As the time swings, i wonder where one is going. The sky above looks calm and the fields below steady, the one looks every side gives a smile and walks.
The winds, the leaves and the trees, the flowing water speaking about a vibrant wave, the one thinks if he does have one in life.
Then the thought begins to flow, allowing to compete with the emotion blocking its way, quite hard it appears. The one never stopped though.
No the answer is, if any questions were asked. The one needs a free sky with the wings attached on. No boundaries can stop and ready to fight.
Dreams of the sky, dreams of the waves, now had a part in one's life. The truth were no more, the dreams were the reality. The one always went flying, with a courage never to return.
But yet always the eyes were opened. The one was always in the same path, the sky above looks calm and the fields below steady, the one looks every side gives a smile and walks again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
Heya, Ricky from the Black Knights review team, here to review your poem!
This is a very good poem for your first entry, and I can tell that you put a lot of thought into it. However, it seems kind of scattered. I don't exactly understand what the poem is trying to tell me. What exactly is "the one"? Is it a person, or is it the thought that was given? Is it something abstract? The story of this poem is a bit unclear. It could just be that I'm not getting it, though, so don't take anything personally! This may seem like a harsh review, but I'm not trying to be mean.
There are some inconsistencies in the way you use punctuation and spelling. If you're going for a style that doesn't use correct capitalization, like with proper nouns such as "I," then all of the words should follow that pattern. There seem to be some places where you use the correct capitalization and some places where you don't.
I see that Clarity did a review on this piece already, so I'll try to go ahead and wrap this up, since most of what I'm noticing seems to have already been covered by them. This poem obviously has a lot of deep meaning; unfortunately, everything seems so bare bones, so vague, I can't really understand what's going on. I think this would have benefited from being a little bit longer. Maybe you should elaborate on "the one" a bit more, make it more clear as to who/what they are and what their story is.
All in all, I give it a 7/10. Don't get discouraged, though--keep on writing!
Wow great for your first piece.I loved the vivid wording and sensory details.I was very calming and relaxed.I would read this while enjoying a cappuccino or after a stressful day at school.Great job and keep it up.
Hey, thanks a lot for such appreciation.
Will try to write more of these type of poems
I like the nature descriptions, especially "...the fields below steady..." in the last stanza. Your way of being descriptive flows with the poem well, overall. I wonder if you could improve, or build on who "the one" is. You wouldn't have to go into detail about who it is, just explain the feelings towards them more. The second stanza is really confusing, ..."the one thinks if he does have one in life...", I don't understand what you're going at there, maybe add on to that.
Thank you for the review. Yes, i will try to use your suggestion to improve my writing
Hi there! Welcome to YWS.
I'm guessing "the one" is a person considering some of the things you have used to describe them, and that you refer to "the one" as "he" in your second stanza. Although, that could just be your own way to portray something else entirely, so correct me if I'm wrong!:)
I'm confused about how you've worded this. Some of your sentences don't seem to make any sense. These lines, for example:
I think it's the "looks every side" part that doesn't flow, adding "to" to make it "looks to every side" would solve that. I also think a comma after "side" would help the sentence flow a lot better, unless there's a specific reason you've done this? (Since you use punctuation throughout the poem, this is the only reason I'm commenting on how adding some would make a difference).
No boundaries can stop what? What's ready to fight? It's hard to infer whatever you mean by this. Are you still talking about "the one"?
Should be "was no more".
Despite a lot of this making no sense to me, I like a few of the lines you've used, and with some tweaking you could probably make a really awesome poem out of them. For example:
I like this line, it flows nice and I really like the bit about water... although what exactly do you mean by "speaking"?
Overall, I like the direction you could take with this, but I think it does need some work. What exactly is "the one"? I think the audience needs to be able to infer this in order to understand the poem better.
Thanks for the read, you've got some nice lines in there!
Good luck and keep writing!
-Clarity.
Hey, really appreciate your review for the one.
Yes, i will check out on my punctuation more seriously now. As i was not so serious about it.
You know i really wrote this poem when i was in a hectic schedule, and i really needed a long break and wanted to be free. So, it talks about each and everyone of us who share the same feeling. Though i specified it by using 'He' in the second stanza, the one may also be termed as 'She'.
The line you mentioned 'No boundaries can stop and ready to fight', what i wanted to state was when there is a time when you want to be free from all your hectic life there are no boundaries that can stop you and for that freedom the one is always ready to fight.
the winds, the leaves and the trees and the flowing water are so natural and so free that they speak about their freedom everytime...
I'll definately work on my writing. Thank you for the suggestion about my writing. %uD83D%uDE00
Thanks for clearing it up