Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Lyrical

E - Everyone

On The Beach

by niteowl


The sun shines over paradise,
the sky blue as a child's drawing,
the sand warm and white
beneath my calloused feet.

I sink into the numbing water,
remembering that buried longing
from the days I dared to desire
anything or anyone at all,
the days before I knew I was synonymous
with ugly, weird, an outcast
who doesn't deserve even to look upon
the treasures they want.

Beaches are lovely in theory,
but at the end of the day
I am sunburnt and sand-covered
and I know the whole world
was silently laughing
at my un-swimsuit-worthy body.

More than gold or even love,
what I desire most is to return
to the days when a beach was a beach
and swimming was swimming
and nothing more.

A/N: Revised from NaPo 2017-https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=406&t=106821&start=15#p1357795


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 39
Reviews: 37

Donate
Sun Mar 01, 2020 2:22 am
View Likes
Queenie wrote a review...



Hi Niteowl,
I really enjoyed reading your poem. I thought that the imagery was excellent and the message was powerful. I love how you related your feelings to a beach in a sort of extended metaphor. I think that your second stanza is a very important component of your poem because it is what takes your poem to a deeper level. That being said, I think that you should also consider adding another stanza diving even deeper into your emotions and feelings in order to make this poem even better. Additionally, I really thought that your last stanza tied up your poem very well. I especially liked how you said, "when a beach was a beach and swimming was swimming" to emphasize the importance of a more simple and less judgemental life. All in all, great job, this was an amazing poem, and I really hope to read more of your works in the future. Good luck!




niteowl says...


Thanks for the review! This is actually somewhat related to my LMS project and other poems where I get more in depth with the emotions that led to this poem.



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 889
Reviews: 8

Donate
Sat Feb 29, 2020 5:11 pm
View Likes
thegoldenbird wrote a review...



This was an excellent write. I could truly appreciate and feel the toll a judgemental society takes on the common people. Sure, we think of beaches as a place to just swim and be merry, but at the end of the day we take back nothing but criticism and comments much shallower than the deep ocean waters.
The original poem is also good, but this one is surely written in a better language and expression.
I actually love the gif which you have made your display icon. Very cute and innovative.
This poem is one of the best I came across in a while. Hope you continue writing. Looking forward to see more from you!




niteowl says...


Thanks for the review! And yeah my avatar is awesome and I rarely change it.



User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 253
Reviews: 7

Donate
Sat Feb 29, 2020 6:47 am
View Likes
Watermelon.sugar wrote a review...



I think this is fantastic, it reminds me a lot of Frankenstein by Mary Shelly in how the character from Frankenstein and the character from your poem both long for a greater meaning to surpass the felt “ugliness.”

It’s very deep, and it’s sweet it’s a good poem that reminds me of a good indie teenage romance movie that doesn’t end well but gets at a good point. I would like to see like a constant edit on this where you are always editing it to a current standard or even to your own feelings. Idk why but I feel like that would be cool with this to show growth on this lyrical poem ig and may add an amazing depth to it.




niteowl says...


Well thanks for comparing me to Frankenstein lol. :P I'm not sure what you mean by a constant edit but in this version I did elaborate some more on why the beach inspires those mixed feelings in me.




It is most unlikely. But - here comes the big "but" - not impossible.
— Roald Dahl