My Last Feeling

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

Commotion was all I heard around me. I could not really comprehend where it came from. A siren was one sound I was sure about. But it was not the normal ambulance or police car siren. No this was different. A hearse for sure. The sound however was distorted. I tried to shut it out but that was an epic fail. screams tried to break through my peace. They moved from distant to closer. I took in a deep annoyed breathe and opened my eyes. It was dark and cold. I tried pushing open whatever was in front of me and I ended up going straight through it. Looking down the lower half of my body was inside what seemed to be a casket. I could not feel. No fear, no shock, no anxiety. It just felt right, peaceful I may say. I moved out of the casket and stared down at it. Nothing made sense. All I did was lay down for a little nap so why am I in a hearse. I looked down at my body and nothing seemed unusual apart from the fact that I wore a yellow sundress filled with sunflower patterns and black doll shoes. I knew the dress quite well because two weeks ago on my way to hospital I showed it to my mother and told her I would feel peaceful and happy in such a dress. The car came to a stop and bright light flooded my eyes when the doors opened. My dad, my uncles and my grandfather picked up the casket. I walked silently behind them. The sun shone brightly despite being in the cemetery. I could see the trees and grass sway but I could not feel the breeze on my check. I could not feel the goosebumps on my skin or the grass brushing my feet. It felt like a dream. Seats were everywhere; yellow seats. Yellow flowers laid out on the floor and where they laid the coffin. Walking towards it I noticed my picture. This was taken a few days before I went to hospital. I was smiling so hard to a point I could see the gap of my missing pre molar on my top jaw. My eyes seemed happy despite how sickly my face looked. A tear rolled down my cheek but I couldn’t feel the wetness of it. Behind me everyone cried. My mom seated on the grass and my aunts around her holding her as though she was going to disappear. My dad stood on the far right holding his tears despite the broken look on his face. My friends seemed lost. I wished I could do something about it but each time I tried to touch someone’s shoulder I went right through them. I blinked for a moment but it seemed to be more. When my eyes opened there I was being dropped down into the soil. I tried to scream, tried to cry, tried to let them know I was still here but no one flinched. As soil was thrown on the casket I felt warm. This was the first feeling I had since I awoke and it scared me. I was disappearing little by little. Like fog when the sun comes up. I couldn’t fight the warmth as it overwhelmed me. I breathed in and said my last goodbyes. I gave in and imagined what next. Maybe in my next life I’ll get to see my seventeenth birthday. I let the warmth embrace me and exhaled as darkness covered my eyes. Till next time I thought.

To start out I just wanted to say that this was a really good story and my review is probably gonna be a little bit nitpicking the little things that might make it better. Also when you read this read it in the nicest tone you can because I am not trying to be mean. So firstly I think that you could have conjoined could not to couldn’t, I personally think that it sounds better and is easier to read. There are other instances where the sentence maybe could have been structured differently. Like when you say “A siren was one sound I was sure about” I think that you could have changed that sentence to make it sound a little better. You could have said something like “the only sound I could hear was a siren” or something like. Just little things like the wording of the sentence. There are also a few gramatical errors like when you are talking about the dress you say “on my way to hospital” and it should be the hospital. I find that reading out loud helps me to find my grammar errors. But, like I said, this is a really good story with just a few errors and I really enjoyed reading it. It was really sad but it was good.

Wow! This is crazy to me because just minutes ago I was considering writing a story on what death/heaven/afterlife would feel like! But I decided to read this short story instead!!!! You captured the feeling that I wanted to write in my own story, this was very inspiring.
This felt foggy and confusing yet very familiar. You captured this by describing things she knew like her family, friends, picture, and the dress. I loved the imagery of it being dark and cold yet filled with yellow. I think yellow represents happiness and life, ironic that she is dead.
Something that I think could elevate the story is the age-old advice of "show, don't tell." These phrases could use more description to make the reader feel more immersed in the story:
"It was dark and cold."
"It felt like a dream."
These sentences are very plain compared to your other descriptive ones like these:
" I could see the trees and grass sway but I could not feel the breeze on my cheek. I could not feel the goosebumps on my skin or the grass brushing my feet."

There are also some formatting and grammatical errors. This would be much better if it was broken down into more digestible paragraphs, even short ones to emphasize certain sentences such as this one:
"All I did was lay down for a little nap so why am I in a hearse."
Instead of that, you could add an indent and format it like this:
"All I did was lay down for a little nap, so why am I in a hearse?"

I say all of these suggestions to elevate your story because I enjoyed reading it so much! Keep up the great writing!