Fuck
just because my scales are not white my whole life is so difficult
what is with Mother and perfectionism it is kinda scary how entire
generations of our family obsess over being perfect when in reality
no one can unless you are Christ himself Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
now Mother wants me to marry me off so that she does not have to look
at my “ugly” scales I for once think that my scales look lovely
the amethyst color perfectly fades into my rosy lavender skin huh
maybe having such a drastic skin color is why Mother hates me not the
scales whatever Mother still hates me UGH! I just wanna scream heck
Brother Jack is the same age as me! we both grew up together in the
exact same manner the only difference being that Mother actually
loves him because of how his scales look exactly like Father’s
despite how Mother treats me Brother Jack treats me very well being
the older twin that he is he protects me a lot from bullies to
unsavory boys Mother says Brother Jack does not have to get married
as soon as I because he is a guy he is taking his time to learn about
Father’s business so that when Father retires he will take over
father’s business specializes in steam power is a new
source of energy that generates electricity that is being used to
power engines Father says that it is highly efficient and produces
less waste anyways Brother Jack was also shocked to hear that Mother
planned on marrying me off he always supported my passion for writing
he even thought that I would eventually become a well-known author he
said quote Tempest’s stories just simply capture your attention and
make you forget that time is passing I believe my sister has what it
takes to become a great writer Father is even proud of my writing too
from a young age, he gave me an education that stemmed from my love
for literature even though the criticism he got from sending me to the school he still did it why can’t Mother be happy for me about
anything is it because I am a girl is it because I have different
scales is it because the literal existence of me is an omen of bad
fortune Mother, I wish that you would just love me I want to love you
too I wish that you accepted me just as Father and Brother Jack has
but I don’t know how to tell you this Mother I really don’t but I
am really thankful that Father allowed me to even have an education
not many girls my age would like to learn about writing and
philosophy they would rather talk about fashion and boys when my
peers were busy gossiping about the latest scandal about Sir Jonathan
and his most recent fling I was furiously writing like I needed it to
survive I poured out my feelings and thoughts like a madwoman I have
hopes and dreams you know! I want to become an author a writer an
artist in my own craft I hope my writing inspires the next generation
of writers I am 18 for God Sake I am not becoming a housewife and
giving these dreams up I do not understand why English nobility look
down on lowly jobs like painters and writers then again their
prejudice does not come as a shock to me these “lowly” jobs do
not pay well but for I do not care about riches and jewels if the
basic necessities are met I am already quite content with life I have
a feeling that Mother did not just marry me off for no reason I
suspect that she wants to leverage this marriage to gain even more
connections for Father’s business god I hope it is not that gasly
Mr. Benson he is as old as the dinosaurs and his so call “beautiful”
white scales are fading into cracking grey ones he is rich when I say
that he is rich I mean enough money to buy Father’s business seven
times Father’s business is not cheap we are fairly wealthy
ourselves I heard that he is a vile man as well he is ruthless in his
business practices and will use anyone to get what he wants and if
anyone is in his way to total domination I have a feeling that he
eliminates them afterall how did Mr. Anderson miseriouly disappear
after their disagreement about a trade deal between their companies
he also treats women he does not find attractive horribly I heard
from several women that he bluntly uses derogatory and crude language
towards them he is only nice to women when he wants to have sex with
them he puts up this facade of a nice old man when in reality he’s
a psychopath with lots of money that combination right there is the
result in a very dangerous man I also believe that he might a violent
psychopath who murders people for his own amusement it may be a far
fetched idea but who knows but then again I do not even want to think
about the other potential partners Mother has set up for me I think I
am going to throw up just from the though of it I believe that women
should have the choice to choose their life partners as silly as ot
sounds I do believe in a marriage that stemmed from falling in love
yes I believe in love it is just not what you think it is it is not
candles and roses and dream vacations and destiny and being with the
one who completes you it is not the perfect proposal it is not the
magical first kiss it is not a gorgeous wedding and a picture perfect
family while some of that can be part of it most of that is illusion
and fantasy love is messy it is cleaning fleas off of your pets at 3
am the day before a big meeting it is getting in a fight over how
much your significant other spends on shoes it is giving significant
other a back rub at the end of a long day it is accidentally farting
on each other it is apologizing for misspoken words it is
complimenting each other when things work out it is being able to
smile at each other in the silence it is giggles until 2 am it is
making each other cry and having long talks you don't want to have it
is messy and it is work but love is wanting to be in that mess with
someone who for matters mostly unexplainable by reason means the
world to you good relationships last when you can openly communicate
you are both mature enough to not huff over small or big problems you
are willing to listen you are willing to compromise on little things
and are compatible on the big things kids lifestyle goals activities
interests space personality you are willing to work on things and you
respect each other and give each other space when you need it and
togetherness when you need it that is the most important that keeps
you two together and never getting tired of each other sometimes you
fall in and out of love maybe for a day maybe for a few months you
meet a dashing fellow who shows interest and he gets in your head for
a day or two your significant other is in a foul mood and being
shitty and all you can do is think about this other man then you come
to your senses and stop living in a fantasy land and remember why you
loved your significant other in the first place or you are going
through a hard time and he does not feel like he can talk to you and
questions it all but then you surprise him with a homemade meal and a
sincere talk and you work it out it is like if you had a pet
sometimes your pet feels like another responsibility I gotta go home
and feed the fucking cat I just want to go out and not worry about it
but then the cat comes over and rubs its head on your hand and sits
on your lap and you get it the affection is worth the hassle it is
kind of like that in an oversimplified way this statement is a
hyperbole but couples out there will get it love is being willing to
die for someone that you yourself want to kill you do get tired of
your significant other they make you mad they say something fucked up
that hurts your feelings they take you for granted they make mistakes
they take up your time and other things in your life disappear for
that relationship to flourish but you love them when you are together
for so long you are a package there is no life without each other if
you love each other enough and are not afraid of the commitment it
can work out for a long long time love is perfect in our own way I
write to exercise my personal demons I do it for the struggle of
putting down on paper the image that you have in your head it is a
huge challenge and after years of writing I still feel none of my
work is "exactly" the way I want it to be but I really
enjoy it and I want to further hone my skills an old literature
teacher told me once writing never leaves you you can stop now and
pick it up in 10 years and you will be at around the same level where
you left it it is like riding a bike once you learn you never unlearn
it it is a skill that can only get better and better with practice it
makes me relax and calm during bouts of depression I would write and
write and write to express my emotion pretty sure I aslo wrote some
pretty horrifying stories involving serial killers and psychological
torture I also write because it is the most satisfying activity I
know when I write I am able to forget everything else and get
completely into the flow of creativity it is nice to have a
successful end product and regular improvement and I suppose if I did
not I would be less likely to still be doing it but that is secondary
to the process writing also make me very happy and I find it
motivating and satisfying to make things that serve no "practical"
function in a world that demands so much work just to stay alive
making works of literature and reading other literature changes the
way I see the external world and the way I experience my inner world
too with any luck something I make might change another person's view
also these days I just really want to earn a living as an author and
to give to other people to brighten their day as it brightens mine
all
those ideas I have a spinning head as well. It helps me to write them
down on the back page of my notebook as they occur to me then I can
save them and continue to focus on my current work I do not want to
experience an arranged marriage because I want to choose for myself
like my parents did for their marriage surprisingly my parents did
not have an arranged marriage my parents knew each other since they
were kids and were hopelessly in love however after having twins my
dad did love me whereas my mom hates me and wanted me gone I am
outcast according to my mother I grew up with one minor difference
from my fraternal twin brother both of us worked hard to get where we
are but because my scales were amethyst and not white she shunned me
away from the family I get treated like a second class citizen in my
own house and my mother has a habit of downplaying everything I have
achieved for myself I realized really early on that my own mother
really hates me I tried so hard to be good I tried so hard to be the
daughter she wanted me to be but I cannot change my skin I cannot
change the way I look she hates me because I was something different
something unknown to her I have bonded with my father on an
intellectual level that she cannot match and had the same sense of
humor I believe that my own mother was jealous and envious of me and
she hates me it is not me it is not my fault I was not a difficult
child I was not obnoxious there was no justification I can stop
fighting for her love I can stop mourning my childhood I can move on
because what can you do in the face of a mother's groundless petty
hatred nothing just nothing.
Points: 134
Reviews: 2
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