Published June 1, 2009
In Memoriam, from Les Choristes
Deux ex machina
The soldiers march onward in rigid rows,
Identical breastplates catching the light;
Each man is focused on the cursed foes,
Teeming with hatred and prowess and might.
With a battle cry and a clash of swords
The armies commence the treacherous fight.
A messenger boy weaves among the hoards,
Gaping and swooning at yonder queer light,
In which wing'd angels he seems to behold,
Who are descending toward the battlefield,
And lauding the foes with their trumps of gold!
The fate of his country has now been sealed.
The messenger boy lays down with the dead,
As the heav'n-backed foe paints the field with red.
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I think you need to separate this into verses for one, but thats something basic that should really be done with all poems with this rhyming pattern.
And just one nit picky thing, I think this line;
The armies commence the treacherous fight.
Should be "The armies commence THEIR treacherous fight",it's just the repetition between the two the's sounds off. Just a suggestion.
nixonblitzen -
Not sure when the contest ends or if this will be of much use, but I wanted to point a few things out. The è in "cursèd" is unnecessary; in sonnets, -ed's are always read as "ed"s, if that makes sense.
The ending of the sonnet is rhythmically uneven: you have a problem with the rhyme scheme. The Shakespearean sonnet is: abab cdcd efef gg. What you have, however, is: abab cbcb efef gg. The use of the same rhyme in the second "fourth" of the poem is pleasing to the ear, but it also establishes an expectation for its continuance that isn't met. I think if you addressed that (you can make the second b's into d's or the f's into b's), you'd have a much stronger sonnet on the whole.
Your imagery was well-suited—showy but not flashy—and the tone was even and appropriate. I haven't seen the film to speak to the connection between it and the poem, but I'm assuming the messenger boy is accounted for by the film. I assume Hannah didn't find it moving because she hadn't seen the film; I'll withhold judgement on the poem's power until I've seen it.
It's good to see someone is able to work with structure and form. It's a bit of a lost art these days.
All the best,
Brad
Hey! So, if I critique this now, you'll have four hours to edit.
Not that this needs much editing.
Okay. So in prose I think this would be fine, but because of where the line break is, it's a little confusing at first; it took me two reads to understand what you meant. I'd cut the 'is.' I think you'll still have a good rhythm.
And that was the only problem I had. I love love love sonnets and I especially loved this one; I think it's a good use of the word as well. Good luck in the contest!
-Mars
Hey! I saw this and I thought I'd pop in and give you my two cents. ^_^ Good luck in the contest as well. =D
I. Little Things
Alright, there are a few things wrong with these two lines. First of all, yonder is a /very/ awkward word to slip in here and not only that, but it also ruins the rhythm for me. Maybe just use a filler word like 'some' or 'a', otherwise you'll have to find a single syllable word that describes the positioning of the light, OR you could say 'gaping, he swoons at - - queer light'. Something like that.
Also, then you need to take off the dash at the end of the line because you don't need it. Imagine if you wrote the poem out as prose. Actually, why don't you take out the line breaks and then pretend it's prose for a bit, then punctuate it properly in that format. Then put the line breaks back in and it will be properly punctuated! =]
You can say trumpets. It doesn't throw off the rhythm too much, and trumps just seems weird. =/
Also, here, you don't need to cut out the 'e'. It reads fine with the extra little syllable, because it's weak. Secondly, you refer to 'foes' at the beginning of the poem and now it's just 'foe', which actually confuses this line in addition to not being consistent with the beginning of the poem. 'as the heaven-backed foes paint the field in red' would work better. I think 'in' works better than 'with', but I suppose that is your choice.
II. Overall
Overall, it's pretty solid, but there's nothing memorable about it. There's just the slightest bit of imagery, but behind it all, there's no real message. I don't know what you meant by it. To me, it seems sort of like a newspaper article saying 'this is what happened. oh well.'. -shrugs- It didn't really stick with me at all. Maybe try to extend it with another sonnet if you could, or go back and infuse it with /something/.
PM me if you have any questions.
-Hannah-