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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there nomad! Dogs here with your review today! Ok, so I like the simplicity of this peace. You stay on topic and leave it short enough that the reader won't lose interest. I don't think there is much of anything to add to this but I'll do my best to find something to nit pick at
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Ok, good first line, reminds me a little bit of Emily Dickinson. Although in the second line you say "sillohuetted against the cold moon" wonderfully written, but I'd suggest using a different word then just plain ol' "cold," up could use this to add in some immagery. you could say silver, or shimmering, or glimmering, or if you want to stick with the cold aspect you could say snowy or frigid. Just trying to throw some options out here.
Ok, so in the second stanza, you have two options: You can take out the "through the air" or you can add in a little more imagery, do they fall softly to the ground, are they taken by a gust of wind? do they shiver in the frigid air? Those sorts of things. I do like the formatting you used in that stanza though, well done there.
The ending reminds me of William Carlos William's: The House Wife. Just the narrator observing some small and simple thing happening.
Anywho, all and all I like it. Short sweet and too the point. Sorry I couldn't really find much else that hasn't already been covered but I do think this poem is on the right pack and could be a wonderful piece with a few touching up. Give me a PM if you want anything else review or need any help. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Nomad,
I love this poem. It is very deep and has powerful meaning.
Here is one thing that you could change:
She’s tearing out her feathers one by one
and letting them drift
*through the air
like the sad songs she used to sing.
Through the air is not necessary and I suggest removing it from the entry.
Besides that, I love it! I especially love the last line:
"as she rips the sky from her wings."
I am new to this website so I am sorry if this is a bad review
Hey Nomad,
I've seen you around a bit, so I'm glad to catch some more of your poems. The conciseness of this piece, and that willingness to describe and capture the "moment" that encompasses so much feeling, meaning, and such-- that's what I love about this, and that's what I love about poetry in general.
Your first two lines do a decent job of setting up the premise and getting that imagery, but that is all it amounts to, it's just a lead-in to the rest of the deliciousness that is this poem. Make every line and every word count. The rule of thumb for these pieces though-- the shorter the word count, the stronger the words must be. The higher the expectations. Each word is going to stick out like a sore thumb, so if the word isn't "right" or "perfect", then the poem is going to fall flat. So, for example:
The "through the air" part is unnecessary. By saying that the feathers are drifting, we already get this sense of the feathers floating about and stuff through the air without being told that. Likewise, with your first stanza, as pretty as that picture of the silhouette and the moon and such, do we really need that line? Does it really contribute to this piece? I'll be happier leaving the moon line in. But that "sad songs she used to sing" line is another one that is so cliche for me, plus, the way that it's written in the sentence, the comparison is between songs and feathers. It seems like what you wanted to mean here, is to make a comparison between the drifting of the feathers, and the way a music note kind of hangs in the air. The line right now, it's too general, too weak, too watered down.
Aim for specificity. You want clear. crisp. images. You don't want watered down images like "love" and "sad" and "songs", because when compared to the strong images in the first line of that same stanza, and the strength of your ending, it really falls flat. I would suggest reworking it a bit, to make that suggestion clear.
Your last line <3 Brilliant.
Thanks for this. I very much enjoyed it ^_^
Hi there.
I like your ideas. I especially love your last line. Ripping the sky from her wings. Love that. What a great, impossible image (I love impossible images).
That being said, I think the execution could use a little help.
Good things about this line: It gives us a setting and the object of the poem.
Not so good things: you could play with the image more. "little bird" is a very generic image. Find a type of bird that represents who you're writing this about, then elaborate on that specific bird. And make sure that it's a bird that's active at the time in the setting of this poem.
This is a nice image, though I think that it's a little overdone. When I read this line, I thought of the famous scene in E.T. when the kids are silhouetted against the moon on their bikes.
I like the format of the second stanza a lot. It's as if each line is a feather drifting on the breeze. There is an issue with the last line, though.
I like the idea, but you use "sad" to describe the songs. There are so many words to describe so many particular brands of sad that I can't count them. I want to know the specific sad she used to sing. It would make the image clearer (to me, anyway).
Give us some clue about how you feel. Here, you're just sitting and watching. But how do you feel while you're sitting and watching. Are you helpless to stop her? are you so tired of her sad songs that you've decided to forsake her? Show us how you feel.
That last line really makes the poem. I love it.
You have good ideas. Now go polish them. Happy poeting!
Hey Adpe!
~ Very powerful.Gosh, this is a really touching poem you wrote.
Your rhythm and pace were wonderful, and your content was...sad. I like how you related a bird to your friend. How they're so free and wonderful, and but still susceptible to self-destruction.
I think the last line is my favorite.
Keep writing!
~Shady