Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Chapter 2
It was like walking into a new whole new world, one where people looked at me as if I was a fine jewel they needed to claim.
I am literally in a room full of wolves, and I’m the prey. I look over to the storm leader, then to his side, where my mother should be.
“Where has my mother gone?” I ask in a quiet tone, just in case I can still plead my case to be spared.
The storm leader answers, “She decided it was best she left. Wouldn’t want her argument to be based of your relationship.”
I almost snort at that. My mother left me and had the nerve to say her plead for her daughter’s life would be what? Inaccurate?
You know what? I don’t need her anyway. I can fight my own battles.
I look at the tribe leaders one by one. Many have been oddly quiet, but it’s written all over their face of how they feel about me.
But what is me? I still don’t understand what they accuse me of? Expect the rubbish that I am a blood wielder, which is impossible!
The chancelor speaks, “We have all chosen the best path for you.” He nods toward Niko. “This is yours to say.”
Niko, looks at me as if I’m livestock.
“You, girl, are part of something too big for such a young girl. That symbol, as we have all decided, is a message from ‘Codar’ himself that his legacy is forever living through blood. Your mother happily let us know who your real parents are. That you are indeed pure blood, and that symbol is not a mistake. You have been gifted one of the greatest honours in all of Sangrathia.
I think I’m burning myself alive with my own inner rage, like my whole body is burning with flames. My whole life, the family I thought I knew has been lying to me!
I have different parents?
Wait—
I sputter, “Are you saying my father is Codar?”
My eyes feel too heavy.
Niko nods.
“We always knew Codar had a lover but never knew of any children, but apparently your mother—” He clears his throat. “Rebecca, knew Codar and when he perished took you in. Which, of course, was a mistake, but she claims she only realized you were related to Codar on your 14th birthday when she realized your hair was growing into the colour of pure blood.”
What. The. Fuck.
No, this can’t be happening. I can’t be related to the most powerful wielder to have ever lived; I can’t be a blood wielder.
I literally inflict pain by controlling one’s blood and shutting down their whole system, making them do my bidding. I can re-build the whole body with my mind. I can fucking control someone’s blood.
Well, that is what Codar could do anyway, or should I say my father? I think I’m going to be sick.
Niko speaks once again, “We have decided that you are too valuable, so executing you isn’t an option.”
I breathe a little easier now that I know I’m not going to be killed. But I still can’t believe any of this.
“Here is what will happen, girl. You will attend Bloomsbury academy still, and you will have personalised classes to the rest of the students, similar to what the blood wielders used to learn, but you will belong to the night house as tradition goes,” he says sharply.
I stare at him in disbelief.
“I would like to have a say in this.”
Everyone erupts in laughter, like me wanting freewill is the stupidest thing they have ever heard.
“Well, you don’t. You are a pawn in a game of powers, girl. Don’t forget your place. Now I need to finish explaining. we have decided You are to be courted, to preserve your bloodline.”
I look at him in horror. What the hell does that mean?
“What are you talking about?”
“You will be bonded to my son.”
I sputter and nearly topple over. He has a son? Who is this person? An ugly troll who eats bats and lives in a cave—
“Silas!”
Next thing I know, the doors are opening to the hall, and green eyes is walking in.
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hi! I am here to review your lovely story today
The story here is very compelling and creates a lot of intrigue for me to keep reading! The narrator has a good voice, and the plot points around the arranged bonding, the hidden bloodline, and the sudden reveal of the parents are all very cool and interesting! The pacing is quick, which suits this style of storytelling, and the cliffhanger of Silas at the end definitely makes me want another chapter.
I do agree with Dom below that your lines are very simple. You seem to start a new paragraph every two lines, instead of having a few more larger paragraphs where you could describe some more about the scene. A lot of things are stated rather than woven into the narrative and shown to us. Having a bit mroe action, or describing what characters' faces are doing in scenes, can help with this! The inner monologue overexplains sometimes and I think leaning more into the main character's comic edginess as they think would help balance it out.
You've written in the past tense (was) when the rest is in present. Easy slip up XD
You missed a quotation mark at the end there!
keep writing! <3
Note: I saw this chapter in the Green Room, and I've now read the one preceding as well (i.e. chapter 1); therefore this is really a review of both at once, rather than two separate. However, I'll largely be focusing on this one as this is the first I read.
First things first:
I am definitely not the intended audience for the story. So, I won't review the story or the characters - but I think they're fine examples of the type.
Now, the review.
I think your sentences are too simple, your paragraphs too short, and you do too much tell instead of show. Almost the entirety of chapter 2, for instance, is paragraphs that are just a couple lines long at best. It breaks the flow too much to constantly keep jumping about. Use one paragraph for one thought, please!
For example:
The line break acts as a break in the chain of thought. She's continuing her chain of thought, and so the paragraph should too. In fact, I recommend putting the next 2 "paras" into the same paragraph! Each paragraph should begin with one idea and transition into a new one; there it breaks into a new paragraph, and so on, and so on.
Now, the "tell", and not the show.
By this point, the plot is clear enough where "plot exposition that will obviously enrage MC" can be followed simply by "My blood boiled inside, and I clenched my jaw.", and let the reader infer the rest about anger and family lying to her etc.
Honestly?
I think most of these issues will be solved with experience so keep writing!