The silhouette of a girl, one with long, shiny, black braids, outlines the horizon. The gentle, warm wind makes her braids swing and fly around. This girl is watching the sunset, something she hasn’t ever seen before, a vibrant red and orange, the streaks of yellow dashing in-between the white clouds of air. She stands on a mountain, the place she was brought after many moons of traveling. Which mountain? She know not but only that her home is somewhere in the distance, somewhere that to her is a speck of nothingness. She, the orphan who never had a real home, was gathered in some blankets as a baby and taken away… As far as one could see in the light, she was taken away. She know nothing of her past, only that she is alone, not lonely, just alone in the middle of nowhere. And so she survived, learning to hunt like a cat, and climb like a monkey. The coconuts would be bashed brutally on the dull, gray rocks with all of her might and strength. Finally, finally, they would succumb and open up, white, milky juice dripping along her hands, covering them with its stickiness. This girl had only two possessions, as dear to her as her heart, a blanket, the very blanket she was taken away in, and a compass, her most useful tool and the thing that would share its secrets with her. That compass wasn’t ordinary, gold and engraved with the words, “Stay Strong,” it looked like something out of a fairytale. The girl had a sensation in her heart whenever she used the compass, it seemed to vibrate a power so old and ancient not even the mothers of Earth had seen. But she was mainly captured by its beauty, the way it led her to places not dreamed of. This little treasure of hers would eventually reveal her past, a dark, mysterious, but cunning past. The past seemed to evade her, no matter how hard she looked, nothing was a clue, and everything was not what it seemed. All she could remember of the past were blurry faces, staring down at her, and then darkness. A darkness so dark she trembled at the very thought of it and got cold shiver down her spine. This girl searched, searched the worlds and fought valiant battles with the people who kept her away from the past, not allowing her to search further. After searching the entire world, she went back to “her” mountain. But she couldn’t find it, no matter how hard she searched. Nothing was left, no mark on the maps she consulted on weary nights by candle. One day, though, things began to change… A shadowy, sea of fog descended on the place she was standing, and only her. Everything began to fade from view; the tree she was leaning on was now a clear wisp of smoke. But she didn’t fall because the fog supported her, forcing her to stand, and not fall, she couldn’t. The fog seeped into her mouth, covering it from screaming, even though she didn’t have any intention of doing so. Then suddenly, in the blink of an eye, a person came into view. He was dressed in robes of royalty, and wore many bangles of bracelets that seemed to be moving around, not like anything she had ever seen before. And he sat next to a pool of water, clear as the sky of a new day. The girls’ voice quivered as she asked, “Who are you? What do you do? Where is this place?” He answered in a gentle, warm voice, “This is Nowhere, in the land of Somewhere, and I am Someone, and I will consult this Lake of Shining Waters to find your past or create your future.” By now, the girl was confused, very confused, was this a dream or was she actually realizing it? She asked, “My past, I don’t know of, but could you see into the Lake of Shining Waters and search my past, who I am and where I belong?” So he told her to lean over the water, that way she could see her past. The Lake of Shining Waters was no ordinary lake because anyone that looked into it would see a different image, one of their past. And because everyone’s past was different, some would pull you in like a movie, and some were pictures, a blur of them, faded. This girl was pulled in, and suddenly she could see her parents. Her mother, a lovely woman wearing a fancy ballroom dress, purple with splashes of flowers here and there. Her hair, a fancy updo, adorned with a fancy brooch of gold. She wore a necklace, one of the moon, shining and bright. Her father was in a crisp, black tuxedo with slick, black hair, wearing the same moon necklace as her mother, and dancing with her. That image faded away and suddenly the girl was in a forest, but it wasn’t any ordinary forest. It seemed to be the moon, and there were fairies everywhere, glittering in the light. Her parents were saying, “We have a moon child, she is ours, and if she lives, the moon will still shine and stay in the sky.” The girl was pulled away and suddenly back to the lake and old man. She said a quiet thank, and the white mist pulled her back to her world. She realized that she was the moon child. And if she died, the moon wouldn’t shine and would fall from the sky. And so… she still lives, but now is different, she knows of her past, but not of her future. Who knows what the future brings, but what can it be other than sorrow or joy?
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Hey niniboutique! Welcome to YWS! I'm DragonGirl11, and I'll be reviewing your story today. First let me say that I really like the story. The Moon Girl is a really nice character, and her story was certainly stuff of fantasy, but seemed real at the same time. I think you've got a real talent for description! However, it would be nice if you used paragraphs. It's really disorienting for a reader to see a story all in one block like this. Just like you'd see in a book, they should be around two to six sentences long, and each new idea, as well as each time a different person talks, should be a paragraph.
The first sunset she's ever seen? After you said this, I expected her to have been trapped inside someplace, but that doesn't seem to be the case.Now that's over with, I'll get to the smaller details. (Forgive me if the BBcode doesn't work.)
Just a slight mistake there. You missed the "s"
Lose the ellipsis (three dots) after "taken away."
Don't start a sentence with and. There's a couple other places, too. (I'd personally start this particular sentence with "but" instead of "and so")
Try not to use adjectives like "fancy" twice in the same sentence.
All in all, awesome story! A bit shakey gramatically, but a solid concept, story, and wording. If you've got any questions about YWS or writing in general, feel free to send me a message! Write on, and God bless!
~DragonGirl11
See, look. I messed half of it up with a typo in one of the quote tags :S