A Terrible Secret...
I have no answers. I have only questions, questions and questions. No one is there to help me. Heck, no one should be able to trust.
We all have secrets, embarrassing ones, tragic ones, traumatic ones or simply the ‘wrong’ ones. It haunts us like ghosts. Yet, some of feared if others might found out about the ‘truth’. We stand alone in this world to defend our secrets and let it stay the way it is... Every single day felt like the last. Reality has become similar to a battle field. We became soldiers, nobody know nobody. Everyone has their own reason why it happened. Everyone has answers…
But why did it happen to me? Questions, yet again to be remain as questions without answers.
I’ll tell you what my secret is. Shhh…But promise you’ll never tell anyone.
About a few years ago, back when I was in my teenage years. I was not the person you saw me today. Back then, I was innocent and eager to try out new things. Experimenting with unknown materials and involved in stuff which people usually forbid us to. Rascal is what they call me. However one day, I went too far…
A friend of mine was having deep trouble with his beloved girl. His mind was confused. He was emotionally unstable. For days he’d been tormenting himself, starved. For days I saw his body lied motionless on the cold cement floor. One glance then people might think he was dead. Only the chest which moves slowly up and down proved there’s a life within it.
One day, I went to his room to visit him like I used to do. However this visit wasn’t like the ordinary ones. I closed the door behind me and sat on the computer chair backwards, facing him who was lying weakly on the bed. There was a small chat. I tried keeping him to talk as long as possible so my friend will feel better; to have company to share his problems with. I listened. After a few minutes, the topic ran off track to the problem he faced now; about the girl he was dying to forget.
My friend switched back to mental-mode. The mind of his was no longer sane. He began to talk craps, panicking. He pulled his hair, then walking from left to right, and from right to left. This continued until he got alerted suddenly and quickly reached a gun he’d been hiding under his bed, pointing the muzzle straight to his own head. My friend was crying.
I stand up, trying to comfort him. I explained that committing suicide does not solve anything. He was sobbing in tears, shouting at me to shut up and convincing the world has nothing to offer to a person like him. I still remembered he said, “One loss is nothing. One loss is ones gain.”
He shot himself right before my eyes… that was the last thing I have ever heard from him. I saw his head exploded, splattering blood and flesh to the floor. I saw his body collapsed. Blood flowing slowly and made a small pool. I witnessed everything…
The beloved girl of his is now my girlfriend.
I finally understood what he meant…
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with Ashes, I really did not expect him to do that. Anyway I really liked it, and i never lost interest, so that's good. Keep it up...
I really liked this.
Wasn't excpecting the friend to kill himself, so that was a twist.
The ending was good, if a little vague.
You could do with redrafting the story a little but the overall idea is very original.
I liked the fist few opening paragraphs.
Hey there!
I am Incognito, and I believe I wish to take a peak at your story.
Let's begin.
Nit-Picking
I believe this would sound better 'There is no one to help me'.
This part is hard to understand. The one question that popped into my head was 'No one should be able to trust, who?'. When writing, you have to be specific or else readers are going to get confused. xD
I would say 'they' instead of 'it' because parcially it makes it sound better and it also makes more sense.
This sentence is fairly jumbled. Might I suggest rephrasing?
Try something on the lines of this. 'Yet most of us fear that others might find out about the 'truth''. It just makes a bit more sense.
Let what stay the way it is? Clarification please. Remember, be specific!
'Felt' should indeed be 'feels'. Wrong tenses. A simple mistake to make.
I do not know what you mean by this. Maybe it should be 'nobody knows nobody'. Clarification please?
I would suggest eliminate the 'be' because that is what jumbles the rest of the sentence.
There is two things wrong here. I would make these two sentences into one by adding a comma. The reason for this is that this two pieces of information is really related and can easily blend together helping with fluency.
The second this is that the second sentence doesn't make as much sense as it could. When I read that sentence, I think you should rephrase it automatically because obviously if the MC is telling the secret then the reader is there. I would change it to something on the lines of 'I was not the same person as I am today.' Something on those lines.
**called
Take out the '...'. It makes it seem corny. xD
Just end it with a period.
'Beloved' doesn't seem like the right word. Maybe look through a thesaurous and find something new, or maybe even rephrase the sentence to state that a friend of his was having relationship problems rather than with his girl.
**laying
I would change 'then' to 'and'
I would change this to 'there was'. That is only because when I read 'there's', I automatically assume it means 'there is'. But that would not suit the tense here.
You are getting a mix up of tenses here. Try; 'I tried to keep him talking...'
You have jumpled tenses here too if you read the sentence. Try this; 'my friend might have felt better.'
What does 'talk craps' mean? I don't understand this. Clarification please?
**I stood up
This doesn't quite make sense. Maybe rephrase it?
The reason why it doesn't make much sense was because you can't sob tears. When you sob, that already happens, but it can't happen 'in' the tears.
**one's
Get rid of the dot dot dot. It ruins it for me. xD
Capitalization is needed on 'that'.
Of course it was. He was dead. xD
Small is an underestimate. Head injuries don't stop bleeding! It would most likely be fairly large.
The dot dot dot just doesn't work here. xD
I am not much a fan of the dot dot dots in writing if you can't tell.
I like this ending. Except for the dot dot dot. But of course it was certainly a great way to end.
Overall
This was certainly an awesome piece. I love stories like these. I write them myself actually. I really think your writing has great potential. You just have to watch out with your sentences because you tend to not make them make much sense. How you can fix that is either reading it out loud, which I find helps when I hear it, or getting someone else to read it and see if they can make sense out of it. If they are having trouble, I suggest rephrasing it.
You had some issues with tenses, but those are very simple and easy to fix. Just pay attention to how you want the story to sound. You can't switch from one tense to the other.
For the sake of a good story, get rid of the dot dot dots. Those things bug me in particular in an emotional piece like this.
Another thing is that, I can't really see this as much as a prologue because it tells a whole stroy, not just an insight. It is an amazing short stroy though. I would love to read more of you writing also.
Welcome to YWS, and I hope you enjoy it here.
~Incognito