z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Memories of a Ghost

by noelsugarcube


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

The man in the casket looked very familiar. Like a brother. Yeah, a brother. My mother wept. I tried to comfort her, but she brushed me off; like I didn’t exist. Whatever. I looked to my left and saw my aunt Gertrude crying as well. I remember the times we had together when I was young. She couldn’t have children, so I was her replacement. She would take me down to the lake behind her and uncle’s house and go fishing or swimming. Those were good times, but when I turned nine, I stopped going. I never saw her again, until today. My mother never told me why. We moved to a foreign country, far from the familiarity I knew.

One year after we moved away from my place of memories, I joined a gang. They were my new family. My mother didn’t care for me anymore, not after father died. I remember staying with the gang head. Dominic was his name, but everyone called him Dom. The gang would meet on a street corner near the docks at dusk, as the dark slowly grew around us. Pedro would always bring the best drinks. Beer or vodka was passed around. We would laugh, fight, drink, repeat. Those days were filled with happy memories. Sometimes we would go out after that and cause trouble. Break windows, set things on fire, rob the late night worker. Everything was good, until Dom was found by the factions.

Dom and I were heading back from another night of fun and drinking, when we were surrounded by several, menacing men. I immediately took a fighting stance, waiting to defend Dom and myself, but he just stood there. A man stepped out from the wall of men and approached us. He seemed to have an agenda. He said his name was Christopher.

“What the hell are you doing here!?” Dom seemed on edge. Something was seriously wrong.

“I gave you your freedom for ten years. And I found you before then. You have to come back with me. You agreed with Milady.” Christopher had an aura of a regal man. Well educated, polite manner. But the look in his eyes told a different, darker story of him.

“That wasn’t what I agreed to! She was supposed to find me; not you, you sick bastard!” Dom spit the words out like a bitter taste in his mouth.

“She did,” Christopher was calm, “I’m just here to bring you back. Now, please come with me. I don’t have time to deal with a stubborn child like you.”

“I’ll never go with you! I’d rather die than leave here and marrying that witch!” His hand was in a fist, muscle tense, ready to punch Christopher.

“Say what you want, but this marriage is one your father wanted and Milady’s father wanted.”

“It’s a loveless political marriage! One sided love will only hurt both sides.”

“Even it’s for political reasons, if this marriage doesn’t go through, the entire world will go into turmoil. Your father and Milady’s father both a very powerful underworld bosses. It would be a disaster to the world’s economy. Stop acting like a child and come back.”

“Never. That man isn’t my father. No father would do this kind of thing.”

Christopher sighed, “The lords knew this would happen. So I was told to give you another option.”

“And what would that be?” I looked Christopher in the eyes. Both Dom and I knew it would be bad.

“If you can find someone we have been looking for, your father and Milady’s father will let you be free.”

“Who is this person?” Dom was cautious. He knew anyone the faction hunted down wasn’t just any person.

“His name is Dante. He was a top spy for your father. Unfortunately he left the faction.”

“What’s so bad about that?” I spoke out of curiosity.

“He took very secret information with him. Information that could dramatically change the political balance the world leaders have painstakingly created.” Christopher looked at me with cold eyes.

“I accept.”

I turned to Dom, shocked.

“What?! Dom, why?”

“It’s the only way I can stay with the gang, and besides, I really don’t want to marry the bitch.” He smiled at me, but I could see in his eyes the sadness it brought him to hunt down Dante.

I didn’t know it then, but Dom’s promise would have fatal consequences.


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57 Reviews


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Tue Aug 13, 2013 6:57 pm
Kevikur wrote a review...



Hello, I'm Kev! I really like the idea you have going here. The narrator sounds life a tough kid in the beginning who has had to put a wall up where his emotions are. I feel sorry for him already! It's got to be hard to have a mom who just brushes him off and he has to act like it doesn't effect him, when it really does. I like that.

Your introduction was good. You gave us some back story and what the narrator is currently doing, however I don't think the transition from the funeral to Dom and the narrator being confronted made much sense. The narrator's brother is dead and suddenly whole new scenario. Perhaps you could have elaborated on the funeral more? Unless you plan on clearing it up in the future, in which case is fine!

I love stories about gang life. I'm curious as to where this whole marriage thing will go and how it'll tie the story together. And I'm gun-ho for manhunts!

In the next chapters I would love to see how you transform the characters and have us become more connected to them. At this point, I don't know too much on Dom or Christopher's personalities or back stories. You gave us enough to get through the chapter and want more.

Keep up the great work! Let me know when the next chapter is up and I'll be more than happy to review!




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Tue Aug 13, 2013 4:46 pm
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Danteke wrote a review...



Ok. Good start-up, but I suggest you revise the first part being a bit more clear on the date. The part with the aunt is fluff. It has no actual relevance to the part. You can concentrate more on state your character is in seeing his brother dead and how he feels when his mother brushes him off. Try explaining that maybe she had loved his brother more than him or something to explain her action.

Aunt Gertrude is, as I said, fluff. If you need to describe the setting at the funeral do so in a more general way - relatives, what your character thinks of the priest, whatever you like, but do it in order to create a better image of your main guy.

Dom and I were heading back from another night of fun and drinking, when we were surrounded by several, menacing men. I immediately took a fighting stance, waiting to defend Dom and myself, but he just stood there.


Here, I don't think that after a night of fun and drinking your character would be sober enough to get into combat mode effectively, and if he does try saying why he could do such a thing (maybe he learned how to box when he was young and could fight off the alcohol enough to enter a fighting stance.).

A man stepped out from the wall of men and approached us. He seemed to have an agenda. He said his name was Christopher.


To fast. Describe. Also start the dialogue from here:
"Good evening! Allow me to introduce myself, gentlemen. My name is Christopher and I urge you, sir, to lower your guard." said the man turning his gaze towards me. Christopher sketched a smile when I finally allowed myself to take a step back and fall in line with Dom, but I didn't relax.

You say Christopher "had an aura of a regal man". Start building on that. Describe his stance, how he talked, the clothes. Maybe he was wearing a suit, while the thugs that accompanied him were dressed in a casual way.

"He took very secret information with him. Information that could dramatically change the political balance the world leaders have painstakingly created.” Christopher looked at me with cold eyes.
“I accept.”


The information is scarce. Make Dom probe for more information, ask details of Dante. The only lead he has is that the man is named "Dante". Christopher can answer directly or can promise to send Dom a more extensive report.

Your character is the witness of the whole scene. You need to describe it and the characters from his perspective and give us a good image of the scenery and his own thoughts on the problem.

Hope this helps! Looking forward to seeing the next part.




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Tue Aug 13, 2013 12:54 pm
vivxcity wrote a review...



I like it, however I would've written a paragraph where Dom explains the whole situation to the protagonist. I know the conversation with Christopher kinda does that, but it might be more interesting if you shortened the dialogue but added more action into it, and then explained the whole situation later.
You also didn't explain what Christopher was like. Was he tall? What color was his skin? Or could you even tell because it was dark? What was he wearing? A black trench coat, some type of modern armor, or a hawaiian shirt with khakis? We just don't know.
Other than that, I enjoyed reading this. I would like to see you continue the story.




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Tue Aug 13, 2013 6:47 am
AbbyW says...



A bit confusing but apart from that really good :)





When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
— Abraham Heschel