Published February 18, 2013
What business in this magic of life!
Such guise age does creep through endless seasons;
I cannot help think of days before wife,
To a place where living need no reasons;
O, infinities of beautiful nothings,
Realistic dream land of wasteful days,
Nights of madness and little somethings,
Afternoons under such warm summer rays,
The fondest of Sawyer-istic adventures,
Intangible figurative-s of mind,
Great Perhaps-es, Labyrinths, misadventures,
To think, such a complex self I did find.
These are The Great Green beacons of youth old sport!
And I so fond, will never leave this port.
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Review:
This is so metaphorical, but anyone can relate to it, it has the ability to be interpreted in many ways and that is a powerful trait for a poem to have.
My only criticism would be to separate it out a bit, split it into two stanzas, but otherwise, good job
Thank you
Hi there, nmk, and welcome to YWS.
Please take what I am going to say as suggestions. I am not overly experienced in the field of poetry, but I will try to make some kind of valuable suggestion to you.
I commend you, sir, for your meter and rhyme scheme. I enjoyed it greatly, and I find it very difficult (when I myself am writing poetry (none as good as this)) to create a rhyme scheme that doesn't sound forced. You managed to do it. Also, I find this kind of meter is rather difficult to pull off. But again, you did it.
I must be a heathen, or stupid, but I found that your second line felt odd. I understand what you're trying to say, but I feel like you should move the words around in the line a little so it can be clearer for the reader. "Age dons the creeping guise of endless seasons" would make more sense to me, though please, don't think that I'm telling you to change it to that. Just a suggestion.
Are you using "living" as in "the living" or "living" as in "I'm living in a house"? If it is the former, I'd add a "the" in front of "living" to clear it up. If it is the latter, I think that the end part of the line should be "needs no reason."
This is a great line. It's my favorite in the whole poem.
If you meant to use a paradox here, I don't understand to what effect it is being used. And don't get me wrong, I like the line, but I feel like "realistic" isn't quite fitting in with the rest of your words.
The port of youth? I really like this line. I didn't get it at first, but then I got it (I'm not used to reading Shakespearean sonnets). Unless it's not the port of youth. In that case, I have no idea what you're saying because I've overlooked something.
I hope that this review was useful to you in some way. You're quite a poet, sir. I hope to see you around YWS more often.
Thank you for your kind words towards my meter use haha :3 As for the second line, I think it goes nicely with how I wrote it, but we all read/see things differently and you're more than entitled to your own opinion.
The 'living' in "To a place where living need no reasons;" is the kind of "I'm living in your house." type living. Saying "needs no reason" would sound more modern and perhaps be grammatically correct, but it would ruin the rhyme scheme and flow - we can't have that.
It's my favorite line too :3
Realistic dream land. Okay, this one kinda requires an explanation; so, in youth we live life and all, but we don't really experience the world if you know what I mean. In essence we don't pay taxes or hold down jobs or worry about our car and health issuance or all the other societal monotonous that an adult must deal with, but we do live in a real world with them thus, realistic. However, our reality is skewed in the dreamiest of ways, and because of this we live in a dream land of sorts that is both reality and fiction.
Yes! You got it
Thank you for your time, kind words, and review! I really appreciate it
Hello there Nmk! Dogs here with your review. Firstly, if I may say, Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here, if you ever need anything, a review or help, anything at all. Let me know and I'd be happy to comply
. Now, on to your poem.
I like the topic of your poem, it has a hint of gaiety and joyfulness in your writing. Although, on a quick note, you don't need to capitalize every single line in your poem. Of course, grammar is entirely up to the writer, but in my opinion it is far more visually stimulating to see the variation in capitals and lower cases at the beginning of lines. Of course that may just be me, but I'd strongly suggest you apply that to your writing.
"Such guise age does creep through endless seasons;"
Nice line, although I don't believe you're using "guise" correctly in this line. Typically guise is used in sentences such as: "She walked in the guise of a man." So that line immediately sounds awkward and your meaning is skewed.
"I cannot help think of days before wife,"
Your use of "wife" here seems forced with "life." Basically it just sounds like your trying to bend your lines just so a rhyme can work, the issue with that is it can result in some of your writing sounding choppy and it loses the rhythm there. Although for the most part your rhyming is pretty spot on.
"Nights of madness and little somethings,"
again, the rhyming sounds forced in this line. I love the imagery here of nights of madness, although the "little somethings" sounds out of place and ambiguous.
"The fondest of Sawyer-istic adventures,"
I really enjoyed this line, nice job there. Although I don't think you need the "-" here. I think you could just say: "Sawyeristic" and you'd be fine. It looks better that way.
"To think, such a complex self I did find."
Again, forced rhyming, breaks the rhythm and the imagery you're trying to create. You could even just make some rhyming at some random points and you'd be fine. That's, personally, my favorite writing style. It has more room for description and imagery.
"And I so fond, will never leave this port."
And I so fond? That part sounds incredibly awkwardly worded, try moving some words around there. I like your ending, good way to bring closure to this piece. All and all a good poem, really your biggest problem was the rhyming which really isn't necessary in this piece. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
To counter your first "critique" - if one could call it so - the word guise means "An external form, appearance, or manner of presentation, typically concealing the true nature of something." In that line I used seasons as a guise for aging; seasons come and ago and come some more, but are so brisk and so subtle in their changes that to realize the transformation takes a certain divinity man does not possess this embodies the whole, "where did the time go?" question of man.
I have my style of poetry and you have yours; if lower case letters get you off then go read some cummings. However, seeing as how you hold yourself to a high regard to poetic structure you would have interrupted that this poem is a Shakespearean Sonnet to which the end rhyme must match; my "forced" rhymes were nothing of the sort.
The use of the word "fond" is described in perfect font for you below in my response to the previous reviewer, and doesn't sound awkward in any way, in fact the flow in this poem is in perfect iambic. For my poem to have the fluidity that it does the "-" and "forced rhyme" are very necessary to the meaning of the poem.
Thanks for taking your time to review my poem, but maybe next time you'll read it.
Hi there!
I really enjoyed the nostalgic tone of this piece. I interpreted it as the story of a man yearning for the days before responsibility, when he was still searching for his identity. This is a topic a lot of people can identify with, so it pulls at the heart strings. Especially the end, for there really is no way to go back to childhood. Unfortunately.
Although the "old style" language was a bit hard to interpret at first, I enjoyed this piece. Every word was put in this poem for a reason. The only nitpick I have, is that I think the word "fond" in the last sentence should be "found". Unless "fond" is some old-timey word I just haven't heard of. xD
Sorry I didn't have much to critique. Keep writing!
It's fond :3 The second to last line his one big great gatsby reference, and gatsby is a symbol of someone trying to chase their past ( chase their youth ) So all the prior lines are the things of youth that he is so fond of and though he is older and time has past he still never has to leave the mind set or the memories or anything: he can be.
Oh, ok, I see now. I interpreted the last line wrong. That's what I get for reading too fast! xD
Haha yea :p punctuation is key!