These are first-read-through impressions:
you can see that we are all no more
than insects, foraging through the day
Two things here. Sudden direct address is awkward. You jerk the reader out of a poem they'd just started to melt into. Can we see ourselves? If so, can you turn "you" to "we"? Secondly, I like the image of foraging through the day when day is considered a solid object. Instead of "through the time and duration of the day", it could also read as "through the solidness of the day to the other side", which I like, but I don't feel is fully exploited.
And I can only wonder how long before a
malicious child wanders past,
magnifying glass in hand.
And now, suddenly an I? Besides the fact that the magnifying class is an obvious route to take after making us insects, where does this voice come from? Couldn't you keep it a community voice? That sometimes the newspapers wonder or the crazy ones wonder when the badness will come?
I absolutely love the title for this section.
Ahh, and oh my gosh I feel like the second section is very bland. D: I am so disappointed after a vivid and engaging first section, that your section section uses predictable comparisons and language that everyone else has used before you. Couldn't you find unexplored corners of the apartments? Have you ever seen an ant crawl underneath the wallpaper? The rug bugs? You don't have to bring the bugs into the second stanza, but they are so embedded in that life that I think it might serve the permanence you attempt to call out by saying "prison". You need to keep the subtlety to move your message effectively, though.
And happily, I love everything about the third stanza. It uses the giant human to capture all the textures and lights and feelings and things we would like to capture if we were big enough. But grass is never that small in our hands and the streetlights are too high over our heads to hold, so bringing that power in through this woman character is amazing and evocative. 'Cept the words you chose for her:
“Awake, my child,
awake, and dream”
No no, not at all. Is that really what you wanted her to say, or was it just something that you could put there to seem deep. What does this woman really say to you in your room, with your dirty blanket, your dusty floor, after sweeping in over all the land and doing all the things you cannot do? What is it that she could or would want to say to you?
Ahh. Two good ones and a bad one in between, but overall I leave feeling lifted.
PM me if you have any questions about my review, please.
Good luck and keep writing! Please!!
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