Young Writers Society

Hey nite! I hadn't listened to the song I don't think when I read it the first time, but saw Jaybird's review and noticed the song link at the bottom so gave it a listen.

First - I find lyrics writing to be a lot more difficult than normal poetry, and then I also find it super intimidating to post singing - so kudos to you for doing both!

The song version seemed even - no awkward pauses or mess-ups on the words, and it was a great addition to hear how you envisioned it being song. I think I'd agree with mage that when reading it I definitely envisioned it slower paced / sad, but the singing made me rethink it a bit more positively, maybe bitter rather than just sad.

I think the narrative comes through pretty well (which is sometimes also hard in songs, because of the limited space and repetition!) I interpreted it to be about a girl who is looking back on a relationship that she's now had a lot of distance from emotionally, space-wise, and time-wise and is just kind of asking herself why she's still remembering the subject. The speaker also seems to have a lot of self-blame, that they were the one who was doing things wrong, and chasing too much. The self-blame aspect is interesting, just in that people often lament in poems the end of a relationship, or the marvelous attributes that they liked about a past-relationship, but they rarely take the next analytical step (at least in YWS relationship poetry...) to ask the "why" things didn't work out, or "why" they're feeling how they do.

Part of me thinks that it shows a maturity in being able to get to that next level of asking questions, but then the redirection of just blaming their own personality seems really sad, and like maybe they still haven't had enough distance to be truly objective about it. I like that there were those different emotional layers expressed, it made the poem a lot more interesting than the usual love-sick ballad.

I think that the opener was really strong:

"I was the kind of girl
who made you dance with me,
couldn't wait for an invitation."

"I'm a thousand miles away
and I still see your face,
though you didn't want to stay"

"I chased you like a dog
chases its own tail,"

Hey there, @niteowl! I saw your poem lurking in the Green Room, so I thought I'd help you by getting it out.

When I first read through your poem/song, I admit I wasn't really sure what to comment. It had good word choice, great grammar, and was formatted perfectly, but nothing really stuck out at me. It wasn't until I listened to you sing it and read the lyrics at the same time that I finally figured out what I wanted to say. The poem on its own has a completely different feeling than when you sang it. I was imagining that it would sound like a slow, regretful song, but your recorded version was far more passionate and energetic.

I think that passion fits this song perfectly. The point of the song is that the speaker isn't ready to move on from her past lover; the eagerness in the song's beat really conveys that. Some of the lines do as well - this one in particular really sticks out to me:

I was the kind of girl
who made you dance with me,

Interesting lyrics, I didn’t know that you could post songs. I, personally, am a singer and a lover of great music. You really expressed yourself in this short but lovely song. I’ve only written one song in my lifetime, it wasn’t as long as yours. Finding words to describe how I feel is a difficulty for me. So usually my works are even shorter than this one was. keep up the good work.