Divine skies of dragon rides littered in mushroom tops,
Let me bare what your eyes do stare upon,
Lament and rejoice in a bohemian hypnotic,
Look at the sky caps! The immense gossamers!
Castle, queen, king, I see everything!
Look on Euphorica, skyward horizons - known only to the eagle,
To and fro sky of ocular azure,
Staring beyond, blankly, fading to blur.
Immaculate eye dream contrasts to the realistic brain,
So stupidly logical and genetically keen,
Numbers, numbers, numbers; no magic in these.
Allow the marvels of what cannot be to puncture neurons
And let them Translate their vernacular to stirring soul.
Nirvana and Brahman and Paradise and Heaven.
Why must you die to achieve what is present?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey nmk1128,
First of all, wow, you have a lot going on here, a little too much I think, but we'll get to that. Overall I think this has potential. You have a lot if interesting words and a cool idea, with a little work this could be a wonderful piece. I would like to start with the very first line:
"Divine skies of dragon rides......"
I like most of this line, but the first part just seems a little odd to me. Using "Dragon rides" as a noun here seems a little weird, but I couldn't tell you how. If you change this to Dragon Riders though, I think this line would be improved. Next:
"Lament and rejoice in a bohemian hypnotic,"
What? I cannot begin to understand this line. It sounds cool for sure, but I'm not positive it makes sense. Make sure to double check that you are using all of those word right. I think the first part is fine, but the second half of the line confused me. Also:
"To and fro sky of ocular azure,"
I actually like this line, but I think you could use a comma between "fro" and "sky". Finally:
"Why must you die to achieve what is present?"
I don't have anything so fix with this line. It's a great culmination to this piece and I just wanted to say that I liked it a lot!
So, that's what I have to say.You certainly have an interesting little piece here and I think it is really good. I had to pull out a dictionary for this one, you have a great vocabulary. Well, once again great job and I look forward to reading more from you!
Zephion
Thank you for taking the time to review this!
I agree it's kind of a weird line, but changing it to Dragon riders isn't conveying what I'd like it too, but I do appreciate the suggestion.
Lament and rejoice in a bohemian hypnotic isn't suppose to make sense :3 In a way it's suppose to be those feelings and trances a person goes through in life whether it a second or a year; when those intricate feelings that you hurt you brain trying to define are present in your conscious mind. I'm not exactly sure how else to put it, but a great example is when I first saw Niagara Falls two summers ago and was beside myself in it's beauty.
I really appreciate the time you took to write this and glad you enjoyed my poem!
Hey I honestly enjoyed your poem.
It reminded me of a fantasy book I read awhile ago. And i just adore how you used certain word here, like hyptonic, and devine. The poem flowed well, and I enjoy your writing style, as well.
I don't see any problems in this poem, but this isn't really my strong point. I can't wait to read more of your works. If you have any question about my review feel free to ask. Sometimes I fear I don't make sense.
Anyway thank you for posting this, it was really a good poem.
-LifeUnkown
Thank you for taking time to read this
Hello, littlewing here. I don't know much about poetry, so sorry if this review doesn't remotely do justice to your beautiful poem!
In short, I loved it. The flawless rhythm, and choice words made it a joy to read - I savoured every sentence! I love the tone of celebration, almost of reverence for nature. It took me a few moments to link the last line to the previous one, but when I got it, it brightened my day, so thank you
I also enjoyed the 'old' style of it - how the words are so perfectly placed for effect. I often lament the lack of this in some modern poems.
As for critique, I am struggling to come with much... If anything, I thought the phrase "bohemian hypnotic" disturbed the flow a little bit.
But this is nothing, really. I think to change anything would upset the perfect balance you have achieved. Brilliant piece - I'd love to read more of your work.
Thank you a lot <3 haha I've never gotten such high praise, but help yourself to my other posted work and the others that shall soon accompany it! I really appreciate you taking time to read and comment on this poem and I'm glad you enjoyed it
You're welcome. Sorry if I gushed a bit :/ I just loved the poem!
Haha it's okay I'm just glad you enjoyed it