'he answered' part just seems a little out of place. Perhaps you could have more of a lead up to it after the previous sentences. Maybe you could have him read the caller ID first or flick the phone open or something to that effect.
"Kolson?" asked a female voice. "Yeah, it's me. What's up, Nina?" - This piece of dialogue seems a little odd to me. If Nina is calling him and they have a pretty good relationship, which they seem to because they say they love each other, then why would she ask if it was him. I was thinking about it and when I ring my boyfriend I don't confirm it's him before I speak to him. I just know its him. I know that you were probably trying to set up the character's name but it just doesn't really work here. When writing dialogue you should do what I just did, think about what your habits are when you talk to people and whether your dialogue actually works after considering that.
He hung up and shivered as he tossed the phone back into the pocket of his dark-wash blue jeans - Tossed doesn't seem like quite the right word here. Tossed to me gives images of throwing something. I find it odd that he would throw something into his jeans pocket.
Characters - I didn't get much of a sense of what the characters or character was like in this piece before he was sent into what I presume is another world. I think it is important in stories to kind of orientate your readers in your characters. I'm just starting to get to know Kolson and then suddenly he is transported someone else and I don't have time to figure out if I care or not. I cared slightly because through your dialogue and some of his inner thoughts I get a bit of a sense of who he is but I think you need more of this before the fantastical element is introduced.
Dialogue - The majority of the dialogue was pretty good. I got a sense of the characters through the dialogue you wrote, my favourite bit was when Kolson was going on about Norway and Nina just cuts him. I liked it so much because it showed me some of their character and what their personalities are like which should always be evident in dialogue. Other than the few things I mentioned before you dialogue was pretty good.
Pacing - You need more of a build up to this moment when Kolson is transported to another world. Perhaps you could start a little earlier and follow him as he is getting lost or perhaps strange things have been happening to him throughout the day. Don't be so quick to just jump into the action. I know it is tempting a lot of the time but the readers need you to set things up a little more before you plunge them into the action.
Description - I thought your description was pretty good in places, in other places you got a little tangled up in what you were saying and then the writing would become a little clunky and stunted. The only thing I can suggest for this really is to leave your piece for a week or something and then return to it and past mistakes usually show up with fresh eyes.
Overall though I thought this piece was quite good and with a few alterations you could make it pretty interesting. I hope that you write more and post it so I might see what happens to Kolson. Let me know if you do post more! Any questions then feel free to PM me
Bex x
Nice job!
The title is quite witty, I must agree. And it was written well overall, with good description and dialogue when they were talking on the phone.
I must say that what you wrote in the last three paragraphs happened much too fast. There should be more of an explanation as to what was going on and why was he out there, as well as a bit of background and description of your main character. We need much more of an orientation before you delve into the complication and begin building up the plot.
I felt there was room for more description of the 'ancient monument'. Something so wondrous and majestic surely deserves more words for it.
Perhaps you could describe the runes, has your MC seen them before? Are they completely alien to him, or are they perhaps 'strangely familiar'?
I felt your opening sentence could have been more intriguing. Because when people go to pick up and read some of your book in a book store, they usually go for the first page first. And that could mean the difference between a successful book, or a modestly-selling one. Usually a good opening sentence is something startling and action-packed, that just makes the reader want to beg to know what happens next. Yours was okay, but it could have been better. Maybe your MC is crying out in pain after a bit of snow got in his eye. It could be: 'Kolson cried out in agony, pain was seering through his eye and he weeped a few tears as the sting began to set in. Now he knew that snow could become a dangerous projectile in the right circumstances.'
You see, the first sentence leaves your readers guessing as to why he is in pain, and the second sentence answers this, but also raises new questions as to what he's doing out there.
Lastly, I saw no spelling mistakes in your work, but at the end I noticed one grammar mistake. Probably a harmless typo, but I just thought I should point it out for you.
A space is needed after the comma there.
Other than those little things, I really enjoyed this. Please keep writing, I want to know what happens next!
i dont have much to say except it sounded interesting and id definitly read more!
also any chance of a review for my story <_< not many people are showing it love