The landscape is tended carefully around here,
rich with rainstorm-fueled grass
and trees with rainbow blossoms,
releasing enough pollen
to coat the city three times over.
If you let the pink and orange flowers catch
your eye, you almost won't see
the looming brick and glass tower
that holds the thousand failed experiments
of your dreams.
A/N: This is revised from the opening poem of NaPo 2016: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=406&t=104933#p1311901
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140,828 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey, THIS IS ADORABLE!!!! I love spring season and this poem reminds me of spring. The description is Fantasmagorical, while reading I felt like I am sitting in middle of a meadow full of flowers, in the lap of nature , feeling the beauty of spring.
I would like to point out, that the poem would sound better if the sentences would have been regular. Some sentences are too short and some are long,.
Overall this is really lovely.
Have a good day!
Hey, THIS IS ADORABLE!!!! I love spring season and this poem reminds me of spring. The description is Fantasmagorical, while reading I felt like I am sitting in middle of a meadow full of flowers, in the lap of nature , feeling the beauty of spring.
I would like to point out, that the poem would sound better if the sentences would have been regular. Some sentences are too short and some are long,.
Overall this is really lovely.
Have a good day!
Thanks for the review!
1) I'm glad you liked it, but "adorable" isn't what I was going for. The imagery was definitely meant to be springlike, but I meant the ending to be more pessimistic, in contrast to the joyous imagery around it. Perhaps I need to make it more dramatic?
2) Technically each stanza is one long sentence, which I didn't realize until your comment. But I'm guessing you mean lines, in which case the variation is intentional. I try to break lines on words that have meaning, since the end words stick out the most, rather than have even line lengths.
Thanks again for the review!
Good work here. It flows clearly and leaves a pleasant feeling characteristic of satisfying poetry. The picture it paints is easy to envision in the mind's eye. I like how you've depicted the "disguise" mentioned in the title. Keep up the good work!
Hi there and thanks for the comment! I'm curious though...why was the poem pleasant to you? The ending was definitely meant to be cynical and pessimistic. I'm wondering if I need to make the ending more dramatic.
Ah, but you do not know me.
Even a somber work can be pleasant to me, because I enjoy the full spectrum of emotions in written work.
Ah fair enough. I do get that feeling sometimes, like some sad/pessimistic songs sort of make me happy to sing (like The Lumineer's "Cleopatra").
Oh I love this!! It's so incredibly descriptive and every word is so clearly carefully chosen. I love the imagery and the ideas presented in this! Really really well written poem! I didn't really see anything wrong grammar or punctuation wise so I don't really have any suggestions. Awesome job!
~Mack
Thank you!