Ancestral Home

nixonblitzen wrote:Just the beginning of something longer.




John was born on a large brass bed. His mother could just make out the pale curve of her high, damp forehead in the warped mirror across the room. As the pain mounted, the poor woman concentrated her attention on a spider building herself a web in the corner of the room. The mother screamed, and her husband's progenitors scowled down at her from their gilded frames.

Downstairs, John's father was pacing the creaky floorboards. When at last his wife's wails mingled with those of the baby, the father rushed up the grand staircase of his ancestral home. At the door to the bedroom he hesitated, fingering his grey mustache with anticipation.

"Come in and see your son!" the midwife called.

The father nearly knocked over the woman as his large, wrinkled hands grabbed for the child.

"Careful," she scolded. He held his arms out and she set the creature in them.

A son! The babe had a wide, stately brow indeed. He smiled as he pronounced him to be John Rutherford Mackenzie V.

first of all, i really enjoyed your description, such as the part when it described the pain of the woman, i could almost feel her pain.

i believe that the beginning needs some work though: "John was born on a large brass bed" doesn't seem very catchy and doesn't put a very vivid picture in my mind, and i know, i can be very picky sometimes

i was sort of consfused at the end when the baby was named and it would be because first you were talking about the baby's eyebrow and then a "he" smiled and named him. i think you should make a smooth transition between the two statements.

overall, i really enjoyed it and i believe that you should continue with that idea.

John was born on a large brass bed. His mother could just make out the pale curve of her high, damp forehead in the warped mirror across the room. As the pain mounted, the poor woman concentrated her attention on a spider building [s]herself [/s]a web in the corner of the room. [s]The mother[/s]She screamed, and her husband's progenitors scowled down at her from their gilded frames.

urgh. 'the mother' -- you've already introduced her as such, and you should never title her or any character like that. Firstly you began with 'his mother' and changed to 'the mother' from personal to titular. Secondly, its problematic in a number of ways, all of which would be solved if you just gave the woman a name.

Downstairs, John's father was pacing the creaky floorboards. When at last his wife's wails mingled with those of the baby, [s]the father[/s] herushed up the grand staircase of his ancestral home. At the door to the bedroom he hesitated, fingering his grey mustache with anticipation.

Again, name him!

[s]The father[/s] nearly knocked over the woman as his large, wrinkled hands grabbed for the child.

And once more. Name him or keep it at 'he'.

A son! The babe had a wide, stately brow indeed. He smiled as he pronounced him to be John Rutherford Mackenzie V.

You started this with his birth and backtracked to go over the process? I don't understand why you did that, structurally speaking this is awkwardly fashion. What's more you started with his name and yet come the end it was 'the babe' - I suggest rewriting to describe the birth without the opening line, which only confuses things.

Otherwise, I don't have much to say on such a short piece.

Cheers

Just the beginning of something longer.





John was born on a large brass bed.1 His mother could just make out the pale curve of her high, damp forehead in the warped mirror across the room. As the pain mounted, the poor woman concentrated her attention on a spider building herself a web in the corner of the room. The mother screamed, and her husband's progenitors scowled down at her from their gilded frames.2


Downstairs, John's father was pacing the creaky floorboards. When at last his wife's wails mingled with those of the baby, the father rushed up the grand staircase of his ancestral home.3 At the door to the bedroom he hesitated, fingering his grey mustache with anticipation.


"Come in and see your son!" the midwife called.


The father nearly knocked over the woman as his large, wrinkled hands grabbed for the child.


"Careful," she scolded. He held his arms out and she set the creature in them.


A son! The babe had a wide, stately brow indeed. He smiled as he pronounced him to be John Rutherford Mackenzie V.4

Okay; it's hard to comment on as it was so short. I did like it, you had some nice description and your grammar was good. I'm not really sure what else I can say, I enjoyed it. The parts that I had issues with are the numbered parts, which are clearly referenced to below xD

1. I don't really like the start, and I don't know why. That said, I am the biggest hypocrite ever. I am terrible at opening sentences. It's ok, I can see that you tried to make it good, but I just don't think it's quite there. Maybe we have some KB articles on opening sentences.......?

2. I adore that description about the ancestors staring through frames. It's not cliched, it's not been used a thousand times in writing and it's interesting. You have a fantastic balance of description. Not too much, not too little.

3. I don't like the use of the word ancestral home here. Ok, we've covered that his ancestors lived here. We know that, we don't need it repeated and it just doesn't work here.

4. I really hope you continue this because it is really good, but I hate the end. I don't know why, I just don't like it.

Hope I helped xD
~ Lost

This was pretty short, so it was kind of hard to critique. But, nevertheless...

The mother screamed, and her husband's progenitors scowled down at her from their gilded frames.

The lines before this one were good, but this one troubled me. Why were her husband's ancestors (that is what merriam-webster said progenitors were) in the room? I don't quite understand that.
Why were they scowling? Are they pictures? Are they living people?

That is the only thing that caught my attention. It's a nice prolouge (which I believe is what it is).
PM me if you have any questions and when you post the next part.