z

Young Writers Society


12+

found

by noelsugarcube


The day the sun bled was a changed the world forever.

It started as a normal day in high school. My friends, Lilly, Kiki, Mazy, and I were in the park when it happened. We were having lunch at the time and school was let out early due to a black out. “This view is amazing!” Mazy said.

She’s a bit of a Goth/punk rocker. She dyed her shoulder blade length hair pitch-black and was wearing a black Goth skirt with lace edging and a red side shoulder shirt handing off her shoulder topped off with dark purple nail polish.

“It is,” agreed Lilly.

Lilly was the cool person type with a brown hair boyish haircut with a dark red streak running down her bang complemented with a tank top and ripped jeans. Lilly’s the kind of person you don’t want to mess with; especially when she has something in her hand. She can turn anything into a weapon. You name it, she can do it.

“What’s that noise?” Kiki asked warily.

She had shoulder length, curly blond hair; with a pink t-shirt advertising One Direction and a short, overly frilly skirt that made boys stare. She looks like a ditz, but has a 4.0 GPA and has already been ask be at the top universities in the world.

The noise was like a strange buzzy noise. Kind of like a hedge cutter revving up. All of a sudden, a bright flash of light hit the ground in front of us with a crack. We were blinded, but when we could see again, we were standing on clouds. We were in a large room filled with columns and symbols circling around us in a circular fashion. Kiki pretty much freak out about then.

“Calm down,” said Lilly casually.

“Great, been kidnapped,” Mazy sighed.

“Omg, omg, omg,” Kiki said as she started to hyperventilate.

“Great,” I said, “now you set her off.

Name’s Noel by the way. I’m more casual and tomboyish. I wear t-shirts and shorts. Sometimes I wear some accessories, but not often. Just recently got a navy blue streak running down my emo bangs to complement my waist length hair.

“Where are we?” Kiki said weakly.

“In mount Olympus!” boomed a voice. That really set Kiki off. I think she almost fainted if not for this guy randomly appearing in front of us with a bunch of other people wearing togas.

“Welcome to our high humble home” the man in the front said.

He looked a bit older than 50, but not by much and had a strange looking tattoo of a lighting cloud on his bare arm.

“What makes you think that we believe you?” remarked Lilly eyes glancing around suspiciously. Did I forget to mention she was a rebellious type of person?

“Not really, but we figured we could convince you,” the man said humbly.

“Who’s this we?” Mazy ask.

“You’re the Greek gods and goddesses of mythology!” I realized

“Took you long enough” snap a man with goat legs.

“You’re Pan aren’t you?” Mazy inquired.

“See Zeus, I do exist,” Pan snapped angrily.

“Anyway,” Zeus said dismissively, “We need your help to save the world.”

“Um, can’t you do that yourself? “ Lilly said with hands on her hips.

“Well you see,” started a creepy emo I will kill you looking guy “We gods can’t fight this enemy.”

“You must be Hades,” Mazy said,” but why can’t you?”

“It’s because we have no fighting abilities you see. The Greeks have it all wrong unfortunately. We can’t cause people harm others or help mortals. All we can do is push them in a certain direction that we see fit.” Zeus said

“We control nature and things sure but it’s not really us helping.” Hera said sadly.

“Aren’t we more helpless that you guys are?” Kiki said timidly

“Yes and no, “A blond middle-aged woman said stepping forward.

“Aphrodite!” screamed Kiki “You’re my favorite god ever!”

“Thanks, I guess.” Aphrodite said in a wary way.

“Anyway, we need you to fight because the enemy is a powerful adversary, and we are no match for them.” Aphrodite said coldly.

From the look on my friends’ faces, they seemed pretty shocked. Then again anyone would.

“Only us four can save the world?!” shivered Kiki

“No, there will be more, eventually. “ Hades said.

“Eventually is the key word here.” Mazy mumbled.

A woman stepped forward. She looked exactly like the pictures of Artemis from our texted book.

“You are the first four to be chosen to save the world. Each of you will be paired with a mythological beast and have certain powers.” She said in a monotonous voice.

“Oh, and if you don’t accept, we will have to lock you up and wipe your memory in a cruel, painful way.” Pan said mischievously. Pan sure had a way with words.

We all looked at each other. Being close friends, we already knew the answer.

“Well I guess were in then.”

That’s when all started.


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17 Reviews


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Tue Apr 23, 2013 10:20 pm
noelsugarcube says...



Oh, random note to readers, i am planning to change this story ENTIRELY due to the fact that it's just plain lame. in my opinion, the plot is good, but i made this in like, 5th grade, and i kind of "barfed" it onto a word doc. so yeah. read the new version when it comes out please!






And when will that be?



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229 Reviews


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Tue Mar 26, 2013 3:15 pm
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



The story is nice, heehee. But just from the beginning I can tell it all to be too predictable. Make the characters not everything they seem to be, and the way you went about describing them was flowy, just not needed. Readers like to solve puzzles, you should know I do. Make it something that I would have trouble solving and also, add some of your own stuff to it. The way the characters talk is also far too predictable. Let them express themselves through a little facial expression too. Keep writing!!!! :)
P.S. word choice, don't focus too much but remember it.




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 3:00 pm
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



you over described a bit in places like here:

"Lilly was the cool person type with a brown hair boyish haircut with a dark red streak running down her bang complemented with a tank top and ripped jeans."

We don't need quite this much description. You just stopped to describe for a bit.
I thought that other than that your writing style was really good and also you got the grammar and spelling pretty good throughout, so well done on that :D

I really liked your story, with the idea of these quite ordinary girls having to go and help greek gods save the world!
I would agree with the other reviewer about the stuff with giving us too much information, and letting the charactesr show us who they are a bit more.




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 5:36 am
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VeniVidiVici wrote a review...



I won't begin to fix the grammatical and spelling errors as I would drive myself insane. So i'll begin with praise.
The characterization was thought-out and the base for the rest of the story is put down. These were the best redeeming qualities to the story I found.
Unfortunately I found more irks. The main problem I found in this story was the casual way the characters reacted to both being transported and meeting deities. But I chalked it up to the character's personality. The opening scene was a bombardment of information, it was difficult to keep track of who was who and who had the meanest attitude. The characterization itself was fine, just the way you gave the reader descriptions of them was too fast paced. Another last bit was the sentence "- and symbols circling around us in a circular fashion." I understood the scene but that sentence was redundant. It's ok as "and symbols circling around us."
Now it's time for tips. For your characters try and let your readers figure the characters are for themselves. Let them learn that Lilly is rebellious by her actions and dialogue, we don't always need to be told. Try not to spoon feed your readers too much. Also, instead of giving us the information in small bundles, allow the characters to show us who they are. Instead of telling us the punk rocker wearing black clothes, let the character tug nervously on his chain belt, or chew on his black nails, chipping and cracked, let the character show us. Oh and one last thing, at least try to reduce the writing errors to where it's not distracting the story.
Other than that the plot seems interesting enough, can't wait for the next installment. :)





"You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein